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Extended - Thursday, November 20, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 11/20/2014
  • Views: 20,156

Nick Offerman, Aimee Mann and Dana Gould learn about a kid with super powers, list #LamerCriminals and name horrible YouTube music videos in this extended, uncensored episode. (32:59)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)THE DAILY MAIL TURNED US ON TO A

FASCINATING STORY OUT OF RUSSIATODAY.

THIS IS KOLYA, A SEVEN-YEAR-OLDBOY WHO'S DEVELOPED X-MAN-LIKE

SUPER POWERS EVER SINCE HE WASELECTROCUTED BY A FAULTY

REFRIGERATOR.

AS IF THERE WAS ANOTHER KIND OFREFRIGERATOR IN RUSSIA.

(LAUGHTER)COME ON, THAT KID WAS HUGGING A

FRIDGE?

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

(LAUGHTER)NO, I DON'T THINK SO.

MUST BE A MISTAKE.

EVER SINCE THE ACCIDENT, KOLYAHAS APPARENTLY BEEN MAGNETIZED,

UH, THOUGH I'M SURE HE'S GOTTENA LITTLE HELP FROM DRINKING

RUSTY TAP WATER OUT OFHEAVILY-IRRADIATED RUSSIAN

PLUMBING.

(LAUGHTER)BUT ACCORDING TO THESE PHOTOS,

HE'S EVEN PASSED ON SOME OF HISMAGNETIC POWERS TO OTHER

CHILDREN IN HIS CLASS WHO AREINEXPLICABLY DRESSED AS AMISH

CURTAINS, SO...

(LAUGHTER)SO-SO... SO, COMEDIANS, AS THE

TEACHER OF THESE SEVEN-YEAR-OLDSOVIET MUTANTS, PLEASE MAINTAIN

DISCIPLINE IN CLASSROOM.

NICK OFFERMAN.

>> UH, MOOSE, STOP TORMENTINGSQUIRREL.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE)

DANA J.

>> (WITH RUSSIAN ACCENT):NATASHA, STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR

PENIS!

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)(CHEERING AND HOOTING)

>> I HAVE THREE CHILDREN.

>> HARDWICK: YES.

(LAUGHTER)NOT AFTER THIS BROADCAST.

(LAUGHTER)PORTLAND-- A PLACE SO WEIRD,

THEY NAMED IT ONCE.

UH, IT'S THE SCENT OF TWEEBULLSHIT CAPITAL OF THE WORLD

THAT'S GOING STRONG WITH A NEWSTORE THAT'S MAKING NEWS.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THEFOLLOWING IS A REAL BUSINESS

THAT JUST OPENED IN PORTLAND?

A: AN ALL-NATURAL BEARD-FLUFFINGSALON CALLED "BUFF."

(LAUGHTER)B: AN ORGANIC LUBE STORE THAT

SELLS LUBE MADE FROM SALIVACALLED "TASTE THE DIFFERENCE."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)C: A CUDDLE STORE FOR LONELY

HIPSTERS TO EXPERIENCE HUMANTOUCH CALLED "CUDDLE UP TO ME."

(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)(BELL DINGS)

NICK OFFERMAN.

>> A. I'VE BEEN... I'VE BEEN TOBUFF.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

(LAUGHTER)(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHICH ONE YOUWENT TO.

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS PUZZLINGLYC, THE CUDDLE STORE.

(LAUGHTER)>> OH, IT WAS A... IT WAS A

FELLOW NAMED BIFF.

>> HARDWICK: OH, YEAH, TOTALLYDIFFERENT.

TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

TOTALLY DIFFERENT BEARD-FLUFFINGEXPERIENCE.

UH, THE CORRECT ANSWER IS, INFACT, C.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK.

>> IT'S CALLED "CUDDLE UP TOME," AND IT SITS ON EAST

BURNSIDE IN PORTLAND.

SHE SAYS AN HOUR-LONG SESSIONCOSTS $60.

>> WE CAN CUSTOMIZE EACHSESSION, DEPENDING ON YOUR

COMFORT LEVEL.

SO, I HAVE SOME PEOPLE THAT WILLCOME IN, AND WE WON'T EVEN TOUCH

AT ALL.

WE WILL JUST SIT AND READTOGETHER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: CUDDLE WHORE!

(LAUGHTER)COMING UP NEXT, I TALK TO A

VEGAN CLOWN IN PIONEER SQUARECALLED FLAX CRACKERS.

REPORTING LIVE, I'M JOSHCOPYBEARD.

BACK TO YOU, FLANNEL TITS.

>> FLAX CRACKERS!

>> HARDWICK: COMEDIANS, HOWABOUT THIS NEW BUSINESS.

GIVE ME A SLOGAN FOR CUDDLE UPTO ME. NICK OFFERMAN.

>> FOR AN EXTRA FIVE DOLLARS,WE'LL WHISPER, "I'M PROUD OF

YOU, YOU'RE IN THE BIG BOY BED."

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

I HOPE... I HOPE IT'S JUST ARECORDING OF YOUR VOICE SAYING

THAT... BECAUSE...

SAY HELLO TO MY NEW RINGTONE!

(LAUGHTER)UH, DANA GOULD.

>> CUDDLE UP TO ME-- WE ONLYLOOK LIKE REGISTERED SEX

OFFENDERS.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS. POINTS.

(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)UH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU'VE BEEN

WATCHING OUR SHOW ALL WEEK LONG,THIS WOULD DEFINITELY QUALIFY AS

HUG LIFE, SO AS A PALATECLEANSER, LET'S CHECK BACK IN

WITH OUR LITTLE FRIEND, UH, TOSHOW SOME THUG LIFE.

>> SAY HELLO TO THE CAMERA.

>> HELLO, MOTHERFUCKER.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: HELLO, TYKE TYSON.

MOVING ON, TIP OF THE HAT TOGAWKER FOR THIS BIZARRE EMOJI

MYSTERY.

RAPPER RICK ROSS HAS SEEN THECOMMENTS OF AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT

BECOME INUNDATED WITH PEOPLEPOSTING WHICH RANDOM, NOT THAT

POPULAR, EMOJI?

A, THE SPOUTING WHALE.

SO FEW TIMES DID THAT GET USED.

B, THE JUICY PEAR.

C, SHRIMP TEMPURA.

(LAUGHTER)WHICH ONE OF THOSE?

DANA GOULD.

>> I'M GONNA SAY SHRIMP TEMPURA,BECAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE A

SKIN-SPOUTING WHALE.

>> HARDWICK: AH, IT DOES.

BUT THE CORRECT ANSWER IS INFACT B, THE PEAR.

WELL, IN A RECENT, UH, "RICH FOREVER" INSTAGRAM, YOU'LL SEE

PEOPLE DROPPING PEARS BY THEBUSHEL-- UH, THEY'RE JUST ALL

LYING THERE-- OR CANNINGDELICIOUS PEAR PUNS LIKE THIS

ONE.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)AND THE ORIGIN OF THE PEAR

MYSTERY GOES BACK TO ANINTERVIEW WHERE RICK ROSS

REVEALED JUST HOW HE DROPPED 80POUNDS. WATCH.

>> I EAT PEARS NOW AND SHIT LIKETHAT.

SHUT UP, DAWG. A PEAR.

>> HARDWICK: SERIOUSLY, Y'ALL,SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PEAR.

COMEDIANS, COULD YOU PLEASE GIVEUS YOUR BEST SHOUT-OUT TO A

LESSER FRUIT? NICK.

>> SHOUT OUT TO A LESSER FRUIT.

UH, HATS OFF TO HARVEYFIERSTEIN.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING, APPLAUSE)

>> HARDWICK: UH...

>> OSCAR, OSCAR, OSCAR!

>> HARDWICK (LIKE FIERSTEIN): ITHINK I HAVE TO GIVE YOU

POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)DANA GOULD.

>> KUMQUATS-- THE FRUIT THATVAGUELY REMINDS YOU OF A RUMOR

INVOLVING ROD STEWART.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. POINTS.

NO ONE REMEMBERS.

NO ONE HERE REMEMBERS THAT.

>> YOU DO, AND THAT'S ALL I CAREABOUT.

(LAUGHTER)YEAH, SHE KNOWS.

>> HARDWICK: THE STORY ALWAYSCHANGED, LIKE, WHEN I WAS

GROWING UP.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW THAT ONE?

>> IT WAS THE AMOUNT, THE AMOUNTALWAYS CHANGED.

>> 'CAUSE EVERYONE'S NINE!

(LAUGHTER)WELL, THERE WAS A TIME IN OUR

GREAT LAND WHEN PROFESSIONALMUSICIANS WERE ACCUSED OF

SWALLOWING GALLONS OF CUM!

(LAUGHTER)AND THEN HAVING TO HAVE THEIR

STOMACH PUMPED IN AN AMBULANCEPARKED OUTSIDE CAL JAM II!

>> HARDWICK: YES.

AH, THOSE WERE THE DAYS.

>> BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW THAT!

>> HARDWICK: YOU, TOO BUSY WITHYOUR IPHONES AND YOUR...

>> GLEEB, GLUB, GLEEB, GLUB,DUDES WERE BLOWING DUDES WITH

RECKLESS ABANDON!

(LAUGHTER)SHIRTS WERE GROANING UNDER THE

WEIGHT OF EPAULETS!

(LAUGHTER)NOW IT'S TIME FOR TONIGHT'S

HASHTAG WARS!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)THIS SUNDAY WOULD HAVE BEEN

BILLY THE KID'S 155TH BIRTHDAYIF HE WASN'T GUNNED DOWN IN THE

STREET OF NEW MEXICO, MAKINGHIM, OF COURSE, THE ORIGINAL

BILLY ON THE STREET. UH...

(LAUGHTER)IT'S ALSO MY BIRTHDAY.

I DON'T KNOW IF THAT MATTERS,BUT IT'S ALSO MY BIRTHDAY.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)YEAH.

IN HONOR OF TONIGHT'S HASHTAG,IT'S LAMER CRIMINALS.

EXAMPLES MIGHT BE: THE BOSTONMARKET STRANGLER.

OR... JACK THE SWIFFER.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND BEGIN!

DANA GOULD.

>> PRETTY BOY ELLEN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NICK.

>> BUFFALO BILL COSBY.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> HARDWICK: DANA GOULD.

>> TED CINNABUNDY.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NICK OFFERMAN.

>> JESSE JAMES THE MOTORCYCLEDOUCHE BAG.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)DANA.

>> BUTCH CASSIDY AND JERRY'SKIDS.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

AIMEE.

>> DOC HOLIDAY INN.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

NICK.

>> JOHN WILKES KISSING BOOTH.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(LAUGHTER)AIMEE.

>> WEIRD AL CAPONE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, WEI...

>> OH!

(LAUGHTER)IT WAS RIGHT THERE!

BUT NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY NAMETHAT TUBE. NAME THAT TUBE.

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)IT'S EXACTLY LIKE NAME THAT

TUNE, BUT FOR WEIRD SONGS ONYOUTUBE THAT YOU'VE ALMOST

DEFINITELY NEVER HEARD OF, ANDPERHAPS WILL NEVER HEAR AGAIN.

SO WE'RE GONNA PLAY YOU A SONG.

FOR 250 POINTS, TELL US WHAT YOUTHINK IT SHOULD BE CALLED.

ALL RIGHT? THEN WE'LL GIVE YOUBONUS POINTS IF YOU SING THAT

SHIT.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST ONE.

THIS MAIL-ORDER BRIDE.

>> ♪ EVERYTHING I TELL YOUMAKES YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME

THAT'S WHY YOU CAN'T STOP ASKING♪ IF YOU'RE SO SHY

INTIMATE DETAILS... ♪(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE, WHOOPING)>> HARDWICK: INTIMATE DETAILS.

♪ MY LITTLE BROTHER ISMAGNETIC... ♪

(LAUGHTER)I PLAY SPOONS ON HIM!

NICK OFFERMAN.

>> ROB SCHNEIDER'S FINAL SWING.

(LAUGHTER)(WHOOPING)

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, I THINK ITIS. POINTS.

DANA.

>> SHE IS THAT RARE COMBINATIONOF FRED FLINTSTONE AND WILMA

FLINTSTONE.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH, POINTS. IF THAT'S YOUR...

>> BUT THE NAME OF THE SONGIS...

♪ I LIKED HIM BETTER AS BORAT. >> HARDWICK: YEAH.

UH, YOU GET 100 POINTS FOR THAT.

HOW ABOUT THIS BANGER FROMBANGS?

>> ♪ LET ME TAKE YOU TO THEMOVIES, SHORTY

I'M SURE LATER ON YOU WILL BE MYBABY. ♪

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: WHO SEEMS TO

POSSESS THE POWER OFTELEPORTATION.

DANA.

>> THAT'S, UH, EBONY ANDEBONIER.

>> HARDWICK: HUH.

UH.

UH...

POINTS.

>> WEREN'T THOSE...

WEREN'T THOSE GUYS KILLED ON"THE WIRE"?

>> HARDWICK: NO.

>> TOO SOON.

>> HARDWICK: NO COMMENT.

AIMEE.

>> ♪ IT'S THE SOMALIAN PIRATESHUFFLE. ♪

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS TO AIMEE MANN.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

THIS ODE TO MEXICAN FOOD, ITHINK?

>> ♪ TAQUITOSMAMA LIKE

PAPA LIKEBURRITOS ♪

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: YES, AIMEE MANN?

>> ♪ OH, MY GOD, LOOK HOW YOUNGHARRY DEAN STANTON LOOKS. ♪

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

HE TOTALLY LOOKS LIKE HARRY DEANSTANTON.

NICK.

>> WE GET MORE POINTS FORSINGING?

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TOCATCH UP.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> UH, ♪ ME PENIS ES MUCHOGUSTO. ♪

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, KEEP POINTINGAT IT.

KEEP... EVERY TIME YOU DO AJOKE... YEAH, PERFECT.

YEAH, INDICATE, INDICATE.

LET'S JUST UNBUTTON THAT SECONDBUTTON, NICK.

JUST LET IT HAPPEN, JUST WORKWITH IT, LET IT HAPPEN.

200 POINTS TO NICK OFFERMAN.

DANA.

(WOMAN MOANS)>> I DON'T...

SOMEONE DROPPED A BEN WA.

UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE SONGIS CALLED, BUT I KNEW, THOUGH,

THAT'S FROM CHISSUMWORTHINGTON'S ALBUM "HANKY FULL

OF CHISSUM".

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

YEAH.

>> RECENTLY...

>> HARDWICK: OR...

>> RECENTLY VOTED THE MOSTCAREFULLY-PRONOUNCED ALBUM OF

THE YEAR.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, NEXTONE-- THIS DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY

BAND.

>> ♪ I HAVE A FRIEND IN JESUS >> ♪ JESUS IS A FRIEND OF MINE

>> ♪ JESUS IS MY FRIEND >> ♪ JESUS IS A FRIEND OF MINE

>> HARDWICK: YES, I VERY MUCHTHINK JESUS SAID TO THEM, LIKE,

"YEAH, WE SHOULD JUST BEFRIENDS, UH...

IT'S ME, IT'S ME, IT'S NOT YOU,IT'S ME."

(BELL DINGS)NICK OFFERMAN.

>> UH, THIS IS THE ONLY VIDEOTHAT MORMONS ARE ALLOWED TO JERK

OFF TO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

UH, AIMEE.

>> I'M NOT GONNA SING THIS,BECAUSE IT WOULD BE

DISRESPECTFUL.

THE SONG IS CALLED "GLORYHOLE-LLELUJAH".

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS, IT IS.

IT IS.

I... HOW CAN IT NOT BE?

DANA.

>> I'M NOW GOING TO DO SOMETHINGREALLY STUPID AND SING IN FRONT

OF A PROFESSIONAL SINGER.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY.

>> ♪ THEY ASKED ME... >> HARDWICK: WELL, DANA, I'M NOT

A PROFESSIONAL SINGER, LIKE...

>> WELL, TO ME, YOU ARE.

>> HARDWICK: I MEAN, I, AS AHOBBY, I LIKE TO, YOU KNOW...

♪ SPIN TUNES OCCASIONALLY. I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO... GET

INTO IT NOW.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

>> I STILL HAVE YOUR EIGHT-TRACK"AFTERNOON MOVES".

♪ THEY ASKED ME IF I LIKED IT,AND I SAID "I DON'T KNOW,

IT LOOKS LIKE LUKE SKYWALKERDRESSED UP LIKE HAN SOLO." ♪

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS,PERFECT, I LIKE IT.

LAST ONE-- THIS MOST TALENTEDKARDASHIAN.

>> ♪ LA, LA, LA, LA, LALA, LA, LA, LA, LA,

LA, LA, LA. ♪(BELL DINGS)

>> HARDWICK: I'M GONNA SAYTHAT'S KIM KARDASHIAN'S

PERPETUAL INNER MONOLOGUE.

THAT'S... LIKE, WHEN YOU SEE HERON THE COVER OF THE MAGAZINE

WITH HER ASS STICKING OUT,THAT'S WHAT'S PLAYING IN HER

HEAD ON A LOOP.

UH, NICK OFFERMAN.

>> UH, WE HAVE CHECHNYAN GUNMONEY-- LET US MAKE VIDEO.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO NICK.

DANA.

>> UH, WELL, I'M... FEEL LIKE ISHOULD ALMOST RECUSE MYSELF,

BECAUSE I'M A BIG GNESA "WILDER"FAN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH.

>> AND, UM, THIS IS ACTUALLYFROM HER ALBUM "MY BUSH LOOKS

LIKE LENNY KRAVITZ IS TYING MYSHOES".

>> HARDWICK: PO...

POINTS.

>> PEOPLE... PEOPLE CALL ME"DAD."

>> HARDWICK: NOT... NOT JUSTYOUR KIDS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,BEIRDOS.

IN HONOR OF MOVEMBER, AKANO-SHAVE NOVEMBER AKA THE ONLY

WAY THAT FUNNY GUY AT YOUROFFICE KNOWS HOW TO GET INVOLVED

WITH A CHARITY, I'M GONNA SHOWYOU A PARTIAL PICTURE POSTED

ONLINE OF A RANDOM DUDE.

FOR 250 POINTS, I WANT YOU TOTELL ME IF HE'S SPORTING A WEIRD

BEARD OR A DISTURBINGARRANGEMENT OF CHEST HAIR.

FIRST UP, THIS MAN'S MAN.

(BELL DINGS)BEARD OR CHEST HAIR, MR.

OFFERMAN?

>> JUST A...

I-I WAS GIVEN TO UNDERSTAND IWOULD SEE SOME HAIR.

UH, BUT NOW I SEE...

NOW I SEE HOW THIS IS GOING.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH.

>> UH...

CH-CHEST HAIR, FOR SURE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LET'SFIND OUT, LET'S FIND OUT.

CHEST HAIR!

>> HEY!

>> JAY LENO REALLY DOES HAVE TOGET "THE TONIGHT SHOW" BACK.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, WHATABOUT THIS GUY?

(BELL DINGS)DANA J.

>> THAT'S A BAD BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

YEAH, OH.

NICE CROSS-HATCHING.

IT'S LIKE A BASKET WEAVE.

>> IT'S WICKER.

>> YOU C... YOU CAN USE THAT TOCATCH MINNOWS, IS THE...

IS THE UPSHOT.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO NICKOFFERMAN FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE-- THIS STEVE CARELLLOOK-ALIKE.

THIS STEVE CARELL...

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: AIMEE.

>> HE HAS THE CONTEMPLATIVE LOOKOF A MAN WITH A LUXURIOUS CHEST

AREA.

>> HARDWICK: I REALLY HOPE SO.

LET'S SEE.

NO, IT'S A...

>> AW.

>> IT'S THE M.C. ESCHER OFMUSTACHES.

>> HARDWICK: I DON'T... I DON'TKNOW WHY, BUT I'M REALLY MAD AT

THAT GUY FOR SOME REASON.

JUST FEEL REALLY MAD RIGHT NOW.

>> DAD, I NEED TO GET TO THEHOSPITAL.

"ONE SECOND."

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE.

THIS GUY, THIS GUY.

WHAT IS... I DON'T KNOW.

(BELL DINGS)DANA.

>> I CAN SEE THE BEARD IN THELOWER RIGHT-HAND CORNER.

>> HARDWICK: CAN YOU?

>> BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: WELL, YOU'RE WRONG,IT'S CHEST HAIR!

>> OH!

BUT THAT IS NOT A GUY-- I HAPPENTO KNOW THAT THAT IS JOEL

SCHUMACHER'S CHRISTMAS TREE TOP.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

WELL, IT DEFINITELY MADE THISDARK KNIGHT RISE.

>> BOOM!

>> HARDWICK (A LA BANE): OH,BATMAN, IT SEEMS THAT YOU'VE

TAKEN OFF YOUR SHIRT.

>> I THOUGHT YOU WERE DOING... ITHOUGHT YOU WERE DOING BANE, BUT

I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU WERESAYING, SO IT MUST'VE BEEN

SOMEONE ELSE.

(HARDWICK SPEAKING GIBBERISH)>> HARDWICK: IT SEEMS THERE'S A

FAIR AMOUNT OF TENTING GOING ONIN THOSE SHORTS.

>> MY KID WAS TRYING TO TALK TOME IN THE POOL, AND I HAD A

GREAT IDEA FOR THE VILLAIN.

(HARDWICK LAUGHS)>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, LAST

ONE.

THESE CREEPY EYES.

THESE CREEPY EYES.

(BELL DINGS)YES, NICK.

>> FUCKED-UP BEARD.

>> HARDWICK: THE CORRECT ANSWERIS... CHEST HAIR.

(GROANING)JESUS.

>> OH!

>> HARDWICK: COME ON.

THAT'S...

>> OH...

IS THAT ANDY SERKIS?

>> HARDWICK: A FUCKING MARTINI.

OH. FUCK THAT GUY.

UNCLE CHUCKLES.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)THE HOLIDAYS ARE ALMOST UPON US,

SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, ATIME TO RECONNECT WITH LOVED

ONES TO HEAR WHAT THEY'VE BEENUP TO AND TO CATCH UP ON ALL THE

INAPPROPRIATE JOKES YOURALCOHOLIC UNCLE OVERHEARD AT THE

DOG TRACK.

YES, THE DRUNK UNCLE ATTHANKSGIVING.

IF YOU CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT THATGUY LOOKS LIKE, THIS MIGHT HELP.

>> HE'S STRUTTING OUT LIKE IAIN'T NEVER SEE HIM STRUT OUT.

HEY.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: SO, COMEDIANS, FOR

TONIGHT'S SPEED GAME, I WANT YOUTO GIVE ME THE SETUPS TO CRINGEY

UNCLE JOKES THAT TEND TO RESULTIN CRYING, FIGHTING, AND A CEASE

AND DESIST LETTER FROM THE ACLU.

SO LET'S PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK AND BEGIN.

(BELL DINGS) DANA GOULD.

>> WHAT'D HEALTH CARE SAY TOBARACK OBAMA WHEN THEY WERE

HAVING SEX AT GLOBAL WARMING'SHOUSE?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)AIMEE MANN.

>> WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ITALIANIN A SLEEPING BAG?

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

I REALLY WANT TO KNOW.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, DANA.

>> WHAT DID HILLARY CLINTON SAYAT THE ASSHOLE CONVENTION?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NICK OFFERMAN.

>> CHECK OUT MY DICK.

>> HARDWICK: WELL...

(BELL DINGS)NICK.

>> SERIOUSLY, CHECK OUT MY DICK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

POINTS TO THAT.

(BELL DINGS)UH, AIMEE.

>> WHAT DO YOU CALL A PAKISTANIWITH TWO TOWELS ON HIS HEAD?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)NICK OFFERMAN.

>> UH, SERIOUSLY, MA, CHECK OUTMY DICK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

MA.

(BELL DINGS)UH, DANA.

>> WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO QUEERSON A WEDDING CAKE?

(BUZZER SOUNDS)HAPPY AND IN LOVE.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS.

POINTS.

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