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Extended - Thursday, July 31, 2014 - Uncensored

  • 07/31/2014
  • Views: 19,738

Jen Kirkman, Jermaine Fowler and Mike Lawrence figure out which odd picture Chris Pratt tweeted, list #BadHogwartsClasses and hear strange goth confessions. (25:06)

RIPPED FROM TODAY'S INTERNETHEADLINES, IT'S RAPID REFRESH.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)UH, MARVEL'S GUARDIANS OF THE

GALAXY HITS THEATRES THISWEEKEND, AND YOU SHOULD SEE IT,

'CAUSE IT'S REAL GOOD.

WE WENT TO THE PRESS JUNKET ANDCAUGHT UP WITH ONE OF THE STARS.

YOU COULD EVEN CALL HIM THESTAR-LORD, 'CAUSE THAT'S THE

NAME OF THE CHARACTER HE PLAYS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CHRISPRATT.

>> HEY, GUYS, I HOPE YOU GO ANDSEE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY.

DID YOU KNOW THAT I HAD TO GIVEUP BEER FOR SIX MONTHS TO GET IN

SHAPE FOR THE MOVIE, AND THATWAS THE SINGLE MOST HARDEST

THING I'VE EVER HAD TO DO INMY LIFE?

(LAUGHTER)UH, POINT IS, I'VE HAD A PRETTY

EASY LIFE.

ANYWAYS, UH, WHEN I GET DOWNTIME, I LIKE TO USE MY TWITTER

ACCOUNT.

IT'S @PRATTPRATTPRATT.

@PRATTPRATT WAS TAKEN.

UH, WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING'S AREAL PHOTO I RECENTLY TWEETED?

(BELL DINGS)>> HARDWICK: YES, MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> I'M GONNA GO WITH, UH, B.

AND, GOD, I HOPE THAT MOVIE ISGOOD, 'CAUSE I CAN'T SUFFER ANY

LONGER.

>> HARDWICK: NO, IT'S GONNA BEGOOD, I PROMISE.

I SAW IT.

I THINK YOU'LL ENJOY IT.

AND YOU WILL ALSO BE HAPPY WITHTHAT FACT THAT THE CORRECT

ANSWER IS, IN FACT, B-- HOLDINGA BUNCH OF BULLFROGS.

(APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)HERE'S WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

OH, MAN.

THOSE ARE HUGE.

NOW, UH, I'M A FAN OF THEMUPPETS, SO I WANT TO SEE ONE OF

THOSE FROGS FUCK A PIG.

(LAUGHTER)IS THAT WEIRD?

>> YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: THANK... THANK YOU.

>> YEAH.

HAVE 'EM FUCK A PIG, MAN.

HAVE 'EM FUCK.

YEAH...

>> THAT'S NOT KOSHER, KERMIE.

>> I DON'T THINK...

THEY NEVER FUCKED.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

>> I DON'T THINK...

I DON'T THINK THEY EVER FUCKED.

>> HARDWICK: YOU DON'T THINKKERMIT AND PIGGY EVER FUCKED?

>> I THINK HE FUCKED THECO-STARS AND SHE WAS ALWAYS

ANGRY.

I DON'T THINK THEY EVER DID.

>> I THINK HE JUST FELT HER UP.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT?

OH, GOD, BECAUSE THEY'REPUPPETS AND MADE OF FELT AND

IT'S LIKE, OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT WAS FOR YOU, JIM.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOU 100POINTS, MIKE.

ALL RIGHT, FOR BONUS POINTS,NAME THE CHRIS PRATT MOVIE THAT

THIS WOULD BE A POSTER FOR.

JERMAINE FOWLER, GO.

>> 12 FROGS A SLAVE.

YEAH, I SAID IT!

>> BRAD PITT COMES IN AND SAVESALL THOSE FROGS AT THE END.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS TO JERMAINEFOWLER.

COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON IS ONLYA MONTH AWAY AND THIS WEEK USA

TODAY SPORTS BROUGHT OURATTENTION TO UNIVERSITY OF

TEXAS KICKER NICK ROSE'S AMAZINGTEAM HEAD SHOT.

IT SAYS HE'S A KICKER, BUT ITHINK HIS POSITION IS "WHOA"

BACK.

HE LOOKS LIKE HE JUST GOT OFF ASHIFT AT THE SNOWBOARD RENTAL

SHOP.

THIS PICTURE HAS, OF COURSE,INSPIRED A MEME.

MY FAVORITE WAS THIS SPOKESMANFOR THE HAIR CLUB FOR BULLS.

NICK ROSE'S PERSONAL TWITTERACCOUNT IS EQUALLY AS STONEY AS

YOU WOULD EXPECT.

WHICH TWEET FROM THIS APPARENTLYHIGH AS SHIT KICKER IS REAL?

A: THOMAS EDISON... NOW THAT GUYWAS THE GUY.

B: WATCHING SQUIRRELS ALWAYSIMPRESSES ME.

C: LOL WHY'S IT CALLED FOOTBALLSHOULD BE CALLED CARRY WEIRD

SHAPE.

(BELL DINGS)JEN.

I HOPE IT'S "THOMAS EDISON...

NOW THAT GUY WAS THE GUY."

>> HARDWICK: YOU KNOW,SURPRISINGLY, IT WAS "WATCHING

SQUIRRELS ALWAYS IMPRESSES ME."

>> NO!

>> I KNEW IT.

>> HARDWICK: WHY DID YOU KNOWTHAT?

>> HE LOOKED LIKE A DUDE THATLOVES SQUIRRELS.

>> HARDWICK: I THINK THERE WEREFIVE OF THEM LIVING IN HIS HAIR.

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT ARE THISTEXAS BONGHORN'S PLANS AFTER

GRADUATION, JEN?

>> OH, UH, JUST, LIKE, GONNAPART MY HAIR ON THE OTHER SIDE

FOR A WHILE.

SEE... SEE WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, POINTS.

UH, MIKE.

>> BEING PEPPERMINT PATTY IN"CHARLIE BROWN: THE MUSICAL."

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

ALL RIGHT, NEXT ONE.

IT'S JK ROWLING'S BIRTHDAY, ANDFANS ARE CELEBRATING IN ALL

SORTS OF WAYS.

ALL SORTS OF SORTING HAT WAYS.

UH, NOW, I'M NOT HERE TO SAY AHARRY POTTER TATTOO IS A BAD

IDEA-- HECK, SHOW ME A COMELYYOUNG SHE-WIZARD WITH A GOLDEN

SNITCH TRAMP STAMP AND I WILLSHOW YOU THE FUTURE MRS. CHRIS

HARDWICK.

ACCIO BONER.

BUT THERE IS A TUMBLR BLOGCALLED "YOU MAKE HARRY SAD"

THAT COLLECTS POTTER TATTOOS SOBAD YOU CAN PRACTICALLY SMELL

THE HEP C.

COMEDIANS, WHICH OF THESETATTOOS THAT SHALL NOT BE NAMED

GOT THE MOST RE-BLOGS?

A: THIS SPECIAL VOLDEMORT.

>> (LOW GROWL)THAT'S WHAT MICHAEL BAY'S NINJA

TURTLES LOOK LIKE.

>> HARDWICK: 100 POINTS TO MIKELAWRENCE.

B: HOMELESS DUMBLEDORE.

HOMELESS DUMBLEDORE.

>> I FEEL LIKE THAT'S WHATEITHER BEN OR JERRY LOOKS LIKE.

OR C: CHUBBY POTTER.

CHUBBY POTTER.

(BELL DINGS)WHO BOUGHT ALL THE CHOCOLATE

FROGS ON THE HOGWARTS EXPRESS,APPARENTLY.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> I-I'M GONNA GO WITH C,BECAUSE I'VE SEEN HER AT THE

LESBIAN BOOKSTORE.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT THECORRECT ANSWER.

UH, WEIRDLY-SHAPED CLIVE BARKERINSPIRED NINJA TURTLE, UH...

FOR BONUS POINTS, WHAT'S THEWORST POSSIBLE POP CULTURE

TATTOO YOU CAN THINK OF, JENKIRKMAN?

>> UH, THE DIFFERENT WEIGHTS OFJESSICA SIMPSON DONE IN THE

PHASES OF THE MOON.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

YOU BROKE MIKE LAWRENCE.

YOU BROKE MIKE LAWRENCE FOR ASECOND.

JERMAINE.

>> I, UH...

FIRST GETTING TATTOO TEARS, BUTTHEN GETTING ANOTHER TATTOO OF

DRAKE WIPING THE TEARS AWAY.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR TONIGHT'SHASHTAG WARS.

IN HONOR OF JK ROWLING'SBIRTHDAY, TONIGHT'S HASHTAG IS

#BADHOGWARTSCLASSES.

EXAMPLES: GETTING SEMEN OUT OFYOUR ROBE.

UNICORNS: NATURE'S MIRACLE ORJUST SOMETHING STRIPPERS GET

TATTOOS OF?

ANYTHING IN THERE WILL PROBABLYWORK.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK, AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, MIKE.

>> MAGIC: THE GATHERING OF THEJUGGALOS.

>> HARDWICK: YES, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)EXCELLENT MASH-UP.

JEN.

>> MAGIC JOHNSON.

>> HARDWICK: MMM.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)UH, YES, MIKE.

>> QUIT DITCHING YOUR PREGNANTGIRLFRIEND.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JERMAINE.

>> HEXUAL EDUCATION.

>> HARDWICK: NICE, OH, SO GOOD.

>> OH, SMART.

>> HARDWICK: SO GOOD, POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JEN.

>> UM, PICK A CARD, NOT A CREDITCARD: HOW TO GET OUT OF DEBT

'CAUSE YOU'RE A MAGICIAN.

>> HARDWICK: OH, WELL DONE.

POINTS, I LIKE IT.

(BELL DINGS)IT'S LIKE A LEARNING ANNEX

CLASS-- MIKE.

>> DEFENDING YOURSELF AGAINSTSNAPE RAPE.

>> HARDWICK: HE WOULD BE THE ONEADMINISTERING THE ROOFIES.

'CAUSE OF POTIONS.

POINTS.

UH...

(BELL DINGS)JERMAINE.

>> REMEDIAL SPELLS FOR SLOWMAGICIANS.

THEY EXIST.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JEN.

>> REMOVING A TORI SPELL-ING.

>> HARDWICK: HEY, WOW, GOOD,POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JERMAINE.

>> SELF-DEFENSE AGAINST BLACKMAGIC, UH, TAUGHT BY GEORGE

ZIMMERMAN AND THE STATEN ISLANDPOLICE DEPARTMENT.

>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD, THATIS... I MEAN...

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MIKE.

>> THAT'S SO RAVENCLAW.

(BUZZER)>> HARDWICK: WONDERFUL, POINTS.

IT'S TIME TO PLAY FAKIN' IT.

FAKIN' IT.

(CHEERING)THE TUMBLR GHETTO-ASS FAKES

FEATURES PICTURES OF COSTUMEDCHARACTERS WHO LOOK LESS LIKE

THEY PARADE AROUND TIME SQUAREAND MORE LIKE THEY GOT MUGGED

THERE.

COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOUA PICTURE OF ONE OF THESE

CHARACTERS AND I WANT YOU TOGIVE ME THEIR CATCHPHRASE.

THE FIRST ONE...

LOOK AT THIS HOT MESS SMURFETTE.

WOW.

SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE SHOULD BEEATING CHIPS OFF THE FLOOR OF A

TRAIN.

(DINGS)YES, JEN?

>> SHE HASN'T BEEN THE SAMESINCE SMURF COBAIN DIED.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

YEAH.

(APPLAUSE)I'LL GIVE YOU POINTS, JEN

KIRKMAN.

>> YOU BETTER.

>> SMURF...

>> HARDWICK: UH...

SHE'LL GIVE YOU BLUE BALLS.

NEXT ONE, THIS ANOREXIC COOKIEMONSTER WITH A FANNY PACK...

(DINGS)YEAH, MIKE?

>> ME ALSO ROOFIE MONSTER.

>> HARDWICK: I'LL GIVE YOUPOINTS.

JERMAINE?

>> HI. I'M SHIA LABEOUF ANDTHIS IS MY COMMUNITY SERVICE.

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS MISS PIGGY WHO'S SEENSOME LIFE.

(DINGS)HAPPENS, SHE'S REALLY SEEN

SOME SHIT, THIS ONE.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THEY'LL LET ANYONE COHOST THEVIEW.

(LAUGHTER)POINTS.

JEN?

>> UH, BALD IN THE BACK, BUTGREAT IN THE SACK.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

NEXT ONE.

THIS CHESS PLAYING CHICKEN IN ATRACKSUIT...

JERMAINE?

>> NAH.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY. MIKE?

(LAUGHTER)>> NAH.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, MIKE?

>> EVERYTHING WENT TO HELL WHENTHE DARK MEAT MOVED INTO THIS

NEIGHBORHOOD.

(LAUGHTER)>> WOW, MAN, WHY YOU DO THAT?

ON TV? WE WERE COOL, MAN.

(LAUGHS)>> HARDWICK: SHOULD I GIVE HIM

POINTS?

>> OH, YEAH, GIVE HIM THEPOINTS, YEAH.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, POINTS,MIKE LAWRENCE.

ALL RIGHT, LAST ONE.

THIS KITTY WHO COULDN'T BEBOTHERED TO TRY.

(DINGS)(AUDIENCE GROANS)

OH, MY GOD.

YEAH, JEN?

>> OH, YOU'VE MISTAKEN ME.

I'M NOT A CHARACTER IN TIMESSQUARE.

I'M JUST A 15-YEAR-OLD GIRLVISITING FROM JAPAN.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

IT'S TIME FOR OUR NEXT GAME,GOTH CONFESSIONS.

GOTH CONFESSIONS.

(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)ALL RIGHT.

GOTH KIDS ARE SOULS TRAPPED INANOTHER TIME, A TIME OF DARKNESS

AND STRIFE, SPECIFICALLY AROUND 1992, RIGHT AFTER THAT SECOND

NINE INCH NAILS ALBUM CAME OUT.

SOMETIMES GOTHS NEED TO GETTHINGS OFF THEIR PALE CHESTS.

SO, COMEDIANS, I'M GOING TO SHOWYOU THE FIRST PART OF A GOTH

CONFESSION VIDEO, YOU TELL MEWHAT THEY'RE COMING CLEAN ABOUT,

ALL RIGHT?

FIRST ONE, THE GRIM GOOBER.

THE GRIM GOOBER HERE.

>> TECHNICALLY, I CONSIDERMYSELF A POST-PUNK ENTHUSIAST

AND I THINK THAT MAKES MESOMETHING.

I REALLY DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

>> HARDWICK: IS HIS CONFESSION,LATELY I'VE BEEN BINGE WATCHING

A LOT OF FRASIER, OR I REALLYDON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A DARK

PERSON?

(DINGS)MIKE?

>> WELL, I WISH HIS CONFESSIONTHAT, UH, WAS THAT HE GOT SHOT

WHEN THE CROW WAS MADE. UH...

(LAUGHTER)>> HARDWICK: OH, MY GOD.

WOW!

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> BUT I'M GOING TO GO WITH, IREALLY DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF A

DARK PERSON, 'CAUSE HE'S THEWHITEST PERSON I KNOW.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I DON'T CONSIDER MYSELF ADARK PERSON. I MEAN...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)THE ONLY REASON WHY I DISLIKE

STUFF LIKE SUNLIGHT IS BECAUSEMY MAKEUP MELTS IN THE SUNLIGHT.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,YEAH, YEAH.

>> I HEAR THAT, GIRL.

>> HARDWICK: SO I'M JUST... I'MA GOTH IN APPEARANCE ONLY.

IT'S ALL SUPERFICIAL.

>> IT'S JUST SUNSCREEN.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, IT'S JUSTSUNSCREEN.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS TEENY GOTHER.

>> THIS IS, LIKE, MY TINY LITTLEBASEMENT RECORDING STUDIO.

>> AW.

>> HARDWICK: IS HER CONFESSIONPEOPLE THINK SHE'S COSPLAYING AS

AVRIL LAVIGNE OR COTTAGE CHEESEGIVES HER DIARRHEA?

(DINGS)SOMETIMES PEOPLE THINK I'M

COSPLAYING AS COTTAGE CHEESE BUTAVRIL LAVIGNE DOES GIVE ME

DIARRHEA.

JEN?

>> I WANT TO CONFESS I'M SO OLDI DIDN'T KNOW TILL YESTERDAY

THAT COSPLAYING HAD NOTHING TODO WITH THE COSBY SHOW, BUT...

>> HARDWICK: NOT AT ALL.

>> UM, I'M GOING TO GUESSCOTTAGE CHEESE GIVES HER

DIARRHEA 'CAUSE CHICKS ALWAYSTALK ABOUT FOOD AND STUFF.

>> HARDWICK: OKAY, LET'S FINDOUT.

>> AND, LIKE, ALL OF THEM WERE,LIKE, ASKING ME IF I WAS

PRETENDING TO BE AVRIL LAVIGNE.

(GROANING)>> BUT THERE'S NO WAY SHE'S NOT

LACTOSE INTOLERANT.

>> SHE LOOKS LIKE IF AN OLSENTWIN ATE EVERY DAY.

(LAUGHTER)>> FOUR-COURSE MEAL.

>> HARDWICK: ALL RIGHT, 100POINTS TO MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> THREE MEALS A DAY.

>> HARDWICK: NEXT ONE, THISPIERCED PET LOVER...

>> I AM ADDICTED TO...

>> OH.

>> HARDWICK: WHAT'S SHE ADDICTEDTO, THE BACHELOR OR SPONGEBOB

SQUAREPANTS?

(DINGS)MIKE LAWRENCE?

>> WHITE PUSSY.

>> THAT'S A DOG.

>> HARDWICK: THAT'S A DOG.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)>> I'M GOING TO GO WITH

SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.

>> HARDWICK: LET'S FIND OUT.

>> I AM ADDICTED TO SPONGEBOB.

>> HARDWICK: YAY.

FIRED UP.

FIRED UP.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)OH, GOOD, YOU ARE.

GOOD.

SEEMS LIKE EVERY OTHER DAMN WEEKTHERE'S A STORY ABOUT SOMEONE

GETTING FIRED FOR WHAT THEY POSTON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER.

SO, COMEDIANS, I WANT YOU TOCOME UP WITH AS MANY FACEBOOK

STATUS UPDATES AS YOU CAN THATWOULD GET YOU FIRED.

I'M GONNA PUT 60 SECONDS ON THECLOCK.

AND GO.

(BELL DINGS)YES, MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> SHE WORKS IN H.R. 'CAUSE HERTITS ARE HUGE AND RECTANGULAR.

>> HARDWICK: HUGE RECTANGULARPOINTS.

(BELL DINGS)YEAH, JEN.

>> I DON'T SEE WHY MAKING LOVETO A DOLPHIN IS SO WRONG.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS. UH...

(BELL DINGS)YEAH, JEN.

>> UM, JESUS DID 9/11.

>> HE WANTED IT!

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JERMAINE.

>> DAMN, ALL THESE STEWARDESSESGOT FAT.

#PILOTLIFE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JEN.

>> WHY CAN'T ALL THE PEOPLE INISRAEL JUST MOVE TO NEW YORK

CITY?

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)MIKE.

>> CASUAL FRIDAY?

MORE LIKE VAGINAL FRIDAY.

>> HARDWICK: YEAH, GUYS, IT'SFRIDAY.

WEAR YOUR MOST FUN VAGINA.

POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)YEAH, JEN.

>> I THOUGHT SEX WITH A CORPSEWOULD BE EASIER THAN DATING.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

(BELL DINGS)JERMAINE.

>> I JUST LANDED THE (BLEEP) OUTOF THAT PLANE.

STANDING OVATION, (BLEEP).

#PILOTLIFE.

>> HARDWICK: POINTS.

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