Right now, real animals arebeing neglected by me.
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer.
And these arethe dozens of animals
I never shouldhave adopted.
Long story short, I'm nowlegally considered a hoarder.
I mean,what do you expect?
I mean, they're cute as (bleep).
Like what is this thing?
Like, what are you,an act one Gremlin?
You are a burden.
That's where youcome in.
Call the number on yourscreen right now and just,
just take a few ofthese things off my hands.
Like Walter, who only is niceto you when he needs something.
Nobody walks me, Walt.
This one I call Bait and Switch'cause he used
to be real cuteand then he got bigger.
Not a Laugher.
And let's just say this one,
she doesn't havea warrior spirit.
Spencer's actually cool.
He found my phone.
I honestly don't want to havethis conversation
with you right now,but I will
in front of everybody.
Fat,But Owns It.
And Mrs. Wong is glib.
Time is running out.
My sister just spent her studentloan check on an all-inclusive
trip for the two of usto go to Turks and Caicos.
The excursions are notincluded.
And once I'm on that plane,
the last thingI want to be worried about
is this dog's water bowlor this turtle's survival.
Get away from your sister.
Russell, you knowyou're not allowed near her!
If you call in thenext 10 minutes,
you'll receive thisfree T-shirt.
You're so (bleep) cute.
I want moreof you!
But I don't.
(man)She's beautiful, she's smart,
(man)She's your best friend.
(man)You can't picture yourlife without her.
Or can you?
A little bit.
(man)Give her the gift that keepson giving... you more time.
We're proud to introduce ourStolen Years collection.
Because you're not sureand you probably never will be.
(man)A line of jewelryas gorgeous are her
and as non-committal as you.
(woman)Who's that new chickin marketing?
(man)Stolen Years marks the preciousdays and months you're taking
from her as you carelesslydiddle time away,
trying to figure outif she's the best you can do.
The Stolen Yearscollection.
Give her the giftthat says forever.
I will keep you waitingfor for-(bleep)-ever.
Amy, a highschool graduate,
is ready to change herrelationship status
with her boyfriend,Nick.
Are you mybreakup girl?
Hi, come here.
Nick and I have been datingfor two-and-a-half years.
Nick is like, sucha great guy, but I just,
I know in my heart that I'mready for something taller.
So let'stalk general concept.
Have we given any thought towhether you want it to be
a slow realizationor a devastating blindside?
Um, I guessblindside feels more me.
You know what?
I knew you were goingto say that.
I just get you.You do.
Let's look atsome venues, come on.
You know what?
I have an idea, Amy.
Let me tell you.
What do youthink about tapas?
I love the smallplates idea.
I think it'sa great fit for you, Amy.
You know, it's low commitment,you can leave after
the bacon-wrapped figsif you want, or if he's crying,
you can stay forthe croquettas!
Ooh, I lovecroquettas!
Then we're gonna haveto make him cry.
You're such a natural.
Have you donethis before?
Everyone alwaysbreaks up with me.
Mom, one to 10?
When I divorced your father,
I wore somethingmore traditional.
This is my day!Oh, sweetie.
No, you stop it.
You're ruining this!
Mom, can I talk toyou for a second?
(crying)Why are you being mean?
We have the dress!
(Amy)I watched my friendsdo this over and over again
and now it's my turn.
Why are allthese cameras here?
the times we shared can neverbe taken away from us.
What are youguys shooting?
But all things must run theircourse and in due time,
even everything ends.
So Nick, today, I'd liketo tell you that
I am breaking up with you.
Go forEduardo and Pilar.
We have tears.
Go for croquettas!
(man sings in Spanish)
Why the (bleep)is he singing?
No, I'm sorry, no.
These are from Spain.
Sweetie, I'm sorry,no singing, okay?
But if I want to hear you sing,I will put a dollar
in your (bleep) sombrero.
This is not the(bleep) "Voice".
Do I look like I'm ina spinny chair?
Please justfollow instructions.
I have 200 of you.
I don't even know whatto say right now.
I'm like,totally blindsided.
What is this?
Oh, you're giving me mystuff back in a gift bag?
Hey, (bleep) you, Amy.
Sweetie, youwere amazing!
You did it, girl!
We did it.
It couldn't havebeen more perfect.
It was truly the breakup ofmy dreams and the best part--
now I have a newgay best friend.
Oh, I'm not gay.
I'm gonna (bleep) her.
So Downing, you are106 years old.
What's your favoritepart about being 100?
No condoms, right?
Well, I'm thankful for everyday when you're 100,
'cause you knowthe end is near.
You know that.
I don't know.
I don't know, Downing.You don't know it, but I do.
I think you're going tooutlive everybody here.
Are you on Twitter?
No, I don't know anyof the new things.
I have very poor visionand my hearing is off.
Are your othersenses heightened?
Like, can yousmell that our sound guy
smoked weedthis morning?
Oh, heavens no.
You went to Towson.
I graduatedin 1931.
Took a littlebusiness course.
That's where I went to.
I went to thesame college as you.
I'm so pleased to hear that.Yeah.
I went to Towson becausewhen I visited,
I won a drinking contest.
Yeah, I love Baltimore,but it definitely
has its dangerous parts.
Did you ever watchthe show "The Wire"?
Don't know enoughabout it, darling.
Are you still aBaltimore girl?
I live inthe Baltimore area.
I live in the Towson areain a retirement home.
Do you know anybody maybe atthe home you can set me up?
Any, any eligiblebachelors?
Did you ever get intoa fistfight?
No, ma'am.Yeah, me neither.
Never had a fistfight.
Well, be careful.
This neighborhoodisn't so good.No.
What was theGreat Depression like?
What do you remember ofthe Great Depression?
We were very, very carefulabout our food.
We would make a can ofsalmon last for two nights.
And we liked it,you know?
We were saving.
That's how Comedy Centralwishes I ate.
What are the changes you've seenfor women with how they look?
Well, everybody'swearing pants.
And I--Thank God.
I got into the first pairof pants in World War II
and I thought we would nevertake them on as the usual garb,
but we have.
You think it's strange thatwomen wear their hair like,
I think the style now is pretty,however, I wonder who decrees
that it is now straightif you're 50 and younger.
I would think that the beautyoperators would want you to keep
your hair curled.
What about how-- how peoplehave changed how they feel
about different races?
About racism?Yeah, racism.
I have learned over the yearsto have some of my very good
friends to be, uh...
That's not the word,but anyway.
No, that's the word.
That's fine.That's fine.
What did you used to worry aboutthat you don't concern yourself
I would worry overpeople over drinking.
I lived during the Prohibitionyears, you know?
And some of the young people,yeah, they would overindulge
and I would bevery concerned.
You would have been veryconcerned about me.
About you, honey?
I can't--no kidding.
You were one?
Oh, you're crazy.
I can'tbelieve it.
I could have useda friend like you.
What's the craziestthing you ever witnessed
in your whole life?
I don't thinkI can answer that.