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Rick Cleveland's My Buddy Bill

  • 02/07/2008
  • views: 298

Rick Cleveland describes the ups and downs of his fictional friendship with former President Bill Clinton. (42:03)

I FIRST MET BILL CLINTONWHEN HE WAS STILL THE PRESIDENT.

I WAS IN WASHINGTONWITH SOME OF THE OTHER WRITERSFROM THE WEST WING

AND DURING A TOUROF THE OVAL OFFICE,

HE HAPPENED TO STEP INJUST AS I WASSCRATCHING HIS DOG, BUDDY,

BEHIND THE EARS.I HAVE A WAY WITH DOGS,

ESPECIALLY THE EASY-GOING BREEDSLIKE LABS AND RETRIEVERS.

WHEN I WAS A KID,DOGS USED TO GO

OUT OF THEIR WAYTO FOLLOW ME HOME.

DOGS KNOW THINGS.THEIR NOSES ARE SOMEWHERE

ON THE ORDER OF 500 TIMESMORE SENSITIVE THAN OUR NOSES

AND THAT MEANSIF YOU MEASURED INTELLIGENCEBY OLFACTORY SENSE ALONE,

DOGS WOULD BE OFF THE SCALEGENIUSES AND WE WOULD

- ALL HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS.- [LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, BUDDY IS LYING ONTHIS RUG IN THE OVAL OFFICE,

THIS RUG WITHTHE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL ON IT,

AND I'M JUSTSCRATCHING HIM BEHIND THE EARS,

WHEN THE PRESIDENT COMES INCURIOUS TO MEET US

AND BUDDY PEES ALL OVER THE RUG.INSTINCTIVELY I ROLL BUDDY OVER,

AND TAKING THEALPHA DOG POSITION

PRACTICALLY ON TOP OF HIM,I SAY, "NO, BUDDY, BAD DOG!"

THE PRESIDENT LOOKS AT MEAND SAYS, "THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

"I'LL HAVE TO GET SOMEONEIN HERE TO CLEAN THAT UP.

HE'S ALWAYSPIDDLING ON THAT RUG."IT TAKES ME A SECOND

TO REALIZE THATTHE PRESIDENT IS TALKING TO ME.

UP UNTIL THAT MOMENTI'D NEVER BEEN SPOKEN TO

BY SOMEONE WHO HAPPENEDTO BE THE PRESIDENT,

NOT TO MENTION THAT HE'D JUSTSAID THE WORD "PIDDLING."

[LAUGHTER]

WE ALL SHAKE HANDS WITH HIMAND THEN WE CHAT ABOUT BUDDY

AND I TELL HIM THATI HAVE AN UNCLE WHO USEDTO RAISE CHOCOLATE LABS

AND HOW THEY ARE A SOFTMOUTHED BREED AND BIG HEARTED

AND SMART AND LOYALAND GOOD WITH KIDS.

AND THEN WE TALKEDFOR A LITTLE WHILE ABOUT

WASHINGTON'S CHERRY BLOSSOMSIN BLOOM AND ABOUT OUR TV SHOW.

AND THEN SOMEONE COMES INTO CLEAN UP AFTER BUDDY

AND THE PRESIDENT POLITELYUSHERS US OUT OF THE OVAL OFFICE

AND SAYS GOODBYE.A FEW WEEKS LATER BACK IN L.A.,

I GET A CALL FROM THE PRESIDENT.HE TELLS ME, "I'M COMIN' OUT TO

"CALIFORNIA NEXT WEEK TO LOOK ATSOME HOUSES IN MALIBU

"AND I'M BRINGING BUDDY WITH MEAND I WONDERED WHETHER OR NOT

YOU COULD RECOMMENDA DOG FRIENDLY BEACHI COULD TAKE HIM TO."

I SAY, "MR. PRESIDENT,I'M PRETTY SURE THAT

"IF YOU WANT TO TAKEBUDDY FOR A WALK ON THE BEACH,

YOU'LL BE ABLE TO WALK HIM ONJUST ABOUT ANY BEACH YOU WANT."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAYS, "YOU KNOW HOW MUCHTROUBLE I'VE GOTTEN INTO

"IN THE LAST YEAR OR TWO.THE LAST THING I NEED RIGHT NOW

"IS A PICTURE OF MEIN EVERY NEWSPAPER

"ILLEGALLY WALKINGMY DOG ON SOME

- 'NO DOGS ALLOWED' BEACH."- [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE SAYS,"I'D ASK DAVID GEFFEN,

"HE'S GOT A PLACE IN MALIBU.BUT RIGHT NOW,

HE'S SORT OF ONMY [BLEEP] LIST."

THE PRESIDENT JUST SAIDTHE WORD "[BLEEP] LIST" TO ME.

I START TO TELL HIM ABOUT THISLITTLE STRETCH OF BEACH I KNOW

OF JUST SOUTH OF POINT DUME.IT'S NOT EASY TO GET TO,

AND I'M NOT SUREIT'S STRICTLY A "LEGALLY"DOG-FRIENDLY BEACH.

BUT IT'S WHERE I TAKE MY GOLDENSHERLOCK ALL THE TIME.

AND SO FAR,WE'VE NEVER GOTTEN BUSTED.

AND I CAN'T BELIEVEI JUST USED THE WORD "BUSTED"

IN A CONVERSATIONWITH THE PRESIDENT.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAYS,"THAT SOUNDS PERFECT.

"WHAT'S YOUR DOG'S NAME,SHERLOCK?WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?

WE'LL BE IN TOWN NEXT WEEK,HOW ABOUT THURSDAY AFTER LUNCH?"

SO I SAY, "OKAY."AND HE SAYS, "I'LL HAVESOMEONE FROM MY OFFICE

CALL YOU TO FIRM THINGS UP."AND THEN SAYS "GOODBYE,"

AND HANGS UP.

MY DAD WAS ANALCOHOLIC BUS DRIVER

AND MY MOM WAS A DRILL PRESSOPERATOR IN A FACTORY

AND I FLUNKED OUT OF THE11th GRADE THE FIRST TIME

FROM SMOKING TOO MUCH POTAND DITCHING SCHOOL.

AND NOW HERE IT IS20 PLUS YEARS LATER

AND I HAVE A DATE TO GO FORA DOG WALK ON THE BEACH

WITH THE [BLEEP] PRESIDENT OFTHE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

AS SPECIAL AGENT DIETRICHFROM THE LOS ANGELES OFFICE

OF THE UNITED STATESSECRET SERVICE.

HE ASKS ME FORMY SOCIAL SECURITY ANDDRIVER'S LICENSE NUMBERS

SO THEY CAN RUN A ROUTINESECURITY CLEARANCE ON ME.

AND THEN HE TELLS ME THEYALREADY HAVE SPECIFIC DIRECTIONS

TO BOTH OUR HOUSEAND THE STRETCH OF BEACH

I WOULD BE TAKINGTHE PRESIDENT AND HIS DOG TO.

INCLUDING CURRENTSATELLITE PHOTOS

- OF BOTH LOCATIONS.- [LAUGHTER]

THE NEXT DAY,THREE JET BLACK CHEVY SUBURBANS

FULL OF SECRET SERVICE AGENTSCOME TO OUR HOUSE,

THERE MUST BE 12 OF THEM,SURVEY EVERYTHING IN SIGHT.

THE YARD, UNDERNEATH THE DECK,THE FIELD ACROSS THE ROAD,

AND EVERY BATHROOM AND CLOSETIN EVERY ROOM OF THE HOUSE,

INCLUDING THE ATTIC.AROUND NOON ON THURSDAY,

THE PRESIDENT'S MOTORCADEPULLS UP OUR DRIVEWAY.

THE PRESIDENTKNOCKS ON OUR FRONT DOORAND I INTRODUCE HIM

TO MY WIFE, MARY,AND OUR THREE KIDS.

MARY ASKS HIM IFSHE CAN TAKE HIS PICTURE.

AND HE HANDS HER CAMERA TOONE OF THE SECRET SERVICE GUYS.

JUST BEFOREHE TAKES OUR PICTURE,

THE PRESIDENTPUTS HIS ARM AROUND MARY,

WHO'S HOLDING OUR SON, GUS.THAT PICTURE IS NOW

STUCK TO OUR REFRIGERATORWITH A SPIDERMAN MAGNET.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PRESIDENT AND I SIT IN ONEOF THE LIMOS FACING FORWARD.

SPECIAL AGENT DIETRICHSITS ACROSS FROM US

NEXT TO ANOTHERSECRET SERVICE AGENT,SPECIAL AGENT POGUE,

AND THEY'RE BOTHWEARING SUNGLASSES.

SHERLOCK AND BUDDYSIT ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM

WITH THEIR NOSESSTICKING OUT THE WINDOWS.

I GET THE FEELINGTHAT SPECIAL AGENT POGUE

DOESN'T LIKE HAVINGTHE WINDOWS OPEN,

BUT THE PRESIDENT CLEARLY WANTSTHE DOGS TO ENJOY THE RIDE.

AT ONE POINT HE SAYS, "I DON'TLIKE TRAVELING THIS WAY.

"BELIEVE ME, I FIND ALL THESESO-CALLED PRECAUTIONS

"TO BE A PAIN IN THE ASS.IT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

"I'LL LOOK FORWARD TOWHEN THIS TERM IS OVER.

"HELL, SOMEDAY,IT'S JUST GONNA BE ME AND BUDDYIN A PICKUP TRUCK."

- I ASKED, "WHAT ABOUT HILLARY?"- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

"HILLARY?HILLARY HATES PICKUP TRUCKS."

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

WE GET TO THE BEACHABOUT 20 MINUTES LATER,

AND BY THE TIMEOUR MOTORCADE PULLS IN,

THERE ARE A HANDFUL OF PEOPLEWAITING TO SEE THE PRESIDENT.

BUT SHERLOCK AND BUDDYARE ALREADY HALFWAY ACROSSTHE SAND TO THE WATER.

I DON'T KNOW IF BUDDY'SEVER BEEN IN THE OCEAN BEFORE

BUT SHERLOCK HAS,AND THAT'S WHERE HE'S HEADED.

SWIMMING FOR SHERLOCKIS LIKE CRACK COCAINE

FOR PEOPLE WHO REALLY,REALLY LIKE CRACK COCAINE.

HE'LL SWIM FOR HOURS ON END.

AND WHEN YOU FINALLYCOAX HIM OUT OF THE WATER,

HE'LL DROP WHATEVER IT ISHE'S BEEN FETCHING,

A TENNIS BALLOR A STICK OR A FRISBEE,

AND THEN HE'LLWHINE AND BARK AND WOOF

AND HIS LEGS WILL SHAKELIKE HE HAS PALSY.

SO SHERLOCK HITS THE WATER,GETS SWAMPED BY A ROLLING WAVE,

THEN PUSHES PAST THE BREAKERSAND JUST STARTS SWIMMING

IN TIGHT BEAUTIFUL CIRCLES,WAITING FOR WHATEVER IT IS

HE'S SUPPOSED TO FETCH.AND IT'S THEN I REALIZED

THAT I'D FORGOTTEN TO BRINGA TENNIS BALL OR A FRISBEE.

AND LOOKING AROUND,I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND

A SUITABLE PIECE OF DRIFTWOOD.SO FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES,

ME, THE PRESIDENT, AND HISENTIRE SECRET SERVICE DETAIL,

COMB THE BEACHLOOKING FOR A STICK.

[LAUGHTER]

FINALLY, ONE OF THEM FINDSA SAND-CRUSTED TENNIS BALL.

HE TOSSES IT TO ME. AND BYTHE TIME I'M READY TO THROW IT,

SHERLOCK IS ALREADYOUT OF THE WATER AND STARINGAT THE BALL IN MY HAND

- LIKE IT'S A LOADED CRACK PIPE.- [LAUGHTER]

I THROW IT HARDAND SHERLOCK DIVES IN AFTER IT.

HE SWIMS OUT, GRABS THE BALL,SWIMS BACK,

AND DROPS THE NOWSOGGY TENNIS BALL AT MY FEET.

I TOSS THE BALLTO THE PRESIDENT. HE THROWS IT

AND SHERLOCK DIVES IN AFTER IT.THIS TIME WHEN HE COMES OUT,

HE DROPS THE BALLAT THE PRESIDENT'S FEET.

BY THEN, HE'S TAKENHIS SHOES AND SOCKS OFF

AND SPECIAL AGENT POGUE, DAVE,IS HOLDING THEM.

[LAUGHTER]

THE PRESIDENT THROWS THE BALLA GOOD EIGHT OR NINE TIMES.

AND EVERY TIME SHERLOCKDROPS THE BALL AT HIS FEET,

HE LAUGHS. "GODDAMN, I WISHBUDDY KNEW HOW TO DO THIS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN SOMEHOW THE SUBJECTOF OUR FATHERS COMES UP.

AND I MENTION THAT MINE HAD BEENA BUS DRIVER AND AN ALCOHOLIC.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE TELLS MEABOUT HIS STEP DADWHO WAS ALSO AN ALCOHOLIC.

IT TURNS OUTWE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON.WE HAD ALCOHOLIC DADS.

HE WAS SOUTHERN WHITE TRASH.I WAS MID-WESTERN WHITE TRASH.

HE GOT ELECTED PRESIDENT TWICE.I VOTED FOR HIM BOTH TIMES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE TALK ABOUT OURFAVORITE PRESIDENTIAL TRIVIA.DID YOU KNOW THAT

NOT ONLY DID GEORGE WASHINGTONFREE HIS SLAVES AFTER HE DIED,

BUT HE WAS ALSO ANACCOMPLISHED SPELUNKER?

OR THAT WILLIAM HOWARD TAFTWAS THE FATTEST PRESIDENT

EVER TIPPING THE SCALESAT OVER 350 POUNDS?

I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEIRD,

BUT THE CONVERSATIONWE'RE HAVING ISN'TTHE LEAST BIT STILTED,

IT JUST KIND OF FLOWS.TO BE HONEST,

IF I WAS A SINGLE WOMANOR A GAY MAN...

[LAUGHTER]

I WOULD'VE WANTEDTO JUMP HIS BONES.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AFTER THAT,THE PRESIDENT DRIVES ME HOME.

HE DOESN'T ACTUALLYDRIVE ME HOME,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WHEN SHERLOCK AND IGET OUT OF HIS LIMO,

HE SHAKES MY HAND AND PATSSHERLOCK ON THE TOP OF HIS HEAD.

"THANKS FOR TAKING ME AND BUDDYTO THE BEACH," HE SAYS.

"WE HAD A GREAT TIME."I SAY, "WE DID, TOO."

AND THEN I SCRATCH BUDDYBEHIND THE EARSAND I TELL THE PRESIDENT,

"GET HIM A CAN OF TENNIS BALLSAND PLAY WITH HIM FOR 10 MINUTES

EVERY TIME YOU COME HOME."AND HE SAYS, "I SURE WILL."

LIKE HE DOESN'T MINDIN THE LEAST THAT I JUST GAVEHIM ADVICE ABOUT HIS DOG.

AND THAT'S WHEN HE LOOKS AT MEAND SAYS, "YOU CALL ME BILL."

"OKAY, BILL," I SAY."YOU MAKE SURE AND GIVE MY BEST

TO YOUR WIFE, MARY, HE SAYS."AND THEN HE ADDS,

"WE'LL SEE YOU SOON." MARY AND ISPEND THE REST OF THE DAY

ON THE PHONE CALLINGOUR FRIENDS AND MOTHERS.

AND TELLING THEMABOUT MY DAY AT THE BEACHWITH THE PRESIDENT,

- MY NEW BEST FRIEND, BILL.- [LAUGHTER]

I DIDN'T EXPECT THATI'D SEE HIM AGAIN SOON,BUT ON THAT I WAS WRONG.

A FEW MONTHS LATER,I GET ANOTHER CALL FROM HIM.

HE TELLS ME THAT HE'SCOMING BACK OUT TO CALIFORNIA

TO LOOK AT MORE HOUSESAND HE WONDERS IF MARY AND I

MIGHT LIKE TO JOINHIM AND HILLARY FOR DINNER.

APPARENTLY, THE SPIELBERG'S,THE HANKS', THE DANSON'S

AND THE BLOODSWORTH-THOMASON'SWILL ALL BE OUT OF TOWN.

SO, OF COURSE, I SAY YES.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO CHECKWITH MARY FIRSTOR EVEN ASK WHAT NIGHT.

WE DRIVE DOWN TO THIS PLACECALLED CAFé DELFINI,

THIS QUIET LITTLE ITALIAN PLACE,AND WHEN WE GET THERE

ALL THE VALET GUYSARE SECRET SERVICE AGENTS.

THE FIRST PERSONWE MEET AT THE DOOR IS

SPECIAL AGENT POGUE.I ASK AGENT POGUE IF

BILL AND HILLARY ARE HERE YET.AND HE TELLS ME,

"NO, THE PRESIDENTAND FIRST LADY ARE EN ROUTE."

AND THEN I HEAR ONE OF THEOTHER AGENTS WHISPER INTO THIS

WALKIE-TALKIE MIKE THINGON HIS WRIST,

- "DO WE HAVE AN ETA ON ELVIS?"- [LAUGHTER]

BILL CLINTON'S SECRET SERVICECODENAME IS "ELVIS."

I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT HILLARY'S SECRET SERVICECODENAME IS

AND I WONDER IFI'LL HAVE THE NERVE TO ASK HER.

THE CLINTON'S DON'T SHOW UPFOR ALMOST AN HOUR.

AND WHEN THEY FINALLY BREEZE IN,THEY LOOK LIKE MARY AND ME

WHEN WE'VE BEENHAVING A FIGHT IN THE CAR

AND HAVE TO PUT A PIN IN ITIN FRONT OF FRIENDS.

[LAUGHTER]

HILLARY ORDERS THE SAME MERLOTTHAT MARY IS DRINKING

AND BILL ORDERS A DIET COKE.

MARY PULLS OUTA COPY OF HILLARY'S BOOK"IT TAKES A VILLAGE"

AND ASKS HER TO AUTOGRAPH IT.HILLARY IS WON OVER IMMEDIATELY.

[LAUGHTER]

MARY HAD READ THE BOOKAND LOVED IT.

SHE'D WANTED ME TO READ IT, TOO,BUT SO FAR I HADN'T.

I'D MEANT TO,BUT YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

[LAUGHTER]

I WAS NERVOUS ABOUTANY DISCUSSION INVOLVING A BOOK

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE READBUT HADN'T.

THIS WAS A FEAR I'D HADEVER SINCE JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

[LAUGHTER]

MARY LOOKS AT HILLARYWHILE SHE'S SIGNING IT AND SAYS,

"IT'S SO TRUE,IT REALLY DOES TAKE A VILLAGE."

AND HILLARY SAYS,"IT DOES, DOESN'T IT?

[LAUGHTER]

BILL AND I JUSTLOOK AT EACH OTHER."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I'M TEMPTED TO MAKE A JOKEABOUT WRITING A BOOK CALLED

- "IT TAKES A NANNY"...- [LAUGHTER]

BUT I'M SMART ENOUGHTO REALIZE THATTHAT WOULD PROBABLY

PISS OFF BOTH HILLARY AND MARY.

BILL ASKS ME HOWSHERLOCK IS DOING

AND I ASK HIMHOW BUDDY IS DOING.AND HILLARY SAYS,

"THAT DOG KEEPSCHEWING UP MY SHOES."AND BILL SAYS,

"I KEEP FORGETTING TO GET HIMTHAT CAN OF TENNIS BALLS."

MARY SHOWS HILLARYPICTURES OF OUR KIDSAND HILLARY SHOWS US

CHELSEA'S GRADUATION PHOTOFROM STANFORD.

THE TWO OF THEM TALK ABOUTCHELSEA GOING TO OXFORD

AND WHERE OUR KIDSARE GOING TO PRESCHOOL.

AND THEN DURING ALULL IN THE CONVERSATION,

IN BETWEEN THE SALADAND THE MAIN COURSE,

MARY LOOKS AT HILLARY AND SAYS,

"SO, WHAT'S YOURSECRET SERVICE NAME?"

HILLARY BLUSHESAND LOOKS AT BILL.

AND BILL SAYS,"GO AHEAD, TELL THEM."

HILLARY LOOKS AT MARY AND SAYS,"EVERGREEN." AND MARY SAYS,

"OH, ARE THEYYOUR FAVORITE TREES?"

AND HILLARY SAYS,"YES. BUT DON'T GET ME WRONG,IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LOVE

- "DECIDUOUS TREES AS WELL.- [LAUGHTER]

IT'S JUST THAT I FINDEVERGREENS TO BE SO ENDURING."

WHEN SHE SAYS THE WORD ENDURING,SHE GIVES BILL A LOOK

AND I WONDER IF WHATSHE REALLY MEANS IS

AND BILL LOOKS AT US AND SAYS,"HILLARY'S CODENAME

"USED TO BE 'HUBBA,'BACK WHEN MINE WAS 'BUBBA'.BUT SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT,

SO SHE MADE THEM CHANGE IT.""IT'S NOT THAT I DIDN'T LIKE IT,

IT'S JUST THAT IT DIDN'TMAKE ANY SENSE," HILLARY SAYS.

"OH, IT MADE SENSE. THAT IS,IF YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR."

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR,FAT BOY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HILLARY LOOKS AT MARY AND SAYS,

"BILL'S CODENAMEUSED TO BE 'FAT BOY'

BUT HE DIDN'T LIKE IT,SO HE MADE THEM CHANGE IT."

"FAT, F-A-T, OR PHAT,P-H-A-T?" MARY ASKS.

- BECAUSE...- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MARY'S COOL."F-A-T," HILLARY TELLS HER.

"AFTER THE ATOMIC BOMBOR BECAUSE YOU WERE PACKING ON

A COUPLE OF EXTRA POUNDS?""BECAUSE HE'S FAT,"

- HILLARY SAYS.- [LAUGHTER]

"DON'T GET ME STARTED, HILL.""DON'T GET ME STARTED, BILL."

MARY AND I EXCHANGE A LOOK.THIS IS [BLEEP] WEIRD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS IS JUST LIKEBEING OUT WITH ALL OUROTHER MARRIED FRIENDS

WHEN THEY'RE FIGHTING,ONLY THIS IS WORSE BECAUSE

IT'S THE PRESIDENTAND THE FIRST LADY

AND THIS IS OURFIRST DOUBLE DATE.

[LAUGHTER]

BY THIS TIME,MARY IS JUST ABOUT FINISHED

WITH HER SECOND GLASS OF MERLOTAND I'M ON MY THIRD COKE.

AND I JUST BLURT OUT,"YOU KNOW,

"IF YOU TAKE THE NAME OFTHE FIRST PET YOU EVER HAD

"AS YOUR FIRST NAME ANDTHE NAME OF THE FIRST STREET

"YOU EVER LIVED ONAS YOUR LAST NAME,

- THEN YOU GET YOUR PORNO NAME."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I CAN'T BELIEVEI JUST SAID THAT.

MARY LOOKS AT MELIKE I'M A COMPLETE IDIOT.

BUT THEN I CAN SEE BILLMENTALLY TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT

- IN HIS HEAD.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

EITHER WHAT HIS PORNO NAME ISOR MAYBE WHAT HER PORNO NAME IS.

AND THAT'S WHEN HILLARY SAYS,"CAN WE CHANGE THE SUBJECT?"

OBVIOUSLY, SHE KNOWSWHAT HER PORNO NAME IS.

BUT SHE DOESN'TFEEL LIKE SHARING.

THE REST OF OUR DINNERWITH THE CLINTON'S

IS MORE OR LESS UNEVENTFUL.ON OUR WAY HOME MARY SAYS,

"I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT MANCHEATED ON HER WITH AN INTERN.

"IF YOU'RE THEPRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

"AND YOU FEEL LIKE HAVING SEXWITH SOMEONE BESIDES YOUR WIFE,

AT LEAST HAVE THE DECENCYTO DO IT WITH A GROWNUP."

[LAUGHTER]

"LIKE WHO?" I ASK."SHARON STONE," MARY SAYS.SHE SAYS IT LIKE,

- WHO ELSE BUT?- [LAUGHTER]

AND I GO,"WHAT ABOUT MEG RYAN?"MARY LOOKS AT ME

AND SAYS, "MEG RYAN? THAT'S WHOYOU WOULD HAVE SEX WITH?"

[LAUGHTER]

I KNOW THERE'S NOGOOD ANSWER...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

SO I SAY, "YEAH, I MEAN,IF I WAS THE PRESIDENT,

WHY NOT?"MARY LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS,

"THERE'S NO WAYSHE WOULD [BLEEP] YOU."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

AND I GO,"BUT I'M THE PRESIDENT."AND SHE GOES,

MY FRIEND BILL AGAIN.IN THE INTERIM,

BILL TURNED OVER THE KEYS TO THEWHITE HOUSE TO GEORGE W.,

AND THAT WAS A SERIOUS BUMMERTO MOST OF THE PEOPLE I KNOW.

SUDDENLY, MY FRIEND BILLISN'T EVEN ON TV ANYMORE.

AND THEN, ONE DAY I GET A CALLFROM SOME WOMAN NAMED LYDIA

IN BILL'S OFFICEAND SHE TELLS ME

HE WOULD LIKE TO INVITE METO THE GROUNDBREAKING

FOR HIS PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARYDOWN IN LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS

AND COULD I COME.EVEN THOUGH IT'S ONLY

A COUPLE OF DAYS NOTICE,I GO, "YES, I THINK I CAN."

AT WORK THE NEXT DAY,I HAVE TO ASK MY BOSS

AT SIX FEET UNDERIF I CAN HAVE OFF

TO GO TO THE GROUNDBREAKINGFOR MY FRIEND BILL'S

- PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY.- [LAUGHTER]

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER,BILL MAKES A SPEECHAT A CONSTRUCTION SITE

ON THE OUTSKIRTS OFDOWNTOWN LITTLE ROCK.

AND I'M JUSTSTANDING THERE CHECKING OUTWHO ELSE IS IN THE CROWD.

HILLARY ISN'T THERE.BUT AGENT POGUE IS.

AND THEN I SEEBILL'S HALF BROTHER, ROGER,IN THE BACK OF THE CROWD.

HE'S WEARINGA BROWN SUEDE JACKETWITH FRINGE.

LIKE HE'S INTHE ALLMAN BROTHERS.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THE GUY NEXT TO HIM ISWEARING A BLACK LEATHER JACKET

AND SMOKING A CIGARETTEAND WEARING A BASEBALL CAP.

AND THEN I REALIZETHAT GUY IS BILLY BOB THORNTON.

BILL FINISHES TELLING USABOUT HIS LIBRARY

AND THEN EVERYBODY HANGS AROUNDFOR ABOUT 10 MINUTES

AND THEN IT'S OVER.I HAVE NO IDEAWHAT I'M DOING HERE

AND EVERYONE ELSE WHO IS HERE,EXCEPT AGENT POGUE,

HAS NO IDEA WHO I AMOR WHAT I'M DOING HERE EITHER.

I KNOW THIS IS TRUE BECAUSEANOTHER SECRET SERVICE AGENT,

A GUY I DON'T KNOW,COMES OVER TO ME AND GOES,

"CAN I ASK WHATYOU'RE DOING HERE?"

[LAUGHTER]

AND THAT'S WHEN AGENT POGUECOMES OVER AND SAYS,

"IT'S OKAY, HE'S AN F.O.B."F.O.B., FRIEND OF BILL'S.

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

BILL FINALLY SEES MEAND COMES OVER

AND SHAKES MY HAND AND SAYS,"I'M GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT."

AND THEN ROGERAND BILLY BOB COME OVER

AND BILL INTRODUCESME TO THEM AND SAYS,

"RICK USED TO WRITE FOR THE WEST WING."

AND ROGER SAYS,"THEY WANTED ME TO BEON THAT SHOW,

"YOU KNOW, AS ASENATOR OR SOMETHING.

BUT BILL WOULDN'T LET ME."AND THEN BILL GIVES ROGER A LOOK

AND ROGER SHUTS THE HELL UPON THAT SUBJECT.

WHICH IS ABOUT 30 MILESOUTSIDE OF LITTLE ROCK.

WHEN WE GET TOBILLY BOB'S PLACE,HE TAKES US INTO

HIS RECORDING STUDIO.IT'S IN A CONVERTED BARN

AND IT'S TRICKED OUTLIKE YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE,

WITH INSTRUMENTS AND AMPSAND RECORDING EQUIPMENT

AND THIS HUGEBEER CAN PYRAMID.

I TELL BILLY BOBTHAT I PLAY A LITTLE DRUMS,

SO HE SITS MEBEHIND THE DRUM KIT

AND HE AND ROGERPICK UP GUITARS

AND BILL GRABSA TENOR SAXOPHONE

AND WE SPEND THEREST OF THE DAY JAMMING.

BILLY BOB AND ROGER TRADING OFF,DOING THE VOCALS.

BILLY BOB SAYSWE SHOULD CALL OURSELVES

- THE "FOB'S."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WE DO LYNYRD SKYNYRD'S"THAT SMELL"AND ZZ TOP'S "LAGRANGE."

AND THEN BILL PICKSCREDENCE'S "SUSIE Q."

AND THEN I GET TO PICK ONESO I PICK

QUEEN'S "UNDER PRESSURE."AND PRACTICALLY EVERY SONG WE DO

THERE'S ASAXOPHONE SOLO IN IT.

[LAUGHTER]

♪ [SAXOPHONE PLAYING TO QUEEN'S "UNDER PRESSURE"] ♪

♪ PRESSURE

♪ PUSHING DOWN ON ME,PUSHING DOWN YOU ♪

♪ NO MAN ASK FOR

♪ UNDER PRESSURE

♪ THAT BURNS A BUILDING DOWN

♪ SPLITS A FAMILY IN TWO

♪ PUTS PEOPLE ON THE STREETS

♪ UM BA BA BEUM BA BA BE ♪

♪ DE DAY DAOH, BABY ♪

♪ IT'S THE TERROR OF KNOWINGWHAT THIS IS WORLD IS ABOUT ♪

♪ WATCHING SOMEGOOD FRIENDS SCREAM ♪

♪ LET ME OUT

♪ PRAY TOMORROWGETS ME HIGHER ♪

♪ PRESSURE ON PEOPLE,PEOPLE ON THE STREETS ♪

♪ DE DE DAY

♪ [SAXOPHONE SOLO]

[APPLAUSE]

COUPLE OF HOURS LATER,AFTER THAT MOSTEXCELLENT JAM SESSION,

BILLY BOB ORDERS INFRIED CHICKENAND CORN ON THE COB

AND MASHED POTATOESAND HALFWAY THROUGH SUPPER,

ROGER LOOKS ATBILLY BOB AND GOES,

"SURE DO LIKE ME THESEMASH POTATERS, UH-HUH."

[LAUGHTER]

HE SAYS IT JUST LIKETHE CHARACTER BILLY BOB PLAYED

IN THE MOVIE SLING BLADE.AND BILLY BOB STOPS CHEWING

AND GOES,"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?"AND ROGER GOES,

"I SURE DO LIKE METHESE MASH POTATERS,

- UH-HUH."- [LAUGHTER]

AND BILLY BOB GOES,"THAT IS JUST [BLEEP] RUDE.

"THAT CHARACTER'S BASED ONSOMEONE I GREW UP WITH.

"I'VE KNOWN PEOPLEMY WHOLE LIFE WITHSPEECH IMPEDIMENTS

"AND IT AIN'T FUNNYTO SIT AROUND THE SUPPER TABLE

MAKING FUN OF THEM."AND ROGER GOES,

"I'M SORRY, MAN.I JUST REALLY LIKE THE WAYYOU DID THAT CHARACTER.

THAT WAS A GREAT MOVIE, MAN."AND BILLY BOB GOES, "THANK YOU."

BUT YOU CAN TELLHE'S STILL MAD AS HELL.

AND THEN OUT OF NOWHERE,BILL GOES, "HEY, BILLY BOB,

WHAT'S FOR DESSERT?"AND BILLY BOB GOES,

"CHEESECAKE."AND IT SUDDENLY HITS ME,

THAT BY CHANGING THE SUBJECTSO ARTFULLY, BILL HAS JUST

MADE PEACE BETWEENBILLY BOB AND ROGER,

JUST LIKE IN THE ROSE GARDENWITH RABIN AND ARAFAT.

OF ONE OF MY PLAYS,DANNY BOUNCING.

A THEATER COMPANYIN THE MIDLANDS

IS MOVING THEIR PRODUCTIONTO LONDON'S WEST END.

SO I'M OVER THERE IN REHEARSALSAND I GET A CALL FROM MARY.

SHE TELLS ME BILL CALLED,HE'S IN LONDON TOO,

AND HE SAW AN AD FOR MY PLAYIN THE TIMES

AND HE WANTS ME TO CALL HIM.SO I CALL HIM.

HE'S IN TOWNFOR SOME SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT

AND TO VISITHIS FRIEND, CHRIS,WHO'S ALSO DOING

A PLAY IN LONDON AND HE ASKS MEWHEN MY OPENING NIGHT IS AND IF

I GET TICKETS FOR HIM AND CHRIS?AND SO I SAY, "OF COURSE."

AND SO ABOUT10 MINUTES BEFORE CURTAIN,BILL SHOWS UP WITH CHRIS

AND AN ENTOURAGE OFSECRET SERVICE AGENTS.

EXCEPT FOR AGENT POGUE,THEY'RE ALL NEW GUYS.

AND CHRIS IS NOT JUSTSOME GUY NAMED CHRIS,

HE'S, GET THIS,CHRISTOPHER WALKEN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND SO, NATURALLY,NO ONE IN THE AUDIENCE

- ACTUALLY WATCHES MY PLAY.- [LAUGHTER]

THEY'RE TOO BUSYWATCHING BILL AND CHRISTOPHER.

AFTERWARDS, CHRISTOPHER TELLS ME"YOU'RE PLAY WAS,

- I DON'T KNOW, FUNNY."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND BILL SAYS,"VERY FUNNY STUFF.

"AND I WONDER IFWE CAN PUT THAT ON THE POSTER,

YOU KNOW, 'VERY FUNNY STUFF,BILL CLINTON.'"

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BEFORE HE LEAVES,BILL ASKS ME WHAT I'M DOINGFOR THE NEXT COUPLE OF DAYS

AND I SAY, "I'M SUPPOSED TOHEAD BACK TO L.A." AND HE GOES,

"CHRIS AND I THOUGHTWE'D HOP ON OVER TO AMSTERDAM

"TO VISIT THE ANNE FRANK HOUSE.I'M SUPPOSED TO MAKE

"AN APPEARANCE THERE,BUT I KEEP PUTTING IT OFF.

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN US?"SO I GO, "SURE." I THINK,

I'VE NEVER BEEN TO THEANNE FRANK HOUSE.AND IF I'M GONNA SEE IT,

WHY NOT SEE IT WITHMY FRIENDS BILL AND CHRIS?

SO I CANCEL MY FLIGHT BACK.THE NEXT DAY A CAR PICKS ME UP.

AND IT DRIVES MERIGHT OUT ONTO THE TARMACTO A SMALL PRIVATE JET.

AND BILL AND CHRIS ARE THERE,AND IT TURNS OUT THAT IT'S

GEORGE HARRISON'S PLANEAND HE'S LOANED IT TO BILL.

WHEN I PUT MY DUFFEL BAGINTO ONE OF THEOVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS,

I DISCOVERED THEY ALL HAVEUKULELE'S IN THEM.

APPARENTLY, FOR SOME REASON,GEORGE HARRISON LOVED TO HAVE

- PLENTY OF UKULELE'S ON HAND.- [LAUGHTER]

AND BILL MAKES THIS10-MINUTE SPEECH

ABOUT THE COURAGE OF ANNE FRANK.AND THEY GIVE HIM THIS PLAQUE,

BILL AND CHRIS AND ISLIP OUT A DIFFERENT DOOR

AND GET INTO A DIFFERENT CARTHAN THE ONE WE CAME IN.

THIS ONE IS JUST A LITTLEUNMARKED FOREIGN JOBBY

AND AGENT POGUE IS DRIVING,THE PAPARAZZI ARE ALL WAITING

NEXT TO THE CAR WE CAME IN,BUT WE FOOLED THEM.

AND THE NEXT THING I KNOW,WE'RE PULLING UP OUTSIDE

A LITTLE BISTROCALLED THE BULL DOG.

SO WE GO INSIDE,ME, BILL AND CHRIS

AND WE ORDER COFFEE.JUST PLAIN COFFEE,

WHICH I DON'T EVEN DRINK,BUT THIS TIME I DO.

[LAUGHTER]

BY THIS POINT, YOU WOULD THINKPEOPLE WOULD BE LOOKING AT US.

NOT AT ME,BUT AT BILL AND CHRIS,AND YOU WOULD BE RIGHT.

HALF OF THEM ARE,BUT THE OTHER HALF AREN'T.

AND THAT'S BECAUSETHEY'RE TOTALLY BAKED.

[LAUGHTER]

SO WE SIT THERE AND DRINK COFFEEAND EAT EGG SALAD SANDWICHES.

AND AFTER A WHILE,BILL EXCUSES HIMSELF

AND GOES TO THE RESTROOM.AND THE SECOND HE'S GONE,

CHRIS PULLS OUT A LITTLEROLLED CIGARETTE, A JOINT,

I HAVE NO IDEAWHEN OR WHERE HE GOT IT.BUT HE LIGHTS IT

AND THEN HE TAKES A HIT,AND THEN HE HANDS IT TO ME

AND I TAKE A HIT,A NICE LONG HIT, AND I THINK,

"THIS STUFF DOESN'T TASTE LIKEANY POT I'VE EVER HAD BEFORE.

IT TASTES DIFFERENT, LIKE"...

AND THAT'S WHEN CHRIS GOES,"BLONDE LEBANESE HASH."

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

WE PASS IT BACK AND FORTHA COUPLE MORE TIMES

AND THEN CHRIS TURNS AROUNDAND HANDS IT TO A TABLEFULL OF GIRLS IN THEIR 20s.

AND JUST BEFORE BILL GETS BACK,CHRIS PUTS HIS FINGERS

TO HIS LIPS LIKE"THIS WILL BE OUR SECRET."I THINK, "WOW.

I HAVE A SECRETWITH CHRISTOPHER WALKEN."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BILL SITS BACK DOWN AND NOWI'M HOPING HE DOESN'T NOTICE

THE CLOUD OF HASH SMOKEHOVERING ABOVE OUR HEADS.

BILL CHECKS OUT THE TABLEFULL OF GIRLS SMOKING THE JOINT

THAT CHRIS JUST GAVE THEM,AND THEY ARE DEFINITELY

CHECKING US OUT IN RETURN.

BILL LOOKS AT THEM AND SMILES.AND I AM SO STONED.

AND SUDDENLY,BILL LOOKS KIND OF DEPRESSED.

HE TURNS TO MEAND CHRIS AND GOES,

"DO YOU GUYSTHINK I LOOK FAT?"

AND CHRIS AND I BOTH GO,"NO, NO WAY." AFTER THAT,

CHRIS AND I ORDER MOREEGG SALAD SANDWICHES

AND FRENCH FRIES WITH MAYO ANDTWO PIECES OF CHOCOLATE CAKE.

AND WE EAT EVERY LAST BITE OFEVERYTHING WITH MORE COFFEE.

AND THAT'S WHEN BILLSTARTS TALKING ABOUT MONICA.

[LAUGHTER AND OOH'S]

HE GRABS A HANDFULOF MY FRIES AND SAYS,

"I KNOW I COULD'VE DONE BETTER."AND CHRIS SAYS,

- "YOU COULD'VE HAD SHARON."- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I SAY, "SHARON WHO?"AND CHRIS GOES, "SHARON STONE."

AND I GO, "REALLY?"AND BILL SAYS, "YEAH,

"I COULD'VE,BUT I BLEW IT.

"SHE CAME TO THEWHITE HOUSE ONE NIGHT,

BUT HILLARY KEPTWATCHING ME LIKE A HAWK."

[LAUGHTER]

BILL LOOKS EVEN MORE DEPRESSEDAND SAYS,

"NO MAN WILL EVERBRING OUT OF THE PRESIDENCY,

THE REPUTATIONWHICH CARRIES HIM INTO IT."

AND THEN HE LOOKS ATME AND CHRIS AND GOES,

"DO YOU KNOW WHO SAID THAT?"AND I THINK,

- "YOU DID, JUST NOW."- [LAUGHTER]

BUT HE GOES,"THOMAS JEFFERSON."

THE NEXT DAY,WE FLY BACK TO LONDON

AND I GET DROPPED OFF FIRST.NOBODY SAYS A WORD ABOUT

THE BULL DOGOR THE BLONDE LEBANESE HASH.

JUST LIKE THAT,THE TRIP IS OVER.

IT'S LIKE THE WHOLE THINGNEVER HAPPENED.

IT'S LIKE MAYBEI JUST DREAMED IT.

BUT I STILL HAVEMY ADMISSION STUB TOTHE ANNE FRANK HOUSE.

AND THE BOX OF WOODEN MATCHESFROM THE BULL DOG,

AND THE UKULELE FROMGEORGE HARRISON'S PLANE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT SOMEHOW, ACCIDENTALLY,FELL INTO MY DUFFEL BAG.

SEPTEMBER 11th,THE WAR IN AFGHANISTAN

AND ALL THE PARANOIAABOUT HOMELAND SECURITY.

I DON'T KNOW IF BILL MADE ANYTRIPS OUT TO CALIFORNIA OR NOT,

BUT IF HE DID,I DIDN'T HEAR FROM HIM.

I DO A SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTIN CONNECTICUT.

AND THE DAY AFTER,I DRIVE OUT TO

BILL AND HILLARY'SPLACE IN CHAPPAQUA.

WHEN I GET THERE,A SECRET SERVICE AGENT

COMES OUT ANDWAVES ME TO A STOP.

I TELL HIM WHO I AM ANDGIVE HIM MY DRIVER'S LICENSE.

HE TELLS ME TO PARK MY CARAND GO INSIDE THE GUARDHOUSE.

SO I GRAB A NEW CAN OFTENNIS BALLS FROM THE TRUNK,

AND I GO INSIDE WHEREANOTHER SECRET SERVICE AGENTMAKES ME SIGN IN,

AND THEN I FOLLOW THEFLAGSTONE PATH UP TO THE HOUSE.

I KNOCK ON THE FRONT DOORAND HILLARY ANSWERS.

SHE SAYS, "HELLO, RICK."AND SMILES,

BUT SHE DOESN'T OFFER ME A HUG,NOT THAT I'M EXPECTING ONE,

AND I FOLLOW HER INSIDE.BUDDY IS WITH HER

AND HE STARTS WAGGING HIS TAILAND DANCING FROM FOOT TO FOOT.

AND WHILE HE'SSNIFFING MY CROTCHHILLARY GOES,

"WELL, SOMEONE'S HAPPYTO SEE YOU."

[LAUGHTER]

SHE SEES THE TENNIS BALLSAND GOES, "ARE THOSE FOR BUDDY?"

AND I GO, "UH-HUH."AND SHE GOES, "HOW SWEET.

"BILL'S RUNNINGAN ERRAND IN TOWN.

CAN I GET YOUSOMETHING TO DRINK?"

AND I SAY,"WATER WOULD BE GOOD."

HILLARY POURS MEA GLASS OF WATER AND SAYS,"I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

THERE'S SOMETHINGI'D LIKE TO DISCUSS WITH YOU."

AND THAT'S WHEN AGENT POGUESTEPS INTO THE ROOM

AND HANDS HER THIS FOLDER ANDSHE SAYS, "THANK YOU, DAVID."

AND HE SAYS,"ANYTHING ELSE, MA'AM?"AND SHE SAYS,

"THAT'LL BE ALL FOR NOW."AND THEN, I SWEAR, AS HE LEAVES

- HE SMIRKS AT ME.- [LAUGHTER]

AND THEN I NOTICEDTHE FOLDER IN FRONT OF HILLARY

HAS THE WORD"AMSTERDAM" WRITTEN ON IT.

[LAUGHTER AND OH'S]

SHE SLIDES THE FOLDEROVER TO MY SIDE OF THE TABLE

AND MOTIONS FOR ME TO OPEN IT.AND INSIDE THE FOLDER IS

A PACKET OF PHOTOGRAPHS OF ME,CHRISTOPHER WALKEN, AND BILL

- HANGING OUT IN A HASH BAR.- [LAUGHTER]

A COUPLE OF THEM SHOWED ME ANDCHRIS BLISSFULLY TOKING AWAY.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

IT SUDDENLY HITS METHAT IS MUST'VE BEEN POGUEWHO TOOK THE PHOTO'S.

HE TOTALLY SET ME UP.BUT BEFORE I CAN SAY ANYTHINGHILLARY SAYS, "RICK,

"AS I'M SURE YOU KNOW,PHOTOGRAPHS LIKE THESE

"COULD CAUSE MY HUSBANDAND OUR FAMILY

QUITE A BIT OF EMBARRASSMENT."NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY I GO,

"UM, OKAY,BUT JUST FOR THE RECORD,

CHRISTOPHER WALKENBROUGHT THAT STUFF."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SHE GOES, "THAT'S A LITTLEBESIDE THE POINT,

DON'T YOU THINK?"AND I CAN'T THINK OF

ANYTHING TO SAY TO THAT,SO I DON'T.

"THIS IS WHATWE'RE GOING TO DO,"SHE TELLS ME.

"YOU'RE GOING TO SPENDTHE AFTERNOON WITH BILL

"WHEN HE GETS BACK,WHICH SHOULD BE ANY MINUTE.

"AND THEN YOU'REGOING TO GO HOME.

AND AFTER TODAY,YOU AND BILL WILL PART WAYS."

BILL WALKS INTO THE ROOM ABOUTFIVE INTERMINABLE MINUTES LATER

DOING THATBITING HIS LOWER LIP THING,

SO I KNOW HE KNOWS WHATWE WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT.

THE BASICS OF FETCH.HE'S NOT VERY GOOD ATDROPPING THE BALL,

BUT AFTER A FEW THROWS,HE STARTS TO GET THE HANG OF IT.

BILL AND I TALK ABOUT THETHINGS WE'VE BEEN WORKING ON

AND ABOUT THE LATESTTEDDY ROOSEVELT BIOGRAPHY.

AND FOR A LITTLE WHILE,IT'S ALMOST LIKE THATFIRST DAY AT THE BEACH.

I'M PRETTY SURETHAT BILL CAN TELL

THAT MY FEELINGS ARE HURT.SO HE TELLS ME,

"BACK WHENI FIRST GOT ELECTED,

HILLARY AND I WERE DRIVINGTHROUGH SOME SUBURB OF CHICAGO,

HILLARY'S HOMETOWN,AND I GOT A HANKERINGFOR A SNICKER'S BAR.

SO OUR WHOLE MOTORCADEPULLS INTO THIS GAS STATION.

AND IT TURNS OUTHILLARY'S HIGH SCHOOL BOYFRIEND

OWNS THE PLACE.AND HE'S A NICE FELLOW.

BUT WHEN WEGET BACK IN THE CAR I SAY,

"'IMAGINE IF YOU'D MARRIED HIM.

YOU'D BE THE WIFEOF A GAS STATION OWNER.'"

AND HILLARY SAYS,"NO, I'D BE MARRIEDTO THE PRESIDENT."

[LAUGHTER, OH'S & APPLAUSE]

BILL LOOKS AT ME AND SAYS,"MY BOOK'S GONNA COME OUT,MY LIBRARY'S GONNA OPEN

"AND HILLARY'S GOT HERPOLITICAL FUTURE TO THINK ABOUT.

"DON'T TAKE THISPERSONALLY, RICK.

I CAN'T HANG OUT WITH CHRISOR BILLY BOB ANYMORE EITHER."

[LAUGHTER]

BUDDY LOOKS AT MEWITH HIS BIG, SAD BROWN EYESAND I KNOW THAT HE CAN TELL

THAT THIS IS THE LAST TIMEHE'LL BE SEEING ME.

DOGS KNOW THINGS.

NOW, IT DOESN'T MATTERIF SOME OF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

IF YOU'RESITTING THERE THINKING,THAT NEVER HAPPENED,

HE MADE THIS WHOLE THING UP,HE WAS NEVER FRIEND'S

WITH THE PRESIDENT.THE PRESIDENT WAS HIS

- "IMAGINARY" FRIEND.- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

IT DOESN'T MATTER.BECAUSE I KNOW SOME OF YOU

ARE OUT THERE WHO ARE THINKING,I SMOKED HASH WITH BILL CLINTON

IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM.WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONE DAY I'M WORKING AT MY DESKAND THE PHONE RINGS.

THE LADY ON THE OTHER ENDOF THE LINE SAYS,

"I HAVE THE PRESIDENT CALLINGFOR MR. CLEVELAND."

I GO, "THAT'S ME,"THINKING THAT IT'S BILL.

BUT THEN SUDDENLY,IT'S ANOTHER VOICE ON THE LINE.

IT'S SOUTHERN, BUT MORENASAL AND TWANGY, LIKE TEXAS.

AND THEN I REALIZEWHO IT IS. IT'S GEORGE.

AND HE GOES, "IS THIS RICK?"AND I GO, "YES, MR. PRESIDENT."

AND HE GOES, "BILL TELLS MEYOU'RE GOOD WITH DOGS."

[LAUGHTER]

AND I GO,"THAT DEPENDS ON THE BREED."

AND HE GOES, "WELL,WE'VE GOT A SCOTTISH TERRIER

AND HE KEEPS UR-IN-IF-I-CATING."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND I GO, "ON THE RUGIN THE OVAL OFFICE, THE ONE WITH

THE PRESIDENTIAL SEAL ON IT?"AND HE GOES, "THAT'S THE ONE.

WHAT CAN I DOTO GET HIM TO STOP?"

"SCOTTISH TERRIERSARE A HARD MOUTH BREED

"AND THEY'RE INBRED AND MEANAND NOT TOO SMART

"OR GOOD WITH KIDS ANDTHEY WERE BRED TO HUNT FOR RATS.

THEY CAN SMELL A RATA MILE AWAY."

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK ABOUT IT FOR ASECOND OR TWO AND THEN I SAY,

"WELL, MR. PRESIDENT,I WISH I COULD HELP YOU,

"BUT SCOTTISH TERRIERSAREN'T MY BREED.

SO I'M SORRY,BUT I GUESS YOU'RE JUST[BLEEP] OUT OF LUCK."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ONCE AGAIN, I CAN'T BELIEVETHAT I'M ON THE PHONE

TALKING TO THE PRESIDENTOF THE UNITED STATES

OR THAT I JUST TOLD HIMHE WAS [BLEEP] OUT OF LUCK.

BUT I DID.

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