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Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV

Bender becomes the new star of a soap opera, and a bad role model for children everywhere. (21:57)

Whoo!

( sputtering )

Oh, my.

Here we go, y'all.

Zoidberg. Zoidberg.

( sputtering ) Zoidberg.

Captioning sponsored by MTV NETWORKS

This is the story about all my friends.

ANNOUNCER: Previously on All My Circuits:

( organ plays )

I'm sorry, Father, butsomewhere along the way,

I forgot how to be your son.

Why, Antonio?

Because I have amnesia!

( kissing sounds )

Calculon!

But I thought you were...

Egyptian?

Before I kill you,

I must ask youone question:

Who am I?

For I have amnesia!

Let meget this straight.

Does anyone here not have amnesia?

( murmuring )

I don't know.

This show is awesome.

When I grow up, I'm goingto have so much amnesia.

Me, too.

I mean, I have it now,but I forgot.

Well, mine's louder.

Cram a ham in it,you twerps.

( yelps )( bottle breaks )

Sorry.

Nah, I had it coming.

( party music playing chattering )

CALCULON:Welcome, swingers.

Pull up a grooveand get fabulous.

Nude rock bands,

big piles of what I assumeis talcum powder...

It's quite a birthdayparty, Calculon.

Cool!

I'm going to have

a fabulaciousbirthday party

just like Calculon.

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm goingto show up looking good,

just like Monique.

Do you two have to imitateeverything you see on TV?

Um, we're 12... so yes.

Hold up, Cubert.

You're a cloneof the Professor.

Do cloneseven have birthdays?

Um, duh.

Duh what?

( growling )

Dad,do I have a birthday?

Hmm.

You didn't have a birth,so technically, no.

( groans )

Oh, don'tfeel bad.

We can celebratethe day

I extracted youfrom the cloning tank.

Or the day I scraped your DNAfrom that growth on my back.

Ooh, that one!

Ah, yes, it was13 years ago next week.

I used this very fork.

Oh, well, isn't that...

( yelps )

Hey, next week will bemy birthday, too.

That's true.

If only there were a way to have

one party for both of youhere at the office,

then write it offas a business expense.

Wait! I thought of a way.

The way I just said.

Yeah.Way to go, Pops.

BENDER:Something's happeningon television!

( panting )

Oh, Monique, why didwe wait so many years

to bathe in champagne?

( approaching scream )

( grunts )

Father!

I've discoveredthe shocking secret

mother has kept from youfor 200 years.

No! No!

Brace yourself, for whenI speak these words,

you may well suffer an attackof explosive amnesia.

For you see,the horrible secret is...

( electrical buzzing )

Whoever's directing thisis a master of suspense.

( buzzing continues )

( clonking )

He's busteds.

Let's get himsout of heres.

ANNOUNCER: We now join America's most popular show

already in progress:

Everybody Loves Hypno-Toad.

( sustained electrical buzzing )

This show's beengoing downhill

since season three.

Look who's here,everyone.

It's Zoidberg,the lovable tramp.

Since when are you performingat children's parties?

Performing? What?

Please, if someone

could spare memoney to buy shoes?

This party pukes.

Yeah, the guestswere supposed to be here

three hours ago.

Well, that doesn't meanthat no one is coming

or that you twoare total losers.

Who gave you that idea?

( doorbell chimes )

All right.

They must have allcome as a group.

Welcome, swingers.

Pull up a grooveand get fabulous.

( chuckles )

Uh?

( clomping )

Huh?

Good day, fellows.

Someone dumped this invitationin my begging cup.

Happy growth-scraping dayto all!

( dejected sighs )

Fire them on.

Hm-mm, hm-mm.

( panting )

Guys, guys!

Something's happeningon television again.

( grunting )

Ooh!

( theme music plays )

Welcome to Entertainment and Earth Invasion Tonite.

Across the galaxy

my people are completingthe mighty space fleet

that will exterminatethe human race.

But first, this newsfrom Tinseltown.

Following Antonio Calculon,Jr.'s breakdown on the set,

the popular TV show All My Circuits

will hold an open casting callfor child robots to replace him.

An open casting callfor child robots?

Tinny Tim,

are you thinkingwhat I'm thinking?

What's that, sir?

That I, Bender, am perfectfor the role.

You raised my hopes anddashed them quite expertly, sir.

Bravo!

( murmuring; electrical crackling, squeaking )

Bender, your swarthy Latin charmwill only get you so far.

There's a lot of famouschild acting units here.

Look! There'sMacaulay Cul-Con.

LEELA:He's just not cute

since he got puberty installed.

Psst! There's thatrobot child actor

who grew up and robbedthe convenience store.

LEELA:And there's thatrobot child actor

who grew up and becamea convenience store.

Lottery ticket,please.

( rattling )

We're readyfor the first audition.

Emotitron, Jr.

Hold on, precious.

Let's make you look nicefor the lady.

What's this?What did I tell you?

No... more...hanging... wires!

In this scene,

you've just found outyour real father

is Calculon's fourthevil identical septuplet,Sleazy Martinez.

Okay... take us there.

"Now that I know the truth,Father, I must ride south

and join the robo-bandidosat Veracruz..."

BENDER ( muffled ):Boo! Boo!This kid sucks!

We want Bender!

Boo!

Well, I thoughthe was good,

but the audience seemsto have turned on him.

But I don't think...

Next!

"...at Veracruz.

So, if you'll kindlyhand me my poncho..."

BENDER ( muffled ):Boo! Bring on Bender!

Boo!Bender's the greatest!

Sorry, kid.

You're flailing up there.

Ohhhh!

90 actorsand they all got booed.

I just wish we could getthis "Bender"

I keep hearing about.

They say he's the greatest.

Well, there isa robot namedBender here,

but he'smuch too old...

Send him in forthwith!

Boo! Not as good as Bender!

Boo!

Mr. Bender?

( startled gasp )

Have you ever beenon TV before?

Once, when I tookthose hostages.

I saw that.You were good.

Let's hear you audition.

Bandidos, eh?

Ah, this is great,

'cause I happen to havea flawless Spanish accent.

( clears throat )

"I will say a-dee-os, Pad-ray.

"Come, Jesus,my faithful chi-hew-a-hew-a.

"Tonight, we eat gyoo-a-ca-mole

by the el rio."

That was so terrible,I think you gave me cancer.

I don't carehow popular you are,

you will never workon my show!

However, you'vegot the job.

Welcome aboard,"son."

Fathero!

( clonking )

Bender, I'd like youto meet our director

whose nameI never learned.

Yo.

I read the script and I think

it would help my character'smotivation if he was on fire.

Uh, don't worryabout the script, baby.

We rewrote your part to bettersuit your acting abilities.

Oh, now my characterhas a British accent?

No, now your character'sin a coma.

Get in bed and don't move.

( grumbling )

And... action!

( muttering ):Stupid, dumb coma.

Could have been British.

Alas, that my only son

should sink into anirreversible, permanent

( whispers ):coma.

Permanent?

That's completely outof character for Antonio.

I'm getting up.

Curse the tragic wildebeestaccident that...

( rapping ):♪ Hey, everyone! ♪

♪ Antonio here, but youcan call me Bender ♪

♪ I got ants in my buttand I needs to strut ♪

♪ Come on, baby, do, ah, do ♪

( puffing )

♪ Dee, dah, doda, booba,dah, boo, come on ♪

♪ Do, dee,bee, bah, boo... ♪

I'm... not familiar withthe type of thing I'm seeing.

♪ Bite my shiny metal ass ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah, come on,baby, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, uh, come on, yeah... ♪

Cut!

That's the worst coma actingI've ever seen!

We'll have to shoot it again.

No. No, no, no,I don't do two takes.

But this guy was...

Amateurs like youdo two takes.

I do one take.Print it.

I'll be in mythree-story trailer.

♪ Bite my shiny metal ass ♪

♪ Ooh, yeah,come on, baby, yeah ♪

♪ Ooh, uh, come on, yeah... ♪

Now that's hospital dancing.

Pretty good, eh, Calcy?

Good?

I've seen better acting fromextras in Godzilla movies.

CALCULON:I don't even remember shootingthis scene.

We didn't.

That's security camerafootage from yourdressing room.

He stole the scene and my money?

That's it!

I demand you firethis felonious ham!

( alarm sounding )

The network execubotsare coming!

Oh, dear God!

Presenting the presidentof the network.

( computer beeping )

Greetings, gentlemen.

You already know my execubots.

Executive Alpha,programmed

to like things ithas seen before.

Hey, hey, hey.

Executive Beta,programmed to roll dice

to determine the fall schedule.

More reality shows.

And Executive Gamma

programmed to underestimatemiddle America.

It's funny, but is it going toget them off their tractors?

Now, who put this obnoxiousdancing robot on my network?

We were about to fire him, sir.

Silence, hack!

We've been monitoring ourNielsen families carefully,

and during the 12 secondsBender was onscreen,

viewer eyeball focus was up 90%.

( dog panting )

But, sir, childrenwatch this show.

Bender's no role model.

He's a filth monger.

At our network,we love filth.

Filthy rich, that is.

Being filthy rich, that is.

( laughing )

( electrical buzzing )

( all laughing )

"Bite my shiny metal ass"could be a catch-phrase.

80% likely.

It will play in Peoria.

Game shows are back.

We need this edgy, sweeps-readyrobot on our network.

Bender, can you continueto drink, smoke

and steal things on TV?

Yes, I can.

♪ We're gonna havea TV party tonight ♪

♪ All right ♪

♪ We're gonna havea TV party, all right! ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ We've got nothing betterto do ♪

♪ Than watch TVand have a couple of brews ♪

Gonna shoot things.

♪ All our friends are gonnahang out here tonight ♪

♪ All right! ♪

♪ We'll pass out on the couch,all right! ♪

( laughing )

Yo, check out whatI jacked from my dad.

A cigar?

Ripping.

( deep voice ):Look, I'm Bender.

( gags )

( retching )

( grunts )

Ras H. Tafari,what's going on here?!

The ruffians smoked

one of your cigars.

That's not a cigar!

Uh... and it's not mine.

Hey, Dad, bitemy shiny metal ass!

What?

Such an act would be mostuncomfortable for both of us.

Where did you learnsuch language?

From Bender,my good jerkwad.

Bender, eh?

That guy's reallystarting to twist my dreds.

Okay, okay, okay.

Get ready for this part.

Quiet, robot.

Bender's on TV.

Oh, Calculon,

it's so good to getaway from the city

and that beastly yetintriguing Bender.

( gasps )

( gulping )

Whoo!

And try this, kids at home.

Is televisionsensation Bender

a bad role modelfor Earth's children?

( gasps ):That's crazy.

A new protest group, FathersAgainst Rude Television,

says, "Hell, yes."

( scoffs ):What kind of bozos

would starta Bender protest group?

Good news, everyone.

Hermes and I have starteda Bender protest group.

That was uncanny.

Fathers AgainstRude Television

don't want our kids watchingBender's high-definition filth.

And for what?

Some kind of cheap laugh?

That's not what F.A.R.T.is all about.

No, sir.Not us FARTers.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!You can't censor me

just 'cause I'm anobscenely bad role model.

As unclean as it makes me feel,I agree with Bender.

Kids don't turn rottenjust from watching TV.

Yeah, give a little creditto our public schools.

( groans )

Our dads are all pumped upon dorkosterone.

We're just trying tobe cool, like Bender.

Yeah, and it'snot even working.

Smoking and drinkingmake us barf.

Gentle jerkwads, I know how toemulate Bender without barfing.

We could commit a burglary.

Hey, yeah!

Bender loves to burgle.

Hold up, though.Who could we rob?

We don't even know anyonewith cool stuff.

Duh! We know someone who runs onpure cool fuel-- Bender.

Whoa!

We'll rob Bender.

( laughing )

TV gave us the idea.

BENDER: You're watching Futurama--

the show that does not advocate the cool crime of robbery.

Okay, it's crime time.

( beeping and buzzing )

( gulping )

Hey, Bender.

Hey, Bender.

Hey, Bender.

( Dwight grunting )

( phone ringing )

Hey, Bender.

♪ Bust it ♪

( upbeat music playing )

( lively party chatter and laughter )

( music, laughter and chatter continuing )

( laughter )

( retching )

♪ Okay, smarty, go to a party ♪

♪ Girls are scantily cladand showin' body ♪

♪ A chick walks by... ♪

( gasps )

( record scratching )

What's going on in here?

Oh, now I'm really outraged.

Where did yourequisitionthis party?

And Zoidberg, what areyou doing here?

I'm networking.

Let me give you my card.

Relax, Dad, we just inviteda few friends over.

Hmm...

There's something wrongwith your story,

but I can't put my finger on it.

( gasping ):Of course, you don't havefriends.

Yeah, why do thesepopular kids

consider you coolall of a sudden?

Um, we're just cool is all.

Balderdash!

I'll be the judge of who's cool,using the Coolometer.

( beeping )

( beeping stops )

( beeping resumes )

( beeping rapidly )

Oh, yeah.

Good Lord, I'm getting a readingof over 40 megafonzies.

Everybody out!

( kids groaning, grumbling )

So, do you guys know aboutanything else going on?

Because I'm totallystill ready to party.

There's enough cool stuff hereto furnish a happening pad.

Where did it all come from?

Don't tell, comrades.

All for oneand one for all!

( crying ):We stole it.

Oh, crumb.

( yawning )

What?

What's going on?

I'll tell you what.

Our boys have taken upstealing--

one of the worstand coolest of crimes.

And all from watchingyou on TV, you cool jerk.

Hey, lay off me.

TV would stink

if everyone on it wasa positive role model.

Bender is aboutentertainment, baby.

You can'thold me responsible

for what kids do when...

Hey, this is my stuffthey stole!

That's the last straw!

Bender should not beallowed on television!

( angry shouting )

BENDER:Bender must be stopped.

I've gone too far.

Who does that guy think I am?

( shouting agreement )

Come on, we're going to marchall the way to Hollywood

and make them stop forcing theirfilthy me down our throats.

( shouting continues )

( chanting ):Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

( all chanting ):Down with Bender!

Down with Bender!

Down with Bender!

Down with Bender!

This mob's with me.

Go ahead.

Down with Bender!Down with Bender!

Down with Bender!Down with Bender!

Down with...

...Bender!

Down with Bender!

As a doctor and captainof this hospital ship,

I now pronounce youman and wife

with six months to live.

Listen up,Hollywood.

We're an exciting new mob.

( all agreeing )

HERMES:You'd better believe it.

Great Shatner's ghost!

We demand that all TVbe equipped with a B-chip

that blocks Benderfrom appearing on the screen.

( all agreeing )

I'm afraid the answer is agritty, in-your-face no.

Then I quit.

Then you don't quit.

I think you'll be finishingthe scene now, Mr. Bender,

and don't skimp on the nasty.

There'll be nofurther nasty.

We still have the optionof resorting to violence.

What makes you thinkthat will work?

I saw it on TV in that episodewhere Bender shot Calculon.

How cool was that.

♪ Ooh, yeah, come on... ♪

( sputtering )

Quit the show.

Do the scene.

I'm a cold-blooded punk.

I once put a laugh track on asitcom that had no jokes in it.

Hey, look, the prop guyhas a lamp.

Whuh...?Really?

Aha!

I was using that.

Listen up, 'cause I've gota climatic speech.

You, cameraman,keep the camera rolling.

You, director,give me my motivation.

You're angry.

Perfect.

Viewers of the world,

do smoking and drinking on TVreally make me cool?

Of course they do.

How about committingcrimes and violence?

Again, the answer is yes.

But do we really wantour kids exposed

to that kind of trash on TV?

I say absolutely not.

Ooh!

( clearing throat )

Uh... on the other hand,most... perhaps all the blame

rests with the parents.

That's right, you.

( all gasping )

And so I ask youthis one question:

Have you ever tried simplyturning off the TV,

sitting down with your childrenand hitting them?

We're just so busy.

Well, make time.

And... cut.

Good enough.

Splice in somereaction shots of me

and shove iton the air.

Have you ever triedsimply turning off the TV,

sitting down with your childrenand hitting them?

Well, I'd say we alllearned a valuable lesson

about TV there.

What was it?

Uh, that we should all take TVa little less seriously.

And more importantly,turn it off once in a while.

Hear! Hear!Darn right.

So, should we turn it off now?

Well, uh... that dependswhat's on.

( control beeping )

Nothing good.

Eh, let's justkeep watching.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBHaccess.wgbh.org

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