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Into the Wild Green Yonder Pt. 1

Fry and Bender become adversaries in a high-stakes poker tournament in New Mars Vegas. (21:28)

(mysterious music plays)

(zapping)

(electronic pulsing)

(burbling)

(cool jazz rhythmplaying on cymbal)

(camera clicks)

(lounge music versionof theme song playing)

♪ ♪

♪ You and I will be reborn ♪

♪ In a future place and time ♪

♪ If everything ourHindu brethren say is true ♪

♪ In an age of thingsthat hover ♪

♪ You and I willstill be lovers ♪

♪ And we'll say to ourselves ♪

♪ That was thenand this is, too ♪

♪ Doo-doo-be-doo, doo-doo ♪

♪ 'Cause we'll still findthe happening hot spots ♪

♪ We'll still cruisethe cool casinos ♪

♪ You'll stillfly me to the moon ♪

♪ Although the moon ♪

♪ To which you fly mecould be Phobos or Demos ♪

♪ The psychic wormsfrom Rigel Nine ♪

♪ Who controleverything we do ♪

♪ Will make us thinkthat was then ♪

♪ And 3010 is exactlythe same as 1962 ♪

♪ Don't expect any changes,my friend ♪

♪ That was thenand this is, too. ♪

(glass shattering)

BENDER:Wow. Mars Vegas.

Long live the eternal city.

Two, one, zero!

(onlookers cheering)

Rest in hell,Crapville!

Out here in the desert,

we're gonna buildbigger, better Vegas!

Bathtubssize of oceans!

Hookers size of bouncers!

(blubbers):Hamburger!

STATION ANNOUNCER:Stand clear of the closing jaws.

(imitates warning chime):Boop-boop.

So what's gonna beover there, Dad?

LEO:That? That the oasis.

Future site ofOasis Hotel.

(Leo laughs)

Take that,you stupid Mother Nature.

(car door closes)

Okay, let's hit him hard!

(feedback squeals)

♪ This land is your land ♪

♪ This land is my land ♪

Who are younoisy women?

I'm Frieda Waterfall,

leader of the GreeñoritaEcofeminist Collective!

And we will not let you man-dozethis beautiful gyno-desert!

Well, I'm Leo Wong,and I say boom!

(women screaming)

(laughter)

(women grunting,bodies thudding)

(gasps)

(electricity crackles)

What happenedto my femi-necklace?

And where's my mega-fem?

(screams):Oh!

Is he badly hurt,Dr. Zoidberg?

I... I don't quite knowhow to say this.

Fry is dead!

(sobbing)

(all gasping, sobbing)

Ow.(groans)

Wait, not dead,the other thing.

Damn eco-broads.

You can't even spray for eagleswithout upsetting these kooks.

(birds chirping)

(screams, grunts)

Now, hang on.

Before you do construction,don't you have to make sure

you're not harmingany native species?

Already done!

By top scientist.

Uh, wha...?Oh, my, yes!

You've got thego-ahead, Mr. Wong.

This place is deaderthan last year's cat.

No, it's not!

There's precious life

right herein this scum puddle.

Ah!

The desert muck leech.

Amazingly,the entire species

lives in thisone tiny stink hole!

Killing thesewill be so much easier

than exterminatingthose ponies.

Clippety-clop,clippety-clop.

(imitates gunfire)

(imitates neighing)

Leeches may not be cuddly,like pandas or tribbles,

but these poor endangeredcreatures deserve...

Ow! Get off me!

I'll get it with my trustyfoot cups-- Stompy and Smashy!

(grunting)

No, don't kill it!

We have to preserve the...

(screaming)

There, they notendangered anymore.

They extinct.

No, they're not!

I saved this one,and I'm going to raise it

and care for it so the worldwill forever know...

(screaming):You freaking slime wad!

No!

I killed it.

It was the lastof its kind, and I...

Ow!

(bleep) (bleep)(bleep) (bleep)

Let go of me, you...

Poor thing.

Ow!

(groans weakly)

Tell you what, Fry.

You all promise not to sue me,I give you token

for free entryin poker tournament.

He took it!You all saw it!

Maybe we did,maybe we didn't.

What's in it for me-- Bender?

Okay, okay.

Come back when New Vegas opens,I give you all free rooms,

free dinner and free ticketsto Celine Dion.

Lose the Celine Dion tickets,and you got yourself a deal.

All right, damn it.

Done!

(cheering)

All right, I scored!

(slot machines clinking)

Look out, Vegas.I've got a system!

(laughing)

Oh.

I'm bankrupt.

(chuckles)

You said it, Hermes.

He is pathetic,but lovable.

Yeah... What?

I said no such thing, mon.

I am notacting weird, Leela.

Why is everyonetalking at once?

Fry, calm downand stop braining.

Yeah, Fry,maybe you need...

You're right, Amy, maybeI do need some fresh air.

Man, I'm worried about him.

But not enough to stop gamblingfor even a single second!

You win, damn it!

(horns honking)

(various, overlappingconversations)

Voices always yelling.

Who-who said that?!

I am not insane!

Stop it!Stop talking in me!

(panicked gasping)

Voices botheringyou, man?

You need one ofthese doo-dangs.

(overlapping conversationsresume)A foil hat?!

Of course he likes pastrami!

What aboutthe dog's testicles?!

(conversations stop)

Hey, it worked.

The voices stopped.

They got a huge selectionof carburetors!

Hang on, hang on.

Ah. That's better.

My name's Hutch.

Hi, Hutch.

So what's with the obnoxiousshrieking voices?

Are my fillingspicking up The View?

No, man.

Truth is, it's otherpeople's thoughts.

You're a mind-reader!

Oh, my God.Oh, my God!

Although, actually,it was sort of obvious.

If you don't believe me,take off the helmet.

I believe you.

Seriously, do it.

(sighs)

HUTCH: Testing, testing.

Do you read me?

FRY: Loud and clear.

What?

I said "loud and clear."

Only I said it with my thinker,not my talker.

Whoa, freaky.

Why can't I readyour thoughts?

I don't know.

Wait, what's thatabout a secret society?

Uh, never mind that.

Just keep the foil on,and you'll be okay.

Also, it'll keep the Dark Onesfrom incinerating your brain.

That's a plus.

And don't ever,ever, ever

tell anyone youcan read minds,

or the Dark Ones willget you like that.

Hang on,pizza grease.

Like that!(wails)

(electronica music playing)

♪ ♪

I'd like to getmy clamps on those,

give her a jump,you know what I mean?!

(cackling)

Whoa, whoa.

Show somedecorum there, Clamps.

This ain't no strip show.

This is a beguiling displayof the pornographic arts.

Yo, Skip, I couldsee a guy's butt.

Oh, Michael,

this is the perfect endto a perfect honeymoon.

I love you so much.

(gasps)(gasps)This seat taken?

Actually, we...

Ooh, slide methose chicken wings.

So what part of Podunkyou rubes from?

The Northeastern...

(belches loudly)

(sultry jazz playing)

(cheering, applause)

ANNOUNCER (over P.A.): Monsieurs et mademoiselles,

our circus of the sensesnow arrives by steamboat

in New Orleans, circa 2873.

The muted lament of a tromboneresonates through the fog,

which lingers even now,

months after the attackof the Fog Monster.

With but one hope of restoringGearoticus to his throne,

our sensual faterests on the gyrations of...

Fanny.

Oh...

(stammering)

(gasps)

(crickets chirping)

(humming jauntily)

Yes?

I'm Bender.Let's do it.

(cocks gun)Who is it, the feds?

(gasps)

Aren't you the Donbot,head of the Robot Mafia?

Allegedly.

And this ismy beloved wife Fanny,

whose honor I would proudlydefend with a power drill.

Welp, I gotta godrown a stoolie.

(sensual moaning)

I'm gonna bein here a while,

so, uh, do me a favorand drive my wife home, huh?

It's one of themself-driving cars,

so just sit in the backand do whatever.

(sensual moaning)

Oh, Bender, your lipsare intoxicating.

It's like kissing anashtray full of hot wings.

(moaning, bodies clunk)

BENDER (warbling through fan):Aw, yeah.

(various, indistinctconversations)

My God,I really can read minds.

I have a superpower!

There must be something greatI can do with this.

(gasps)

Hello, ladies.

I can read your thoughts.

(blows thudding,Fry grunting)

Oh, wait,that's invisibility.

(gasps)

FRY: Poker?

With my mind-reading abilities, and my invisibility--

wait, no, just the mind-reading-- I can't lose!

Sign me up forthe tournament, please.

Okey-doke, Jiffy Pop.

Entry fee's$50,000 smackers.

$50,000...?!

Drat.

All I haveis my life savings

and a token for free admissionto this poker tournament.

Close enough.

(mellow jazz playing underlow, indistinct conversations)

You're having an affair with thehead of the Robot Mafia's wife?!

BENDER:Yep. This is herI'm making out with.

(moaning)

Oh, yeah.

Bender, areyou crazy?!

No, it's Fry who's crazyin this one.

I'm not crazy!

You're sureyou're okay, Fry?

You do havetinfoil on your head.

So? You've got aleech on your neck.

Oh, and speaking ofsucking on your neck,

want go to amovie later?

ELZAR:Hey there!

How you folks doin'tonight?

Great!What're the specials?

We've got a wonderfulgrizzly bear

that's been dipped in cornmealand lightly tormented.

Questions?

What was the bear's name?

Jojo.

Ooh! I'll have him!

(startled gasping)

Hide me!

Hey Donbot,ain't that your wife

what with you hadthat weddin' with?

Donbot, honey!

What a pleasant shock!

I was just havingdinner alone,

when suddenly youwalk in on us!

Alone, huh?

Don't hurt me!

Where am I?

I was exploring a wormholethrough space,

many light-yearsfrom this restaurant,

when, suddenly, I wassurrounded by darkness.

Hot sexy darkness.

(purrs sensually)

Wha-- why hello,Donbot.

Hello, miss.

Have we met?

I'm Bender.

The world's mostsexual robot.

I mean, uh,

the world's mostboundary-respecting robot.

Nice to see you, Bender.

Welcome backto our universe.

Listen, sugar,

I stuck up the BurlingtonCoat factory

and got youa little something.

It's a $49 value.

(squealing):Oh!

Donbot, I love you!

(whispering):Not really.

Man, this is great!

I always wanted to naila dame in a fur coat.

Now's my chance!

Heh! Ha!

I mean,

if you'll introduceme to one, sir.

One as sexy asyou, baby.

Yow! Bender out.

(humming happily)

I never feltso alive, Bender.

Listen,

this turquoise-encrusted brais worth 50 grand.

Let's sell it and run offbefore the Donbot gets wise.

(sighing):No.

It'll take a lotmore money than that

to make a girllike you happy.

No, it won't.Yeah, it will.Shut up.

We'll run offafter I win...

the universal pokerchampionship!

(gasps)

One entry, please!

Bender, no!

You're not lucky enough!

Oh, no?

I'm 40% lucky!

The scrap metalI'm made from

included a truckloadof horseshoes

from the luckiestracehorses in Mexico,

who had just been sentto a glue factory.

They don't soundso lucky to me.

Not without their shoes.

(bubbling, hissing)

(crowd oohs and aahs)

That's great.Amazing.

(Bender hums happily)

Here, Bendy,take this.

It'll give you70% more luck.

It's the Donbot'slucky robot's foot.

All right!

With two kinds of luck,I can't lose!

No, wait, three!

I stepped ona leprechaun!

(tires screeching)

Yo, you see thisover here over there?

I'm powering upthe clamps!

Whoa, whoa, whoa--

let us not rushto judgment.

But Skip, that was yourlucky robot's foot

what came off ofyour lucky leg!

While it is truethat I did wake up

with only one footthis morning,

there is no proof that mybeloved Fanny was involved,

aside from the hacksaw I foundunder her pillow.

Well, what aboutthat Bender guy?

You want I shouldgive him the clamps?!

Not yet, Clamps.

You're gonna sit tight

and see if he winsthe poker tournament.

He does, that proveshe's packin' my lucky foot.

In which event...

The clamps!

Or a clamp-like device.

(lively theme song playing)

PENN JILLETTE: Welcome, viewers who fell asleep with the TV on.

It's the 3009 No-Limit Hold 'Em Championship!

(cheering and applause)

I'm the massive headof Penn Jillette,

and here withthe color commentary--

my partner Teller!

Our act really didn'tchange much when he died.

Pardon me.I'm new to this game.

Is this duffel bag big enoughfor all your money?

(laughing)Bender?!

Oh, boogers, we're inthe same tournament.

Quick, get your entry fee backbefore I bankrupt you.

(splutters)

In your dreams, nutloaf.

Bite my shiny metal hat.

PENN:Tex Connecticut,the pride of Kansas City,

first to act.

Smiley Smith up next.

Looks like Boobs Vanderbilthas a decent pair.

Also, she's got two eights.

Oh, and Bender Rodriguezpicks up a lucky deal

right off the bat!

BENDER: Whoo! Two aces!

I'm thinkin' guitar solo.

(mimicking guitar solo)

I fold.

PENN:Holy crap!

A stunning play by mentallyill newcomer Philip Fry!

It's almost as if he knewBender had two aces!

Bender has two aces?!I'm out.

I'm out.I'm out.I'm out.

(laughs)

Suck my luck!

You see this gun?

That's what I'm gonna doto Bender if he wins.

(fast-tempo funk riffplaying)

(cooing)

All in.

Call my mighty betat your peril!

My cards are awful and I need a hug!

I call your bluff.

(growling)

I shall annihilate...

(sobbing)

I just wanted to makemy daddy proud.

Well, you didn't.

I want you and your junkmoved out by Monday!

PENN:It's gettingpretty intense, folks.

Based on the stateof decompositionof Teller's head,

we're now in hour 19of the tournament.

Ooh,

and the first bad dealof the night for Bender.

Hey, pal,help me out here.

This is the worstpossible hand, right?

I'm all in.

All in.I mean, fold.

Eh, whatever.

PENN:Well, Bender's luckjust ran out.

No card can save himfrom elimination.

(groans)

Oh, my gourds,he's dead!

(groans)

21, winner!

Whoo!

I'm so full of luck,

it's shootin' outlike luck diarrhea!

PENN:Wake up, poker fans!

We're downto our final two players

in heads-up actionfor the championship!

Your perspective, Teller?

All in.

(all gasp)

But-But you didn't evenlook at your cards.

Looking at one's cardsis a crutch

for players who rely on skill.

(gulps)

Any day now, Fry.

You in or out?

Um... uh...

What's the matter, Fry?You scared?

Or just... crazy?

(laughs)All right.

All in.

Yes!

Four aces!

Ah-ah-ah.

Read 'em and weep.

And then tell mewhat they are.

Two kings.

And with three on the board,

that give Bender five kings.

(audience gasps)

But... how is that...

I don't believe it!

Bender has just been dealtthe king of beers--

a coaster from the bar thatsomehow got mixed into the deck!

But it still counts!

(cheering and applause)

LEO:Bender win the championship!

(munching)

That's some good money.

(belching)

You did it, Bender!

You're the greatest!

Tell me something Idon't know, sweet-ass.

Now let's boogie.

We'll be in Space Tahiti

before the Donbotknows what hit him.

Now I am suspicious.

(Bender grunting)

Okay, we finished diggingthis shallow grave.

Can we go now?

(gunfire)

(tires squealing)

(imitates warning chime):Boom-boom.

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