(theme music playing)
ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for Everybody Loves Hypnotoad.
(droning mechanical sputtering)
Even in a depression,
the entertainmentindustry thrives.
You okay, Leela?
Yeah, I'm justa little down
'cause the only man I'll everlove left me at the altar.
Plus I livein a Dumpster.
You stay outof my Dumpster.
TV ANNOUNCER:We interrupt
this episodeof Everybody Loves Hypnotoad
to bring you a special addressfrom Earth President Nixon.
Please, Hypnotoad,don't make me kill myself!
My fellow Earthicans,
I'm about to close a deal
that will allow us to buy Earthback from the scammers.
That'll teach those scammersand me.
Just when things looked darkest,
I received an e-mailfrom the Andromeda Galaxy.
It seems we've won
their quadrillion-dollarfamily sweepstakes.
(all cheering weakly)
So assuming all goes...
What's that, Agnew?A telegram?
There... seems to have been,uh, some ki--
we've been scammed again,people.
Prepare to evacuate Earth--I mean, New Scamedonia.
♪ Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
♪ We took your stuff... ♪
LEELA:All aboard for Neptune.
Thanks for the planet,suckers.
(chattering):It's so cold my processoris running at peak efficiency.
What are you,a whining machine?
If you want to worryabout something,
worry aboutthe yetis.
Don't mess with me,you ice-crapping snow-honkies.
I just got dumped.
Sweet yeti ofthe Serengeti,
she's gone Crazy Eddiein the head-y.
Is that normal?No.
Perhaps if we were to cookand eat her slightly...
Leave her alone.
She just needs meto cheer her up.
Want to sword fight, girl?
Hmm, that male narwhal seemsto be upsetting her.
Get us out of here, Captain.
Full fast ahead.
We forgot he's basedon Neptune.
(sadly):Ho, ho, ho.
I'm too depressedfor murder and mayhem.
The scammers cheated meout of my naughty list
to use for telemarketing.
They've gone too far.
It's time to fight back.
Now, let's not resortto violence, Leela.
We're fighting backand you're helping us,
you fat holiday idiot.
You're on the naughty list.
So that's our proposal napkin,Mr. President.
We have just enoughpeople and ships
to mount a ragtag attack.
You wish, missy.
Dog-danged scammers usedour money to build a fleet
of remote-controlled,solid gold Death Stars.
I'd take one of thosewith a side of chili fries.
We're hopelessly outgunned.
The force is with us,but that's about it.
Ah... but we have access
to a huge manufacturing complex.
SANTA:♪ I brought the elvesback from vacation ♪
♪ Chained them upand called my holiday friends ♪
♪ KwanzaBot ♪♪ And theChanukah Zombie ♪
♪ Three mad wise men bearingmurder and frankincense ♪
♪ Damn you,doo-doo-doo-doo ♪Shut up.
♪ Now fetch those bunniesby the armful ♪
ELVES:♪ Says who? ♪
♪ Says me ♪
♪ Napalm makes themslightly more harmful ♪
♪ No one heregoes near that door ♪
♪ This toy shop's going to war ♪
♪ Talmud says"Be slow to anger" ♪
♪ Low-down scammersgot me seeing red ♪
♪ Got my TIE fighterout of the hangar ♪
♪ Jump back, Jack, 'cause I'mJewish and I'm undead ♪
♪ Ten-hut! Doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ Dreidl, dreidl, I made itout of blasting clay ♪
♪ You're nuts ♪
♪ And when it's dry and ready,for mercy they will pray ♪
♪ I can't waiteight nights or more ♪
♪ This zombie's going to war ♪
♪ Check, check it out ♪
♪ KwanzaBotin the Neptizzle Hizzle ♪
♪ With my inhuman beat box,busy building missiles ♪
♪ They're guided by thesecute dancing fairy figures ♪
♪ Careful, little elf,that's proximity-triggered ♪
♪ I'm fighting back for Kwanzaa,so the children won't miss it ♪
♪ I'm confusedabout its meaning ♪
♪ But I know itwhen they dis it ♪
♪ So, Santa ♪♪ Yeah, K? ♪
♪ C.Z.? ♪♪ Say hey ♪
♪ Let's slay them pimps ♪
♪ C'mon, pimp my sleigh ♪
♪ Easy with that toy artillery ♪
♪ Torgo's Powder's deadlybut unstable ♪
♪ Can they sue for liability? ♪
♪ Use as much as you are able ♪
♪ This bites, doo-doo-doo-doo ♪
♪ You signed away your rightswhen you were hired ♪
Now...BOTH: ♪ Let's fight ♪
♪ Chestnuts roasting,I'm gonna open fire ♪
♪ Prepare for gore galore ♪
♪ This Trinity's going to war! ♪
LEELA:Troops, you are now equippedwith the finest weapons
magical elves can build.
As for the battle plan...
And now, to present the battleplan, Commander Zap Brannigan!
At ease, people.
Kif, crouch down
and shield my thighsfrom the cold, for God's sake.
We fight this battle,not for ourselves
but for our childrenand our children's children.
Which is why I'm forminga Children's Brigade.
Will the following youthsplease step forward.
My boy.Oh, God, no!
You took his name?Oh, God, no!
In several ways!
(heroic theme plays)
Assuming the 15th pile ofchildren buys us a few seconds,
we will then executemaneuver 45.
Admiral, will we stop attackingat any point
or is this one of thosephony-baloney feel-good wars
like the War on Drugs?
What's your name,smart mouth?
Ah, the lovely Leela'son-again-off-again paramour.
Perhaps a suicide mission
would knock theinsubordination out of you.
(sotto voce):Yes, yes, yes.
We're approachingEarth, sir.
Oh, planet Earth.
The big blue velour marble.
All commanders stand by.
Prepare to transferbattle control
to the main DOOPercomputeron my mark!
(ominous heroic theme plays)
ZAP: Ten, nine, eigh...
Oh, does anybody mindif I take command?
No, Miss Turanga.No, I do not.
All right.Unit One, acquire target A
Yes-- nailedthe children's ship.
LEELA: Unit 10, target H!
Cheatin' son of a...
GORE:Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa, whoa, whoa...
LEELA: It's hopeless!
I can't coordinatethis many ships!
HERMES:Perhaps I can help!
Professor, can you wire my headdirectly into the battle grid?
I can wire anythingdirectly into anything.
I'm the Professor!
Then prepare to seea bureaucrat's brain in action.
(theme music plays)
(Hermes grunting to the beat)
Finally, I get to save the Earthwith deadly lasers
instead of deadly slide shows.
(yelling and screaming continue)
(rapid gunfire and explosions)
(engines whooshing loudly)
(tinkling music box tune plays)
(all cheering)Ha, I did it!
I saved Earthand won back my woman.
Oh, Hermes!Mmm! (kisses)
You haven't seen the lastof Barbados Slim!
Now good-bye forever.
Nice attack, doodoo heads.
Too bad we have one last trickup our sleeve.
I doubt that.
My Doomsday Device!
PROFESSOR: So it was the scammers!
They sawed off my handand stole the Doomsday Device.
It wasn't them.
It was me, Bender!
The master criminal!
So what'll it be?
Or total destruction?
You have 30 seconds.
Make up your minds.
People, I'm sorry.
You've never beforeheard me say those words,
or even the individual lettersthat make them up...
but I am.
And with a huge amountof modesty,
I humbly beg your forgiveness.
Uh-oh. I havea worrisome
shriveling sensationin my sprunjer.
how the Hulk did you end upwith the Doomsday Device?
I was working the long conall along....
BENDER: While sawing off the Professor's hand
with an extremely dull saw, I had some time to think.
So, I asked myself, "Who could use a Doomsday Device more--
the Scammers or me, Bender?"
After several minutes of sawing,
I knew the answer.
(sawing speeds up)
So I retrieved the dummy satchel...
And as soon as I was out of the scammers' control,
I pulled the old switcheroo.
And that's how I saved Earthand am the greatest.
There,your body's good as new.
Just pop in an executivesuppository every few...
What is it?
It's supposed to bea celebration, Leela.
I was going to be married!
I was so happy.
Maybe you'll meetsomeone else someday.
No, you don't understand.
Lars is the only manI'll ever love.
I know it in my heart.
You rememberwhen we first met?
It was right therein the cryogenic lab
eight years ago today.
Meet me therein five minutes.
Why are you so sad, Leelu?
(thumping on glass)
Wait a second,ar-are you two...?
Atanarjat, Fufu,come here!
We have to set Leelu free.
She needswhat'll make her happy,
not what'll make me happy.
I don't know muchabout frozen heads,
but, of course, if it'sMahatma Gandhi, I'll...
Fry, was this an idiotic trick
to get Lars and meback together?
But you don't needto be an idiot
to see that you twobelong together.
And, Leela, I wantwhat'll make you happy,
not what'll make me happy.
I'm sorry,I really am,
but Leela and Ijust can't be married.
You obviously love each other.
What are you, cousins?
Fry, you deserveto know the truth,
How did you survivethe doom blast?
My doom-proof platinum vestabsorbed most of the radiation.
In retrospect, I wish I'd beenwearing doom-proof pants,
but you knowus nudists.
Now give methe time code!
I don't have it!
Nibbler heat-blasted itoff my butt.
He doesn't have it.
He never had it.
Fry had it!
But Nibbler heat-blastedit off my butt!
I want to stressthat part.
My throbbing sprunjersays otherwise.
Now where is it?!
I'm not afraid of youor your expensive gun.
Go ahead and shoot.
Then what if I killthe woman you love?
Don't you understand,numb-neck?
He doesn't love me!
I've always loved you.
Don't hurt her.
I'll give you the code.
BENDER-2 (ticking):Four... three... two...
(nuts and bolts clattering)
(grunts and groans)
It's enoughjust to know you're happy.
It's enough to knowyou're happy with Lars.
Fry, old buddy!
It's me, Bender!
Wait for me, Leela!
I'll be therein a thousand years.
So I got a jobat the Head Museum
and waited for the wonderful daywhen Leela would arrive.
Everything was perfect--
until Hermes explodedat our wedding.
That's when I learned that,as a time paradox duplicate,
I, too, was doomed.
I couldn't put Leelathrough that.
So I called it off.
I'm sorry, Leela.
That concludes anotherSilly Willy video will.
He was a good man, Leela.
Yeah... you were.
Well, I guess thatwraps everything up
in a niceparadox-free bow.
Not quite,my wrinkly brother.
In order for any of thisto make any sense at all,
someone must makeone final trip back in time
to put the code on Fry's assin the first place.
Hmm. Sounds like a jobfor me, Bender.
(spouting time code)
You put the time code on my ass?
Eh, someone's ass.
Oh, and guess what?
I met all these really cool guyswith treasure
down in the limestone cavern
so, I invited themto stick around
instead of coming up when theywere logically supposed to.
Everyone out of the universe,
Eh, what's the worstthat can happen?
(sustained screaming, imploding)
Well, we're boned.