I have a fear of cats.
It's the worst fear to havebecause no one respects it.
If you tell anyonethat owns a cat
that you're afraid of cats,they all have the same reaction.
They all wantto give you the cat.
Want to put the caton top of you.
"Oh, not my cat.
"My cat's different.He's like a dog.
Pet him, pet him, pet him."
That's not howyou treat a phobia, right?
If you come over to my house,
you tell meyou're claustrophobic,
I won't try to shove youin a closet.
"Oh, not my closet.My closet's different.
"It's like a field.Get in, get in.
Is it like a field in there?"
(imitates door closing)
Just don't trust cats.
Can't read their emotionslike you can dogs.
Like, if you goto someone else's house
and they have a dog,you know right away
if they like you or not.They be like,
if they don't like you,they tell you, like,
"Hey, (bleep) you,get out of here!"
You're like, "Thank you, dog,I'll be outside."
If they like you,they're a great host.
You go to someone else's house,they have a dog,
they're the first oneto greet you, you know?
Like, "Hey, how's it going?I'm a dog.
"It's all right,come on, come on, come on.
"You can pet me, I'm a dog.
Let's sit on the couch,sit on the couch."
He just starts runningin and out of the room.
He's so excited.He's not bringing anything back.
He's just,"Oh, my God, we got visitors!"
He's like, "Yeah! Oh!
"He's still here!
"I'll be right back!
There's a guy here!"
But if you go to someone else'shouse and they have a cat,
the cat doesn't greet you.
You walk in the house,the cat just lurks around
in the background for a while.(chuckles)
"Who's this guy?
I'm going to my room."
My dad's very protective.
He'll do anythingfor his kids, right?
But it ends upbackfiring on him,
'cause we actmore irresponsibly,
because we know he's thereto save us, right?
So, recently, my little sister,she's the baby, you know,
so she was driving her carin Massachusetts,
a state over from wheremy parents live in Rhode Island.
Her car starts breaking down,
and her first instinct isto just call my dad and go,
"Dad, my car's breaking down,it's in Massachusetts.
"I got to go to work.
Can you go get it?"
And he just goes, "Okay,"
just does it,does anything for us,
goes all the wayto Massachusetts,
takes a cab to a busto another bus to another cab,
he gets there,the door's locked.
She forgot to leavethe door open, right?
He calls her at work,she has to get pinged at work.
It's embarrassing.He has a temper.
It's like... (ping)
"Monica, your dad'son line one."
He's like, "What are you doing?
"You locked the car,I can't get in the car!
Why did you lock the car?"
She's like,"I didn't lock the car."
He's like, "You locked the car!I can't get in!"
He hangs up the phone, thenhe calls his tow truck buddy,
'cause he just hasweird friends everywhere.
Because he's a dad, right?
The guy comes, unlocks the door,and the door opens.
of pot smoke
billows out of the car.
He's Muslim.He doesn't even drink.
He looks down.
There's a bong layingon the driver's seat.
A bong-- it's like, what areyou, a cartoon character?
Like, who's smoking a bongand driving?
Like, how high are youtrying to get, right?
It's like, get a joint,be responsible,
have a hand free.
So my dad calls my momand is like,
"She's a pothead! I knew it!she's a pothead!"
My mom calls my sister,it's like (ping)
"Monica, your mom'son line one."
She's like, "What are you doing?Dad's going crazy."
"I don't know what you'retalking about."
She hangs up the phone.
My dad tows the car
all the wayback to Rhode Island.
He looks at the car,and he realizes
that's not her car.
Just towed some stranger's car.
Towed some pothead's car.
And it wasn't evenon the side of the road.
It was in their driveway.