How are you guysdoing tonight-- good?
Yeah, well, this is my energy--let's get used to it.
And we're good-- here we go.
A little about me--I have A.D.D.
And I don't know if anyof you guys have it,
but if you don't, get it.
It's the best.
My doctor prescribedme Adderall.
He's like, "You can'tdrink on Adderall."
I was like, "No,you totally can.
It makes it better."
I'm like, "You should knowthat-- you're a doctor.
Why are you lying?"
I love Adderall because not onlydoes it help you concentrate,
but it's alsoan appetite suppressant.
So most of the time, I'm like,
"I could eat dinner right now
"or I could read ten booksabout birds,
let's read ten booksabout birds."
Guys, I know so muchabout birds.
Did you guys know a bird
is the only animal you can throw
and you're helping it?
You throw a dog,you're an asshole.
You throw a bird,
you're gonna hearthe word "majestic."
As it flies away.
I don't understand peoplewho get super muscular.
Like, super muscular, ripped andjacked in their muscle areas,
and they're notprofessional athletes.
Like, my little brother's supermuscular, ripped and jacked,
and he says things like,"Image is everything."
I'm like, "Yeah, look at you.
You're, like, a really strongrestaurant manager."
Now, go get us some bread--we'll be waiting."
I'm much smarter than him;I was a very smart kid.
How I know I was smart--I quit karate as a child
so I wouldn't havea ponytail as an adult.
I was very smart.
I live in Los Angeles;I hate every single person
that lives in my neighborhood.
There's this guyI hate the most.
One morning I was outside,smoking a cigarette,
'cause I'm super productive,
and he came upto me and was like,
"Hey, could I have a cigarette?"
And I said, "Sure," and then hesat there and smoked it with me.
I was like, "Oh, you weresupposed to leave.
"Like, I don't want to know you.
You're the worst."
Then he asked me dumb questions.
He was like, "What do you dofor a living?"
I was like, "I'm a comedian--what do you do?"
And he was like,"It's complicated."
"Go on, let's hear it."
He was like, "I'm an artist.
"What I do is go into a fieldand record a sound.
"Then I mash it upwith other sounds I record
to create a sound collage."
And I was, like,"You can say unemployed.
"You don't have to go intodetail about how unemployed.
Not a contest."
I was at a bar one time.I sent a drink over to a girl.
She sent it right back.
I didn't know that was allowed.
I went over to tell herit wasn't allowed,
and how that came out was,
"What the (bleep) isyour problem?"
And she was like, "No offenseto you-- I don't drink
because my dad's an alcoholic."
Which was sad and awkward.
What made it more awkward wasanother guy walked over
and was like, "I overheard whatshe said and I completely agree.
'Cause I don't do heroin becausemy dad was a heroin addict."
And there was two thingswrong with that.
Because one, I didn't sendheroin over to that guy.
I mean, mind your own businesswhen I'm talking to a lady.
And then two,you don't need a backstory
for reasonswhy you don't do heroin.
I live with my girlfriend.
I'm not mature enoughto live with a girl.
Every nightwhen she goes to sleep,
I draw a dick on her face.
I'm like,"I've only lived with guys.
How does this work?"
I usually date the same typeof girls over and over.
I usually datelittle mousy girls with bangs
who wear cardiganseven in the summer.
They say things like, "I wishour bodies were made of blankets
so we could just layon one another."
I'm like, "Me, too--that sounds dumb.
Let's do it."
Then one time I datedthis girl who was, like,
a real sexual dynamo,
and we triedall these different things.
And I found outa lot about myself.
Like I found outthat I am way too silly
for most sex things.
Because this one timethis girl was like,
"I want you to throw mearound the bedroom."
And I was like, "How aboutyou just run and I trip you?"
It sounds so much safer...
She was really goodat dirty talk.
I'm not good at dirty talk.
I'm too bashful for dirty talk.
I'm just a little boy,I don't need to hear that filth.
This one time, she was like,
"You feel so good inside of me."
And I was like, "Weird...(laughs)
"You're making me feel weird.
"I'm gonna go puton another shirt.
"And when I get back, we'regonna have a 20-minute talk
about boundaries,so stay tight."
It was me and two dudesand, uh...
we were like,"Whatever, you only live once...
It was me, a guy and a girl.
What happened wasI was at a party.
I was walking up the stairs.
This guy I sort of know, like anacquaintance, came up to me,
and he was like, "There'sa girl in the other room.
And she wants usto double team her."
So I was like, "Okay,let's do that, teammate."
So we go into the room...
and then, as soon as he gotinto the room,
he just started having sexwith her doggy style,
like immediately-- he went intothe room and then into her.
And... and I was just watching.
Like, "Go, team, uh...
It looks like we're winning."
So as he's doing it,he whispers to me, he was like,
"(bleep) her mouth."
I was like,"You don't need to whisper.
"She's right there,like, she hears you.
"It's a small room.
I don't thinkwe're gonna trick her."
Plus I had just got there.
Like, I was going up the stairs
to do, like, arts and craftsor something.
And now I'm herein the opposite situation.
I had to getwarmed up first, guys.
It was... you can'tjust throw a guy into war.
So what I did wasI started making out with her.
Now, I don't know if anyof you fellas out there
have ever made outwith a girl...
who's getting (bleep)doggy style.
No? No one, no one?
No one? No? No? No?
No? No? No?
What you have to do isyou yourself have to get
into the doggy style positionto do it.
And you're kissing, you're like,
"Meow, meow, meow..."
I don't know how you guys kiss.
I just meow a lot...it was just weird...
'cause it's doggy style.
And then the entire time,you're like, checking over
your shoulder to make sure noone else walks into the room,
sees you and it's like,"Free butt!"
And you're like, "No, no, no."
It's, like,the most not-free butt.
This butt is under construction.
A lot of people thinkI'm gay, when they meet me.
And, I mean, I probablywill be one day.
But for right now,
it's about thisreally confusing journey, right?
I always get very upsetwhen people say that
gay people shouldn't get marriedbecause it's not in the Bible.
I don't like that;I don't like that at all.
You guys seems fine with it.
And, uh...what's up with that?
Bible's really old.
Saying let's update that.
Let's just add another book.
Just 15 pages of dudes (beep).
At the endJesus comes up and goes,
"I'm totally cool with that.
You guys good?You need anything else?"
I'm originally from New Jersey.
Which is the most Americanpart of Italy.
Our state bird is a meatball.
Our state motto is:Bon Jovi's pretty good.
Everybody in New Jerseyloves Bon Jovi.
They love him, for some reason.
Here's how much they love him.
The other nightI was asleep in my bed,
2:00 a.m., Los Angeles time.
I get a call from my mom,5:00 a .m., Bon Jovi time.
My mom worksat an emergency room, overnight.
She called me up,woke me up, panicked.
She was, like,you'll never guess
who's in the emergency roomright now.
I'm half asleepand now I have to guess.
So, I'm, like, Dad?
And my mom said, "Better."
Let's stayon the topic of music.
My favorite thingabout music right now:
interviews with Dave Matthews.
Now I don't know how you guysfeel about his music,
but trust me,his interviews are way better.
"Por ejemplo,"a couple years back,
Rolling Stone askedDave Matthews this question:
Dave, you releasedthree albums in one year.
That's a lot of albums.How'd you do it?
Dave responded with,"I'm gonna be honest with you.
Two of those albumswould not have happened
if four peoplewho were close to me didn't die.
When I read that,all I could think is:
Goddamn God's accuracy.
Killing four peopleclose to Dave Matthews
and missing Dave Matthews.
He was right there.
My other favorite thingabout music is Kesha.
I love Kesha.
Woo, woo, woo, Kesha.
For those of youwho don't know who Kesha is,
she's the new Beatles,and... she's incredible.
I went to see Kesha live
and it was the best nightof my entire life.
First off, her audienceis so diverse.
There was, like, meand then 9,000 teenage girls.
I'm, like, whoa, we're allthe same, I think, I don't know.
They were all the same.They were all 15
and trying to be sluttybut had no idea
how to do it.
They were going up to guysand, like,
"You could put itwherever you want.
Whatever that means."
It's, like, you're not gonnalike what that means.
It means "da butt," and...
Then Kesha came out.
And it was life-changing.It was perfect.
I found out she had more thanthree songs. That was good.
In the middle of her sixth song,which is about
how her vagina's a goldTrans-Am...
in the middle of the song,after she says the chorus...
she goes, "Stop!"
And all the musicians stopped.
And me and allthe teenage girls stopped.
'Cause our queenwas about to speak.
And she was, like,
"I just realized something."
And we're, like,what did Kesha...
just realizein the middle of her song about
how her (bleep)is a gold Trans-Am?
She's good at multitasking.
And she was, like,
"I just realizedthere's not enough glitter
on these titties."
And then a guywith a bucket came out.
And poured so much glitteron those titties
he saved the concert.
So, I Googled it to see ifthat was, like, the one show
where Kesha didn't remember
to put enough glittieson those titties.
No, it happened at all 83 shows.
That was a guy's job.
That's definitely a jobyou get on Craigslist.
Where it's, like,"must have own bucket."
He's, like, I got a bucket.
What are we doingwith my bucket?