Must CC: The Half Hour 2016

Comics take the stage in New Orleans to perform their first half-hour specials. (20:41)

(audience cheering)

ANNOUNCER: Here are the comedians

for The Half Hour Season Five.

The last thingthat grinds my gears is,

is going to the pharmacy.

Had to pick upa prescription the other day.

That's why I think prescriptiondrugs should be illegal.

That way they would beeasier to get.



I go to the pharmacist,it takes him 45 minutes

to hand me a bottlewe can literally both see...


...right behind uson the shelf.

It's ridiculous.

But on the other hand,

drug dealers let yougo to their house.

I don't use illegal drugs.

I just like seeingthe great customer service

drug dealers provide.

He's like, "Would you likeany heroin or cocaine?"

I'm like,"Do you have any decongestant?"

He's like,"The closest I have is meth."

I'm like, "Cool, I'll takethe meth to my lab.

I'll reformulate itback into decongestant."

It will still be quickerthan Walgreens.


My brain is like a radio DJ,

who does not take requests.

It'll be like,"Coming up next,

"we got a full hour

"of just the first verseof 'Mambo No. 5...'


"...followedby an imaginary argument

"with someone you love.

"The greatest hits

"of your mistakesfrom the '90s,

"2000s and today.

"After that we gotanother full hour

of just the first verseof 'Mambo No. 5.'"


And, like,

I know how it works, too.

But I'll still try, you know?

I'll call up, I'll be like,

"Hey, long-time listener.

"Uh, yeah.

"I was just wonderingif you could play


"for, like, an hour?

"There's this article aboutSyria I've been trying to read

"for a month, and you won'tlet me get through it.

"So if you couldjust play silence

"for an hour


to me."

"We don't have that one!

"But we do havea hundred pressing questions

"about your ex's new girlfriend.

"Let's goto her Facebook page.


"After that, we've got

"a full hour of 'I Wantto Dance with Somebody'

by Whitney Houston."


"Oh, I actually,

"I actuallyreally like that song.

"Um... quick question.

Could we get the lyrics?"

"We don't have the lyrics!

"It's gonna be justthe melody again,

and I think you know that."


Have a son.

His name is Hassan.

Tell you something,'cause I told y'all earlier

I'm honest about my kids.


Hassan gonna bea serial killer.


I'm just...

just throwing it out there,so y'all would know.

'Cause let me,let me tell you

how I know Hassangonna be a serial killer.

Hassan is four years old.

And Hassan whispers.



What four-year-oldyou know whisper?

And then, he don't wake you uplike a normal child.

'Cause normal kids cometo the front of the bed,

wake you up face-to-face.


rub your feet.

You know how spooky it isto be woken up by a child,

whispering, rubbing your feet?




"You thirsty?"


I said,"Did I look dehydrated

in my sleep or something?"

He said, "Nah, Daddy,you want some juice?"

I said,"I don't want no damn juice."

He say,"There's some pre-poured juice

in the kitchen."

I said, "Pre-poured juice?

What the hellis pre-poured juice?"

Most mothers knowwhat pre-poured juice is.

This is juice

that he poured for himself

that his mothertold him he cannot have.

So it's justin the kitchen pre-poured.

So, since I didn't haveto do nothing,

I went to go get that juice.

But I should've knownit was a setup.

'Cause when I walkedinto the hallway,

he gonna lean in the hallway--


"When you get that juice,

bring it in here."

So, we're in his room,drinking juice,

minding our own business.

His mama bust in the room.


"Why the hell are you lettinghim drink that juice?"

I said, "I don't know."

She walk out mad at me.

I went right to my son,I say,

"Hey, man!

You got me in trouble."

My son went to my ego.

"How you gonna get in trouble?

You Daddy."


Got me all riled up.

I said,"You goddamn right I'm Daddy!"

A little bit about me.

I'm a huge fanof Edgar Allan Poe's

"That's So Raven."


I think that Facebooksounds like something

a serial killer would make.

So does Lady Foot Locker.


Or Chick-fil-A.



I don't wantto make you sad,

but did you see in the newsthat the world's oldest man

just passed awayat 111 years old?

Luckily,he was quickly replaced

with the world's oldest man.

Who knowswhat's gonna happen next?


I used to workin offices a lot.

And the last job I hadI got through a temp agency.

They called me on a Friday

and said they hadan assignment for me

starting the following Monday.

And it had been a whilesince I worked in an office,

so I thought I should probablydo something over the weekend

to prepare to getback into all the typing

and filing and phone answeringand whatnot.

So what I did isI had a friend of mine

go with me downto the local swimming pool

and I had him tie me upin a burlap sack

and sink me to the bottomof the pool.

And then, right whenI was about to suffocate,

he yanked me upand gave me a lunch break.

And then...(audience cheering)

No... (chuckles)

Whenever I travel,I get to do a lot of shows,

which is cool.

I do a lot of showsin front of hipster people,

which kind of sucks, you know?

Just 'cause hipstersare so cool,

they never laugh at anything.

They just kind of stand there.


But I've learned over time

that when hipsters thinksomething's funny,

they don't laugh out loud.

But they willchange their posture.

They're like,

"Oh, that's funny.

I like that joke."

And if you ever get a hipsterto flip their hair,

that's like when you get a blackperson to laugh so hard,

that they get up and run aroundand then sit back down.


I have a fear of cats.

It's the worst fear to have,'cause no one respects it.

If you tell anyonethat owns a cat

that you're afraid of cats,

they all havethe same reaction.

They all wantto give you the cat.

Want to put the caton top of you.

"Oh, not my cat.My cat's different.

"He's like a dog.Pet him,

pet him, pet him!"

That's not how you treata phobia, all right?

If you come over to my house,

you tell meyou're claustrophobic,

I won't try to shove youin a closet.

"Oh, not my closet.My closet's different.

"It's like a field.Get in, get in.

Isn't it like a fieldin there?"

(sputters, chuckles)

Just don't trust cats.

Can't read their emotionslike you can dogs.

Like, if you goto someone else's house

and they have a dog,you know right away

if they like you or not.They'll be like--

If they don't like you,they tell you, like,

"Hey, (bleep) you!Get out of here!"

You're like, "Thank you, dog.I'll be outside."

If they like you,they're a great host.

You go to someone else's house,they have a dog,

he's the first oneto greet you, you know?

Like, "Hey, how's it going?I'm a dog, it's all right.

"Come on, come on, come on.You can pet me, I'm a dog.

Let's sit on the couch,sit on the couch."

He just starts runningin and out of the room.

He's so excited.

He's not bringinganything back.

He's just, "Oh, my God,we got visitors!"

He's like, "Yeah!Uh, he's still here!

"I'll be right back.

There's a guy here!"

But if you goto someone else's house,

and they have a cat,the cat doesn't greet you.

You walk in the house,the cat just lurks around

in the background for a while.

Just like...



"Who's this guy?

I'm going to my room."


Like, the only feelingI would compare

waking up from a nap to

is like if you stopto check your reflection

in a parked car on the street,

and then you suddenly realize

there's someonesitting in the car.

It's like no!

Why is this happening?

Is my family okay?

What is hair?

Like, none of the questionsmake sense at that point.


How-how do you evenget out of that?

Are you just like,

"I was never here.

"This was all a dream.

"No, you're weird.

"You were sitting in your carparked on a street.

"I was just making sure

I still had a face."

I love playing crapsand I will readily admit

the craps tableis infinitely more entertaining

when there is at least oneblack man at the craps table.

'Cause the shit they saywhen they shoot dice

is so much more creative.

Like, let's saythe point's nine.

All right?

White guy'll get the dice,be like, "All right.

"Looking for a nine.

"Give me a five, four,six, three,

five, four, six, three,give me a nine here!"

Some lame shit like that.

Black dude'll get the dice,be like, "All right,

"point's nine--that's Nina.

"Nina, Nina from Pasadena.

"(bleep) her onceand still ain't seen her.

Where you at, bitch? Nina!"

I quit smoking cigarettes--that was, that was easy.

Quitting smoking cigarettesis so much easier

than quitting smoking weed.

'Cause with cigarettesthere's no romance, you know?

There's no reminiscing about all the good times

you had

on cigarettes.

No one's ever like,"You remember, buddy?

We each threw in on a carton."

"You remember? You know?

"Yeah, we just droveto the lake.

You don't rememberthis story?"

That story sucks.That's not a story.

Nothing happened.

You got a pretty low thresholdfor what a story is.

A story is, uh,something like

remember that time we eachtook three bong hits,

then went to 7-Eleven

and then forgotwhat money was?


That's a story.

I had to ask the cashier,

"How do I make your Slurpee...

(voice breaks):my Slurpee?"


I'm out of ideas, man.

I just want that Slurpee!

So bad!

Do I just take it?

Is that illegal?

I'm confused!



I am high, um...

I've always found it strangethat the penis,

after doing anything it does,

doesn't retract into the body.


Like, fully just go away.

'Cause it's kind of like

you're weak now.

Go home.

(light applause)

For me, the penis, it's like astrange puppet in a puppet show.

It comes out, does its bit.

It's great.

But after its bit is over,

it doesn't go backbehind the puppet theater.

But instead just...

Just dies over the front

of the puppet stage.


And stays there,


and scaring the children.

Staring with one dead eye.

While the show continues.

And it's kind of like,

"Should we still beable to see him?"

I was a bitof a late bloomer sexually.

I didn't lose my virginityuntil college...

was paid off, so...


It took kind of a while.

It's cool now, though,it's cool now.

I'm getting it.

Getting it.

Me and my girlfriendactually just started

experimenting in the bedroom.

Yeah, doing some role-play.

We started off withthe classic, uh, you know,

cheerleader scenario.

You know that one?

She comes in the bedroomin, like,

a nice cheerleader's outfit.

And then a football player beatsme up and has sex with her.

It's, uh...



I finish every time. (laughs)

When you're a no-name comedian,

to get bookedto do college shows,

you have to do these thingscalled NACA conventions.

They're these giant,weekend-long conferences

where you go and you showcasefor student bookers

from, like, hundreds of schools.

But because college kidsare so progressive,

a lot of the other actsare people who talk

about how they've overcomepersecution for their ethnicity,

for their sexual orientation,

uh, for disabilities,uh, and then me.

And here's the thing about me.

My appearance evokesmany feelings.

Sympathy is not one of them.

You know what I mean?

No one wants to hearabout the plight

of a guywith resting rich face.

It's just not very...

not very compelling.

There's no onein the audience like,

"I want to hear moreabout his kampf--"

Or whateverit's called, and, uh...

Well-read crowd, all right.

The thing is-is for me,

the contrast makes itvery challenging.

'Cause I'll besitting backstage,

and I'll hear the performer

in front of me come out,and she's like,

"Hey, what's up, y'all?

"Let me tell youwhat it's like being

a sassy, transgender Muslim."


And the crowd just explodes.

Like, "Yeah, you'remy spirit mammal, right?"

And then she justcrushes for 15 minutes

talking aboutovercoming adversity

and early onsetParkin-zhiemers and then...

I'm next.

And I walk on stage,and even though

they've never seen me before,

I'm how they alreadypictured the bad guy

from her stories, right,the crowd not on my side.

Sea of contempt,just the death glare

from a thousandgender studies majors,

who are just like,"All right, okay.

"So, what's your struggle, huh?

Talk about your hardships."

It's like, "Uh...

people incorrectly assumeI'm good at lacrosse?"

Like, I don't...

You know what I mean?

That's why I'm not edgyas a comedian.

I feel like I'm justtoo privileged looking

to have an opinion,you know what I mean?

Like I can't walk on stageand be like, "Black people..."

It's like,"Whoa there, boat shoes.

No, no, no, no, no."


You don't get to have a boldstance on race

and the keys to your parent'slake house.

That's not, that's nothow this life works.

You know what I noticea couple of days ago?

There's a lot of songson the radio

about, like, catching somebodywho cheated on you,

but you don't hear any songsabout, like,

thinking that you caughtsomebody,

and then confronting them,

and you're wrong,and they didn't.

And now you have to, like,listen to her explanation

of where she was,and it makes sense, you know?

You hear that Whitney Houstonsong, she's like,

"Friday night, you and your boyswent out to eat,

"but only two of you had dinner.

I found your credit cardreceipt."

What if the guy from that songis like,

"That's 'cause we split the billthree ways,

-"and then Tommy...-(audience laughing)

"gave me cash.

"I used my credit cardfor the two of us.

"Okay, you psychopath?

"I thought you weregoing to stop

digging through my garbage."

I started my day recentlywith a train ride.

I was on the train,and I was telling myself,

"Today is going to bea good day, Cy.

"Today is going to bea good day.


Good day."

Got off the train,

hadn't actually beenpart of the day

for more than 30 total seconds,

when a man I have never metin my entire life

walked by and went, "Look atyou, you big white bitch."

Just kept going.

I'm not saying he was wrong.

Just maybe give mea full minute in my day

before you start shoutinghurtfully accurate shit

from four feet away.

That's a hard wayto start your morning,

with someone just revealing

an out loud truth about youin public.

"Look at you,

"you tall, white,gangly (bleep)

"who cried at an episode

"of Grey's Anatomyfrom season five,

even though you didn't seeseason one through four!"

That's why, it's like,I'm not a nar...

"Narcissist" implies that, like,

I don't value other people,but that's not what it is.

I just think my thoughts aremore interesting than theirs.

(crowd laughs)

Which is not true,I'm not right,

that's justmy own relative truth.

But when you believe that, it'sdifficult to meet new people,

to bring new peopleinto your life.

And I notice thiswhen I try and date.

Like, I'll go on a date,come home.

My roommate's like,"Hey, how did the date go?"

I'm like, "I don't know, fine."

And he's like,"You gonna see her again?"

I'm like, "No, probably not."

He's like,"Well, what happened?"

"You were gone, like, all night.

"You didn't like her?You didn't have fun?

It wasn't fun?"It's like...

"Yeah, no, it was fun,

"but it was funbecause I was there.

"Like, that's why...

That's why it was good."

You ever have that,where you're like,

"Hey, this is cool,

"but it's 'causeI'm crushing it right now.

"That's why this is functioningas a dialogue.

"If I left, this whole thingwould fall apart.

"This isn't... I don't...

"I don't need you here for this.

"I don't need to drop 90 bucks

to have someone sit with mewhile I'm right."

You know, I'm finally...I'm not single,

and all my friendswho are still single,

who are still, like,on the front lines,

you know what I'm saying,trying to do it,

they come to me now,wanting advice.

You know? It's like,"How'd you do it?

"How'd you get engaged?

"How'd you get him to propose?

"How did you know?How did you get him?

How did you...How did you... What?"

You know? They trippin'.

And I'm like, "Honey,

"by the time I met Jewboo,

"I was broke down. Okay?

"I am not cut out for dating,I'm telling you.

"I go on one good date,I'm gonna go home

"and Photoshopour faces together

"to see whatour kids'll look like.

"Like, I am, yes, honey.

I'm like, latch on quick, likean emotional tick, you know?"

I do. I get inreal deep, real fast.

So it's like,after ten years of dating,

I was broke down.

I was done, you know?

Time I got with Jewboo, honey,

I was, like, an emotionalRosa Parks, y'all.

I was. I was like,

I'm gonna sit down right here.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, it sucks.

(crowd applauding, cheering)Yes. Yes.

Thank you all so much.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

(crowd cheering)

Thank you.

Appreciate you coming out.

Thank you.

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