I sneak in... close the door. Here's the worst: we had hardwood floors. Yeah, those floors suck for cheating because they taunt you, right? They're so old. Every step you take, it's like 'Cheeeaaaterrr! Liiiiaaaarrr! She loved youuu'. 'Shut the f**k up floor. I will buy you a rug. Please shut up'. 'You're a loserrr'. 'I know...'. Now, what do you do? You gotta sneak right into the shower. That's the first thing. You get into that shower. You start washing off your junk like you're going to put them up for auction on eBay. Right? You do the triangle scrub. 1-2-top. 1-2-top. Pantene Pro-V? Splat. 1-2-top. 1-2-top. Now you come out. There they are, they're waiting in bed for you. Sound asleep. The goal is you have to get in to that bed without making any movements, without waking them whatsoever. You lift that sheet up; you don't even want to touch that bed. You try to vampire yourself into it. You try to float gently like a piece of paper. But of course they wake up. They're gonna wake up on that night. Any other night you could run in, dive bomb, fart. Nothing. But on this night, they wake up violently. So she wakes up and she looks right at me. And at this point they call you the most amazing nickname that you don't want to hear at that point. She looks at me and she's like 'Hi Perfect'.
The stand-up storytelling web series from CC:Studios will return in television form.
Check out the list of comedians who taped specials in Boston in March.
Unlimited streams and downloads of the best Comedy Central specials for just $5.
Stream hours of the best clips from our huge stand-up library on your iPhone or iPad for free.