Need to blow off some steam at the end of a long workweek but don’t know how? Treat yourself to a night out with a little help from Jordan and Keegan — two dudes who have thought through anything and everything that could go wrong while you’re painting the town red. Ignore their advice, and risk a fate worse than death: a lame evening.
IGNORE THE DJ
When the music comes on, cut loose, period. Don’t pay attention to what the DJ is telling you. It’s a known fact that DJs have one mission in life: to make a fool of you on the dance floor. Don’t let them win.
DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF
Remember: This is your night. Nothing should stop you from having the best time ever — not even a debilitating spinal injury.
KICK IT OLD SCHOOL
The DJ won’t always play your favorite songs, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make a special request. If you want to hear an old-school track, make sure the DJ doesn’t try to skimp on the “old” part by playing something too new, like those whippersnappers the Sugarhill Gang.
HAVE YOUR FRIEND’S BACK
With all that adrenaline pumping, things can get out of hand at the club — and you may not be within arm’s reach to stop it. Be prepared to put the kibosh on any altercations by tapping into your telekinetic powers to hold your buddy back, even if he tells you not to.
GIVE IN TO THE PARTY
If you find yourself at a party that shows no signs of ending, just go with it. With any luck, it won’t be a hellish, perpetual cycle of dancing and booze. And if it is, it’s not like there’s anything you can do about it anyway.