For sale: A beautiful 20-acre estate belonging to a tasteful and enormously successful entertainer. This gorgeous manor features a sterling marble foyer, complete with three people always sitting at a table in the background to give the impression that your wealth has not emotionally walled you off from humanity.
Plus, if you’re a vegan, you’ll take satisfaction in destroying a $2 million chandelier decorated with the chicken bones of expensive dinners past. Also, feel free to burn the owner’s coat, which is made from white panda and bald eagle.
Aspiring paleontologist or supervillain? The state-of-the-art kitchen is stocked with the last surviving T. rex eggs, which are perfect for groundbreaking research, genetic modification or breakfast.
But the real raison d’être for the house is the built-in sweatshop in the basement, full of women toiling away 16 hours a day to build shoes and clothes for you. If you’re the type of tycoon who constantly complains about having to outsource your human rights violations to other countries, now you’ll never have to again.
No matter how you slice it, this is the perfect house for the wealthy, soulless celebrity. Unfortunately, if you’re the type of person who has to read a real estate listing to learn about an opportunity like this, it’s almost certainly worth more than you and your family’s lives. Sorry.