Hey, you there! Deflate those beach balls and pour that pina colada down the drain: Summer’s over, and school has begun. Time for another semester filled with homework, awkward pre-class banter and the rat race of academic competition. Instead of drowning in all that stress, follow these tips to classroom bliss (A.K.A., a tolerable day-to-day slog).
BE TRUE TO YOURSELF
In case you’ve forgotten that high school is a hellish minefield of bullies, Strangers with Candy is here to remind you. Despite her social handicaps as a 46-year-old ex-junkie/prostitute, returning student Jerri Blank is determined to fit in — even if that means whipping up a fresh batch of illicit drugs.
DON’T PISS OFF THE R.A.
As Blake and Adam discover on their first day of college, getting acclimated to dorm life can be an education in itself. Where else could Adam learn the finer points of masturbation etiquette? While you’re enjoying your cramped new living quarters, be sure to stay on your R.A.’s good side — especially if said R.A. is on a dickish power-trip (see: college-aged Ders).
NEVER, EVER ARGUE WITH YOUR SUBSTITUTE TEACHER
If you’re unlucky enough to get stuck with a militantly belligerent substitute teacher like Mr. Garvey, it’s a good idea to keep your head down and just let him do his thing. Why? Because the Mr. Garveys of this world are quintessential hardasses who will not stand for any of your s**t — even if the s**t in question is a perfectly reasonable request to take part in school-sponsored activities. Also, steer clear of anything mischievous, deceitful, chicanerous or deplorable. He hates those things.
You thought we were joking? Watch the scene where the legend of Mr. Garvey began, and think again about messing with your sub. Any questions?
We didn’t think so.