The Five Insufferable People You’ll Meet at School

Reading, writing, 'rithmatic and ridiculous nightmares.

The new school year’s underway, and with that comes supplies to buy, lunch tables to be strategically chosen to assert coolness, and a ton of new people to meet. Here are some of the life-forms you’ll be coping with for the next nine months.

This guy won’t know who anyone in the class is and will become immediately defensive about that fact. What he should really do is put on a video and take a nap at the teacher’s desk.

Anyone can make a joke behind the teacher’s back. But it takes a true genius to hear that joke, loudly repeat that joke, take credit for that joke, impress the principal with that joke and leave geometry class to go on tour with Gabriel Iglesias.

Maybe he sings the super soulful outro in your a cappella group. Maybe he’s personally planting 100 new trees in the courtyard for the environmental club. Maybe he’s hand-binding each yearbook individually. Whatever this competitive freak does, you better believe it’s going in his college application.

He’ll make fun of you in front of his other cool friends and will tell you to shut up. He also might reveal that he’s deeply insecure. Beware of this very mean open book. And maybe stop reading in public.

No semester is complete without an inspirational cautionary tale to warn students against the dangers of drugs, drinking and unprotected sex. One moment you’re balancing a milk carton on your head, the next a piano is falling on it. Make good choices out there.