Abbi and Ilana’s Love Interests, Ranked

Who's the hottest of them all?

Over the past three seasons, Broad City’s Abbi and Ilana have had some quality hook-ups. They’ve also been with a couple duds. Here for the first time ever is the definitive ranking of every Broad City love interest (so far).

16. Dale (Tim Martin)

Pros: Zero.

Cons: The worst sex. Way too into his ex.

15. Doug (Jordan Carlos)

Pros: Seems to be well-prepared with spare clean glasses.

Cons: The whole not-using-a-condom thing.

14. Jared (Seth Green)

Pros: Very passionate. Ready to settle down.

Cons: Comes on too strong.

13. Tyler (Luke Guldan)
Pros: Incredibly attractive. Generous with oral sex.

Cons: Bad at improv. Does improv at all.

12. Male Stacy (Seth Rogen)

Pros: Will cook you dinner.

Cons: Will touch his sweaty butt crack while cooking you dinner.

11. Ben (Tom Lipinski)

Pros: Upwardly mobile. Appreciates a good dial tone noise.

Cons: Needs to tighten up his description of the game “The Settlers of Catan.”

10. Jeremy Santos (Stephen Schneider)
Pros: Flexible about positions. Incredible at home renovation.

Cons: Doesn’t appreciate Sarah McLachlan. Judgmental.

9. Ilana’s Interns (Jake Choi, Mirirai Sithole)
Pros: Hard-working.

Cons: Lack gainful employment.

8. The DJs (Jason Mantzoukas & Matt Jones)
Pros: Cute.

Cons: But, like, douchey.

7. Will (Will Janowitz)
Pros: Cute. Likes dogs.

Cons: Not dedicated enough to go to Penn Station.

6. Delivery Guy (Brandon Micheal Hall)

Pros: Seems like a chill dude.

Cons: Makes “that’s what she said” jokes. Probably won’t be employed for long.

5. Carl Schiff A.K.A. Schiffilis (Evan Jonigkeit)
Pros: Extremely forgiving.

Cons: Slightly passive-aggressive.

4. Adele (Alia Shawkat)
Pros: The most beautiful woman Ilana has ever met.

Cons: Doesn’t smoke weed. DOESN’T. SMOKE. WEED.

3. Blake Griffin (himself)
Pros: Famous professional athlete. Up for whatever in bed. Appreciates the WNBA. Smells good.

Cons: Who has the energy to keep up?

2. Trey Pucker (Paul W. Downs)
Pros: Protective. Extremely considerate. Always seems to have burned DVDs on hand.

Cons: Uses the phrase, “Bazinga!”

1. Lincoln Rice (Hannibal Buress)
Pros: Extremely chill. Always ready to help out you and your friends. Has a great job. Loves dogs. Loves cooking. Loves weddings.

Cons: Looking to settle down (only a con if you’re dedicated to being a rolling stone).

Broad City returns for a new season in August of 2017! Who else is excited to see what hunks and babes await?