Over the past three seasons, Broad City’s Abbi and Ilana have had some quality hook-ups. They’ve also been with a couple duds. Here for the first time ever is the definitive ranking of every Broad City love interest (so far).
16. Dale (Tim Martin)
Cons: The worst sex. Way too into his ex.
15. Doug (Jordan Carlos)
Pros: Seems to be well-prepared with spare clean glasses.
Cons: The whole not-using-a-condom thing.
14. Jared (Seth Green)
Pros: Very passionate. Ready to settle down.
Cons: Comes on too strong.
13. Tyler (Luke Guldan)
Pros: Incredibly attractive. Generous with oral sex.
Cons: Bad at improv. Does improv at all.
12. Male Stacy (Seth Rogen)
Pros: Will cook you dinner.
Cons: Will touch his sweaty butt crack while cooking you dinner.
11. Ben (Tom Lipinski)
Pros: Upwardly mobile. Appreciates a good dial tone noise.
Cons: Needs to tighten up his description of the game “The Settlers of Catan.”
10. Jeremy Santos (Stephen Schneider)
Pros: Flexible about positions. Incredible at home renovation.
Cons: Doesn’t appreciate Sarah McLachlan. Judgmental.
9. Ilana’s Interns (Jake Choi, Mirirai Sithole)
Cons: Lack gainful employment.
8. The DJs (Jason Mantzoukas & Matt Jones)
Cons: But, like, douchey.
7. Will (Will Janowitz)
Pros: Cute. Likes dogs.
Cons: Not dedicated enough to go to Penn Station.
6. Delivery Guy (Brandon Micheal Hall)
Pros: Seems like a chill dude.
Cons: Makes “that’s what she said” jokes. Probably won’t be employed for long.
5. Carl Schiff A.K.A. Schiffilis (Evan Jonigkeit)
Pros: Extremely forgiving.
Cons: Slightly passive-aggressive.
4. Adele (Alia Shawkat)
Pros: The most beautiful woman Ilana has ever met.
Cons: Doesn’t smoke weed. DOESN’T. SMOKE. WEED.
3. Blake Griffin (himself)
Pros: Famous professional athlete. Up for whatever in bed. Appreciates the WNBA. Smells good.
Cons: Who has the energy to keep up?
2. Trey Pucker (Paul W. Downs)
Pros: Protective. Extremely considerate. Always seems to have burned DVDs on hand.
Cons: Uses the phrase, “Bazinga!”
1. Lincoln Rice (Hannibal Buress)
Pros: Extremely chill. Always ready to help out you and your friends. Has a great job. Loves dogs. Loves cooking. Loves weddings.
Cons: Looking to settle down (only a con if you’re dedicated to being a rolling stone).
Broad City returns for a new season in August of 2017! Who else is excited to see what hunks and babes await?