Curating Your Vampire Brand

Here's your guide to all things dark, sexy and lacy.
So you’ve just been turned into a vampire. You probably have a lot of questions, like, “Vampires are real?” and “Why was reading a Comedy Central article about this the first thing I decided to do?” No worries. Key and Peele have some great ideas for how to put your best foot forward in your new life as a bloodsucking immortal.

First, make a big splash in the vamp community by buying a massive Gothic mansion where your fellow vampires can join you for meals, orgies and slow-motion dancing. Real estate ain’t cheap, so save up for the next 30, 40 or 200 years until you have enough for the down payment.

In the meantime, throw away any and all colorful clothing and shop for an entirely different wardrobe. Unless you happen to be a huge Criss Angel fan, you definitely don’t yet own enough black nylon, pants with laces up the side of the leg, and leather vests and bustiers to keep you clothed for the next few centuries.

Of course, none of this will matter unless you properly set the mood. If votive candles and a dark, sultry trip-hop soundtrack aren’t already part of your daily life, please make an effort to incorporate them into your routine. The importance of these little touches cannot be overstated.

If any of your peers accuse you of being “desperate” or say that all your licking and hissing is “straight-up gratuitous,” don’t worry. Geniuses are rarely recognized in their time. Keep doing it for 1,000 years or so, and they’ll catch on.