Serves: One sadistic schoolyard lowlife who deserves to have everything and everyone he loves stripped from his pathetic life.
2 small cans of black beans
1 chopped mother of your pubes-obsessed bully
1 chopped father of the same
1 large can of diced tomatoes
1 large onion
Cayenne pepper to taste (optional)*
1. Dice onions and jalapenos.
2. Using your hacksaw, chop up your enemy’s parents’ bodies into four discrete pieces; then, using a butcher knife, cut each quarter into bite-size morsels.
3. Drain and rinse black beans.
1. Mix beans, onions and tomatoes in a pot over medium heat. Bring to a simmer.
2. Fry cubes of meat in greased skillet until crispy.
3. Add parent meat into pot with tomato mixture
4. Throw in a dash of cayenne pepper for an extra kick. Then again, you’re not eating this, so this step is completely optional.
5. Serve warm!
Remember, the atmosphere of brutal culinary revenge is as important as the food – enrich the experience by serving this chili to your bully while Radiohead mocks him and the whole town bears witness to your maniacal genius. Either way, there’s no tastier way to destroy someone’s life for poking fun at your prepubescent body!
*The salty tears of unfathomable sadness that your tormentor will shed into his bowl will likely be seasoning enough.