Football’s Biggest Night of the Year: The Real Winners

It’s not just the winning team that, y'know, wins.

Come Sunday evening, we’ll know which team will stand victorious, which team will suffer defeat, and whether or not Lady Gaga’s halftime performance will only include songs from “Cheek To Cheek.” If you’re looking for other people to celebrate, though, you need not look only to the gridiron. There are many others who can win on Sunday. For example:

  1. THE FANS

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    At the end of the day, football isn’t about the trophies or the accolades, or even the players. It’s about us, the fans. And, of course, satisfying the rabid bloodlust we all harbor as members of this cursed species called “mankind.”

  2. THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

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    Look — it’s rough out there, which is to say the world is bad. A day dedicated to fun and excitement is just what we all need to relax, take a breather and become completely unprepared for whatever fresh hell awaits us on Monday.

  3. LIARS AND CHEATS

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    If there’s any lesson that we can learn from our times, it’s this: Cheaters always prosper. You may think you’ve got them dead to rights with your oh-so-smart little question, and you will be wrong every time. Uhhh… Hypothetically, of course.

  4. EEEEE EEEEEEEEE

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    Every day is a victory when you’re Eeeee Eeeeeeeee.