Clown-Proofing Your Party

You'll want to play it safe when one of those wily motherf**kers is around.

http://www.cc.com/video-clips/7c4ygq/detroiters-mr–bones-takes-a-tumble
Even if you’re as cautious as possible, sooner or later you’re going to wind up at a party with a clown. And as we all know, you can’t turn your back on one of those red-nosed, stage-makeup-wearing scoundrels for two seconds without them causing some kind of tomfoolery and/or mischief.

You may want to give up. Your resolve and vigilance may fade. But it is imperative that you prevent that from happening. Here are some simple safeguards for you to try:

NO HANDSHAKES
Clowns have mastered the ancient art of the joy buzzer, and don’t think they won’t convert others to their cult of unsolicited electric shocks by giving them joy buzzers too. So to make things easier, just create a blanket policy: no direct palm-to-palm contact of any kind, whether it be a handshake, high five or low five.

NO PIES
Under no circumstances should anyone at the party bring a pie, whether it be of the chess, cream, or fruit variety. It will wind up on the floor, on someone’s face or staining a priceless family heirloom, guaranteed.

NO EXAMINING OF LAPELS
They’ll squirt you, stupid.