Humans, if you’re sick of swiping left on pictures of creepy, desperate people, let us introduce to you something different — the Alien Dating App.* This revolutionary technology matches you with potential compatible mates from across the world, then lets you get a taste of your life with them in the built-in simulation chamber. Doesn’t that sound great/terrifying? Here are a few simple tips for getting the most out of your experience.
DON’T GET YOUR HOPES UP.
Listen, we get it. The alien app may scan everyone in existence to discover who is compatible with you, but that doesn’t mean anyone will be compatible with you. Measure your expectations. Always bear in mind that you’re a loser who’s impossible to get along with and needs an extraterrestrial dating app because the other ones weren’t working.
BE CAUTIOUS WHEN ENTERING THE SIMULATION CHAMBER.
This should go without saying, but when entering a virtual reality meant to simulate a long-term relationship with one of your matches, make sure you’re actually interested in the person before spending 10 years trapped in a virtual prison with them.
DON’T STALK YOUR MATCH.
Just because you know that you’re perfectly compatible with someone doesn’t mean that they know that too. (We’re still working on that functionality.) Love takes time, so don’t accost your soulmate in a desperate plea to end your loneliness. It’s a bad look.
*For the ease of human readers, the true name of this app has been concealed, for reading it would result in physical harm.