4 of the Awful People You’ll Meet on St Patrick’s Day

There are so, so many.

Well, today is St. Patrick’s Day, and if you’re anything like us, you’re spending it burying your fan drawings of the green M&M in the woods where Mother can’t find them. But if you’re not anything like us, you just might be spending this Friday night out on the town with other people. Why would you do that? People are bad — they do things like wage war and draw web comics.

If you insist, though, here are a few types of people you might meet and should definitely avoid today.

  1. THE TOO-INTENSE COUPLE

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    Just be cool, guys. Please. We can all only take so much.

  2. THE NEW BEST FRIEND — WHO YOU JUST MET

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    A good rule of thumb is this: The chummier someone is within seconds of meeting you, the more likely it is that they’re a murderer — or even worse, need a friend. St. Patrick’s Day isn’t for making friends. It’s for solemn reflection upon the deeds of Saint Patrick, Apostle of Ireland.

  3. THE PERSON COVERED IN VOMIT

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    Sometimes it’s just a fleck. Sometimes it’s much more. But the hard truth is that St. Patrick’s Day, much like the premiere of “Grease! Live,” is the time to vomit on yourself. Try not to breathe in.

  4. THE “THE PARTY CAN’T STOP” PEOPLE

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    Unless you’re in Hell, the party should stop.