4 Things You Can Do When You Have Money

We didn't include "not go to jail even when you should go to jail."

It pays to be rich, what with regressive tax breaks and all. But there are other ways to enjoy the fruits of your (or more likely, your parents’) labor — especially if you’re a sociopath or something (which, it goes without saying, not one rich person has ever been). Here are just a few neat things you can do should you find your pockets overflowing with cash.

  1. CREATE A WHOLE NEW FORM OF EATING

    Not satisfied with the meal options you have? Create a new one and charge people to partake! That’s a thing you can do! There are no laws against that, even though there should be very strict laws against that.

  2. MAKE PEOPLE WATCH YOU SING

    Acting, singing, dancing — these are just some of the things Bryan La Croix can do with varying degrees of skill in order to pad his wallet. And while you may not live in Canada, if you’ve got the green, you can basically force anyone to watch you do stuff.

  3. LOOK LIKE DIS

    There is no greater gift money can buy than a closet that will make you look like dis. Oh, and also judges.

  4. ENJOY THE GOOD LIFE

    If Dr. Armond’s face doesn’t scream “absolute bliss,” then what the hell does? What. The. Hell. Does?