How to Get Even with Anyone

Revenge is a dish best served by Dave Chappelle.

Looking to take revenge on someone who’s wronged you? First, congratulations. Second, what’s your plan? After all, there are plenty of ways to exact retribution, but few methods are as elaborate, spiteful or ingenious as those of Dave Chappelle. Here are some tips from the master.

  • 1. BE MANIPULATIVE, COLD AND UNFEELING

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    Build a complex web of lies that results in the complete ruin of your target’s personal life. Sit down and think about their weaknesses. Then decide how you can best exploit them. For added fun, include your whole family!

  • 2. GET CREATIVE

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    It’s your revenge, so why not really make it yours? Do something out of the ordinary that initially seems like a favor — like buying airtime for your target’s business. When the person sees that you’ve actually carefully orchestrated their downfall, the realization will be that much more painful.

  • 3. BECOME YOUR MOST MONSTROUS SELF

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    Explore the worst, most evil impulses that lurk in the uncharted depths of your soul. Let loose a little and see what you find there. You might be surprised at how truly heinous you can be once freed from the false gods that are society’s laws and mores. But be warned: Once you’ve embraced this part of yourself, there can be no going back, for you will be henceforth a creature of destruction beyond all redemption and understanding. You’ll probably also go to jail.