A Tremendous, World-Class Premiere

The president says this was the highest-rated TV episode ever.

It’s incredible. The President Show premiered this week, and the star already knows that it was the biggest series premiere of all time. The ratings were huge, absolutely massive — bigger than the Super Bowl*. Plus, the president has gotten so many calls from countries like Australia and Hawaii congratulating him on his record-shattering achievement. He thinks it’s really, really nice of them.

Let’s break down, bit by bit, why his first episode was so terrific.

  • THE PRESIDENT IS THE MOST HANDSOME, INTERESTING HOST IN LATE-NIGHT

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    Most late-night shows begin with the host yammering on and on from behind a desk, usually with a doofy sidekick. And both of them are always so boring and ugly that you want to change the channel or declare war on North Korea. Not the president and his VP. Their chemistry is so real that it practically leaps out of the screen to slap you across the face. But you could mute that video and still fall in love with them. They’re just great-looking guys, you know? To quote the VP, we really put the cinnamon on the oatmeal with this one.

  • THE PRES NAILED THE DESK PIECE

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    Just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, the president begins his first desk piece: Nice! Not Nice! In this segment, he lets you know who or what is nice or not nice. Simple, right? Exactly. There are no confusing distractions or rules. (Why do they have so many rules? It’s terrible.) Anyway, the audience ate it up. Much better than any of those, again, very boring, unattractive late-night hosts who mock the president.

  • THE GUIDE TO NEW YORK WAS THE BEST GUIDE TO NEW YORK ANYONE’S EVER SEEN

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    New York is an unbelievable city, just unbelievable — especially Times Square. It’s full of life and energy and halal carts with mayonnaise you can eat right out of the squirt bottle. Travel shows have been showing wannabe tourists the Big Apple for years, yet no one’s ever done a better job of showing you the “real” New York (gentle inclines and all) than this charismatic, wonderful host.

*This is not at all accurate or backed up by data; we got the numbers directly from the host, who would not share any research or paperwork to prove his point.