User reviews and comments are the lifeblood of the internet. Whether it’s regarding a sandwich from a local deli, a vacuum cleaner or a Pez dispenser/vibrator hybrid, you can count on online shoppers to tell you exactly how they feel about their recent purchases. But due to those pesky things called “laws,” the drug marketplace hasn’t been able to get the same treatment — at least not out in the open. That’s where the dark web comes in.
As you might expect, customer reviews written by meth users on an encrypted underground website are pretty interesting. Let’s analyze, line by line, the weird genius of one particularly effusive five-star review that Moshe and his panel discovered.
“ONCE AGAIN, THE MAN THAT HAS SEEN EVERYTHING IS VERY IMPRESSED.”
Right out of the gate, this user fancies himself a man of the world, perhaps with very particular tastes. He’s a connoisseur — not just of meth delivery services, but of absolutely everything that the planet has to offer. At the same time, he’s very easily impressed by customer service.
“NOT ONLY DID THIS VENDOR GET ME 2DD TO A DISASTER-DECLARED STATE…”
Now, this sounds genuinely impressive, assuming that this “disaster-declared state” is as dangerous as we imagine. (To be honest, though, we’re too afraid to look up exactly what “2DD of meth” looks like on our non-Tor browsers for fear of getting placed on any number of government lists.)
“…HE RESCUED EIGHT PEOPLE IN A SWIFT WATER OPERATION…”
It’s not clear what a “swift water operation” entails in this context. Perhaps the area was a “disaster-declared state” because of flooding or something. But when you consider the notion that the dealer waded into swift water and saved eight lives without ruining his meth or sacrificing a speedy delivery, the five-star rating makes a ton of sense.
“…AND ADOPTED AN ORPHAN PUPPY.”
This is very cute and all, but we have a question: How does this guy know that the puppy was an orphan? That’s way too specific of a detail for an outside observer to have in their back pocket.
“QUALITY STEALTH AND WEIGHT BEYOND REPROACH.”
Either the reviewer really liked his dealer’s bod, or he thinks that his meth is somehow very sneaky. It’s one or the other.
“WHY USE ANYONE ELSE?”