Recuperating from wisdom teeth surgery is a horrible process. It hurts to eat, and your mouth is filled with blood and gauze — and not in a sexy vampire way. Luckily for Abbi, she had Ilana to nurse her after she went through the procedure, and she came out on the other side just fine. Here’s how you can be your own Ilana and make your recovery period as pleasurable (or at least as eventful) as Abbi’s.
TAKE THE “GOVERNMENT MEDICINE” YOUR DOCTOR PRESCRIBED
Ilana may harbor a deep mistrust for Western medicine, but that doesn’t mean you have to. Swallow the pain relievers your doctor gave you. If you accidentally take a double dose, grab your trustiest stuffed animal and brace yourself for a wild ride.
[DON’T] DRINK A “FIRECRACKER SMOOTHIE”
We won’t mince words here: Ilana’s “smoothie” is essentially a weed-infused milkshake — no more, no less. Our lawyers have advised us not to divulge her recipe, so do with this information what you will.
CALL YOUR CRUSH
Have you been agonizing over whether or not to tell your crush how you feel about them? Well, you’re pumped full of pills and marijuana, so professing your love at this particular moment might not be the best idea. But hey, it worked out for Abbi. So we say go for it, you big lug! Follow your heavily drugged heart!
GO GROCERY SHOPPING WHILE HALLUCINATING THAT YOUR STUFFED ANIMAL HAS COME TO LIFE
This won’t help exactly. In fact, it will make everything much, much worse for you, your friends and the good people at Whole Foods. But again, Abbi did it, and she seemed to have fun. Just make sure that you have the money to cover the massive purchase you’re about to make.
CALL A DOCTOR
After going through all this, just admit to yourself that everything on this list was a bad idea. Get some sleep. And if Bingo Bronson is sitting in front of you and telling you to go to a theme park, don’t listen to him.