If you’re anything like us, you spend every waking minute thinking, “How can I be a true-blue golf course dealmaker like our esteemed president?” Well, we’ve got you covered. Whether you’re trying to broker a nuclear disarmament agreement or convince your mom to allow you to eat both Twinkies in the wrapper, these are the steps you need to take to ensure victory at your next golf course negotiation.*
DISCUSS MOVIES AND TV
The people you’ve brought to your luxury golf course specifically for the purpose of wheelin’ and dealin’ will weirdly insist on negotiating a deal. Do not give in. That’s a rookie mistake that the president wouldn’t make in a million years. Keep deflecting. Talk about whatever you fell asleep to on Netflix last night. Really tease it out and make their mouths water.
Always remember to bring some juice along. There’s no way you’re landing the deal of a lifetime if you’re all dizzy and dried up! Juice pouches can be confusing, though. (Why is the straw near your face if all the juice is way down there? And why isn’t the mainstream media covering this?) Don’t feel ashamed if you don’t get it in your mouth on the first try.
GO ALL-IN ON ONE FINAL PUTT
It’s go time, baby. Without warning or any prior negotiation, propose one final putt: If you make it, you get everything you want out of the deal; if you miss it, act like you did it on purpose and move on to the next step.
DROP TO YOUR KNEES, AND BEG LIKE A PUPPY.
You might think that groveling would make you look weak, but this step is vital to closing any really big deal. Simply begin sobbing and clawing at the person’s feet. Throw in a few “I’ll do anything”s for good measure. In no time, they’ll agree to whatever you want just so they can get the hell away from you. Who cares about your dignity if you win? After all, isn’t winning the only thing that matters?
*We’re assuming, of course, that you own several beautiful golf courses, just like the president.