Trains rank among the crowning achievements of modern engineering. They also suuuuuuuuck! Whether underground or above, your train will frequently come to a standstill for reasons as flimsy and suspicious as “train traffic,” “signal problems” or “the conductor is having a midlife crisis.” Lucky for you, Abbi and Ilana have devised a few clever ways to occupy yourself the next time your commute is stalled.
LOOK FOR LOVE
Though you might only be stopped for five minutes or so, it’s never too early to plan out who around you would make a suitable life partner/hook-up buddy. Will it be the grizzled finance guy in the gray suit? Or the bespectacled woman making a show out of reading The New Yorker? Let your imagination run wild. Just don’t actually proposition these people until everyone’s been cloistered on the train for days and all sense of propriety has broken down.
PLAN OUT YOUR SURVIVAL STRATEGY
If your train never moves, it could be weeks before anyone finds you. Who knows? It’s a good idea to plan which fellow commuter you would eat first when the chips are down. Abbi and Ilana debate the merits of eating a baby. Sure, the meat is probably the most tender and delicious, but there’s also a lot less of it. Decisions, decisions.
RUB YOUR FRIEND’S BUTT
Look, you might get a little loopy after being stuck for so long, and you’ll be willing to do just about anything to get the train moving again. Aside from being just plain fun, rubbing your friend’s hindquarters like a genie lamp could potentially get the train up and running if your belief in the magic of the ass is strong enough. Some might call that magical thinking, but no one can call you crazy if it works.