Attention, Clueless Fathers: It’s the Dad Academy Curriculum

Sit down, Pops: School’s in session.

Ah, Father’s Day. If you’re a dad, you’re probably ready to kick back and relax as your children reward you for all your hard work with poorly made arts and crafts. Well, sorry to burst your bubble, Daddy-o, but that’s not the way things fly around here.

Welcome to Dad Academy. We’re here to remind you that being a dad is a full-time gig. No slacking off for a day, no vacations. It’s never too late to learn (or relearn) the basics of fathering. Whether you’re already a papa or you just enjoy yelling at small children, here are but a few lessons you can learn from the experts at the Dad Academy.

  • FISCAL RESPONSIBILITY

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    Once you have a child, you can’t think only about yourself. Your new teacher, the Wallet, is here to ensure you’re actually responsible enough with your money to be able to afford a suitable living space for your family. After all, you can’t all share the smelly pit you live in now. Then again, what constitutes a “suitable living space” is in the eye of the beholder. C-Czar, for instance, only needs a dog kennel to feel safe. We hope, for your kid’s sake, that you have higher standards.

  • DON’T ABANDON YOUR BABY

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    We know fatherhood can be scary. But if you have a newborn, the last thing you should do is run away. Fortunately, all Dad Academy students are required to spend four hours locked in a room with our Styrofoam Imitation Baby. By doing so at home, you may also develop the bonding instincts lying dormant in your body. (Warning: If you have a lip ring, do not kiss the fake baby. Its torso is made of a wire grating, and your piercing will get caught.)

  • REFLECT ON WHERE YOU CAME FROM

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    A sure path toward paternal enlightenment is coming to terms with the mistakes your own dad made and then learning from them. For C-Czar, reconciling with his past means reaching out to his mom to find out where his absent father is. Sadly, doing so only caused his mom to run out on him, too. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, but don’t ask us what it is.

Anyway, if you keep all these things in mind, Dad Academy graduation (and a lifetime of incredible fathering) will be within your reach. And just like C-Czar, you’ll get a bunch of boss tattoos of each lesson you’ve learned at Dad Academy. We should’ve mentioned that before, but it’s non-negotiable. It acts as advertising for the school. Don’t look at us like that. Tuition’s free — what did you expect?