Apocalypse Roulette

It'll most likely go down in one of these three ways.

In these turbulent times, a person needs some certainty to cling to. We’re happy to provide it — by reminding you of the impending apocalypse. Yes, it’s going to happen, and soon. It might even happen before you finish reading this article. We know that may not be reassuring, per se, but it is something you can count on absolutely. Luckily, none of us have to enter this new phase of life unprepared, because Key & Peele’s Keegan and Jordan have laid out a few forms that the end of days could take. Stock your emergency kits accordingly.

Stephen Hawking warned us that aliens could pose an existential threat to humanity, but Keegan and Jordan did the same thing and made it funny — so suck on that, Professor Science. Hopefully, the show’s other prediction (that the aliens’ ignorance of societal ills could be used against them) will also prove useful.

Zombies are the worst. It’s bad enough that these hordes of the undead are driven by their hunger for living flesh, but on top of that, they’re racist.

So rest in peace, guy at the beginning of this sketch who was played by Kevin Sorbo of TV’s “Hercules.” Your death was not in vain: It helped Jordan and Keegan find their way to a fun party where there were no racist zombies.

The Devil is real, and he has a name: Steve Urkel. And when the Devil feels like being cool, he has another name: Stefan Urquelle. Urkel drove Reginald VelJohnson into a pit of madness and despair, but that was just a warm-up for his bottomless cruelty. The rest of mankind will surely face his onslaught next. Our only hope lies in the possibility that Laura goes out on a date with him and soothes his evil urges.