As you may have heard, this president is not under investigation for obstructing justice by interfering with the Russian hacking inquiry. To repeat: NOT. UNDER. INVESTIGATION. So, naturally, he doesn’t need a lawyer.
Nevertheless, this president perceives a persistent media witch hunt, so it couldn’t hurt for him to vet a few of the nation’s top attorneys. You know — just in case he ends up needing one (which he won’t). As you watch the president sit down with them, you may ask yourself: Do I have what it takes to be the president’s lawyer?
Before answering, know that you’ll have to fulfill each of these totally reasonable job requirements.
1. POLITELY ANSWER QUESTIONS LIKE, “HOW JEWY ARE YOU?”
This is par for the course when you’re representing this man. What can we say? His vetting process is very thorough.
2. BE WILLING TO HEAR THE PRESIDENT’S DEEPEST SECRETS
For example, he may reveal things like the fact that he suffers daily heart attacks. Or that he fantasizes about his elderly attorney general wearing a bikini. Or that he wants to hunt and eat a male ballerina. You could be told all of these things. Consider this your first and only warning.
3. PREPARE FOR THE PRESIDENT NOT TO TAKE ANY OF YOUR LEGAL ADVICE
You know, just FYI.
4. BE GILBERT GOTTFRIED
We’re as surprised as you, but it turns out this is the single most important qualification that the president’s legal counsel can have. Not Gilbert Gottfried? Well, better luck next time.