Throw the Perfect 4th of July Cookout

There's no better way to stick it to the British.

This Independence Day, do your barbecue right by following these steps. While we can’t promise that your neighborhood’s fireworks will be great, at least your guests will be too full to care.

  • DO WHATEVER THE VICE PRESIDENT SAYS

    The Fourth of July is all about independence — and when we think about independence, we immediately think of our current vice president. Nobody bosses that guy around! So, to celebrate your own freedom, why not check out the vice president’s July 4 barbecue tips? It’s the only guaranteed way to make sure that your guests have a nifty time.

  • RESPECT YOUR BEEF

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    Springing for some expensive burger patties? Good move. But don’t go sullying them with stuff like ketchup. Or cheese. Or close proximity to lesser patties. Even if it means causing a scene, stick to your principles on this. Everyone will thank you once they taste the unadulterated quality of a perfectly cooked Kobe burger with nothing — nothing — on it.

  • UPGRADE YOUR COOKING TOOLS

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    Part of being a grown-ass adult is having decent cookware, and there’s no better place to start than with a high-quality knife. Just be careful with it. You don’t want your barbecue to turn into one of those dinner-murder-mystery things.

  • DON’T INVITE ANY KILLER ROBOTS

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    Look, we understand the appeal of inviting a killer robot to your barbecue. They provide an exciting element of danger. But the risk of a sudden FBI raid and a subsequent brutal massacre is simply too high. Plus, your grill might get damaged, and then the whole cookout’s ruined.