4 Reasons You Don’t Want Kumail Nanjiani Driving You Around

What's the harm in calling for another car?

Word to the wise: If you hail a car (with your hand or using an app) and Kumail Nanjiani rolls up, think twice before climbing in. Kumail may be charming as the star of “The Big Sick,” but as your chauffer, he comes with some serious drawbacks.

  1. He’s probably schilling something.

    Guerilla marketing has gotten out of control. Case in point: If Kumail (or any famous person, really) picks you up, it’s almost certainly part of a ploy to promote his latest movie. In other words, he doesn’t care about your comfort, and there might not even be snacks in the backseat. Don’t say you weren’t warned.

  2. He doesn’t care about your schedule.

    As a stand-up comedian, Kumail primarily works at night. So if you’re taking a ride during the day, that means he’s probably just killing time until his first set of the evening. It makes no difference to him whether you make your flight, or even whether you have time to enjoy some sweet shiatsu from one of those airport massage chairs.

  3. He’s going to try out new stand-up material on you.

    Sure, the stand-up bits Kumail performs on TV are hilarious, but the back of his car is not your TV. You’re a captive audience. He’ll most likely try out a whole bunch of his unproven bits on you since — guess what — you can’t leave. Don’t be the “this guy” in his “This guy knows what I’m talking about.” It’s just not worth it.

  4. He might not actually be able to take you anywhere.

    We don’t know why he’s like this. It’s entirely possible that by the time he drives up to your door, Kumail’s been so busy daydreaming about those aforementioned zingers that he totally spaced on filling up his gas tank.

Learn from poor Ray Romano’s example and say no to a ride from Kumail. That said, you should definitely say yes to “The Big Sick,” in theaters everywhere July 14.
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