Whether you aspire to be a high school substitute teacher or Andre 3000, success is all about how you dress. And as Jordan and Keegan demonstrate in these sketches, nothing’s more important than finding the right threads.
Mr. Garvey’s ability to command a room full of teens doesn’t come from his experience as an inner-city teacher — it comes from his no-nonsense attire. The short-sleeved shirt shows off his intimidating muscles, and the tie bar proves that he’s not afraid to be a little showy. Think of him as an extremely stern peacock — and whatever you do, don’t try to go toe-to-toe with him.
Thanks to these wildly enthusiastic valets, red vests are now forever synonymous with loving “Khaleesis.” (And Liam Neesons, if you’re keeping track at home.) So don’t even think about donning this uniform unless you’re prepared to impersonate some dragons while you’re waiting around to park cars.
MEMBER OF OUTKAST
You might think that Andre 3000 owes his fame to being a creative, multifaceted musician and lyricist. Nope. It’s all about the green Robin Hood hat. Get one for yourself, and prepare to climb those charts!
DISGRACED FLOOR COVERINGS EMPLOYEE
If you aspire to be fired from your job at a floor coverings company (and really, who doesn’t?), you can’t do it without a drab polo shirt and lifeless khakis. Put on this uniform and practice some insults, and you’ll be on your way to getting canned in no time. While you’re at it, why not throw in some lies about your genitals for extra effect? It’s not like you’ve got a job to keep.
OLD-TIMEY SCAT ARTIST
You can’t tell a fellow jazz singer that his face looks like a scrotum without a smart outfit. That’s why, if you ever find yourself in a scat battle, a fedora or a sharp turtleneck will be your best friend. Once you look the part, the insulting nonsense sounds can’t help but follow.