One thing we can all agree on is that etiquette is overrated. “Please”? “Thank you”? Refraining from flipping off waiters? Why waste time with that when you could be doing cool stuff like riding in fire trucks?
Yet for some reason, a lot of people seem to worry about the president’s “lack of manners” in diplomatic settings. So, because he’s such a great guy, he sucked it up and went to charm school.
Here’s what they tried teaching him there, and why you should reject those lessons too.
YOUR HANDSHAKE SHOULD BE QUICK AND FIRM, YET POLITE
No one will take you seriously if you shake their hand like this. What you need to do is grasp their wrist, tug it toward you and never let go. Really leave a mark. That lets them know who’s the boss. (Hint: It’s you.)
NAPKINS ARE FOR YOUR LAP, NOT YOUR FACE
This rule has never made sense. You use napkins to wipe up a mess on your face, so why should they spend time on your legs? Clearly, they should be placed on your head so that you can use them as makeshift costumes when dinner gets boring.
DON’T SMOTHER YOUR STEAK WITH KETCHUP
Steak is basically a flavorless hunk of gray muscle. Everyone pretends to like it, but it might as well be a shoe. So what’s wrong with a little ketchup? Salty, tomato-y, corn-syrupy ketchup. That’s where the flavor is! Also, make sure to shove the whole piece of meat into your mouth all at once. Knives are for squares.
DO NOT ENGAGE WITH THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
This is the only good advice here. Granted, it’s advice that’s probably specific to the president, but heed its warning nonetheless. The Man in the Mirror wants nothing more than to destroy you and all those you care about it. He knows your secrets, and he speaks to you in a language only you can understand. No matter how appealing Michael Jackson makes it sound, don’t listen to him.