Tips for Paul Manafort and Rick Gates on How to Spend Their House Arrests

Just because you're awaiting trial doesn't mean you have to suffer from boredom.

When Special Counsel Robert Mueller indicted former Trump associates Paul Manafort and Rick Gates on 12 counts — including money laundering and conspiracy against the United States — Jim declared the day “Christmas Eve for liberals.” But it’s not like Manafort or Gates is rotting away in some cell right now. They’re on house arrest, which, as far as Jim sees it, is a mildly inconvenient staycation for wealthy criminals.—the-mueller-indictments
Jim suggests the two should hire private chefs and fire up the second season of “Stranger Things” to take advantage of their situation. That got us thinking about some of our own ideas for how they should spend their time at home, avoiding the harsh treatment that almost any other citizen would surely receive.

Is there any better feeling than getting invited to a party and then deciding not to go to it an hour beforehand? The answer is no. There is no better feeling. House arrest is the ultimate excuse. It’s literally illegal for Manafort and Gates to leave their homes. They should make plans just to cancel them later. (They should also probably cancel any meetings with Kremlin-connected officials that they may have on the books.)

There has to be tons of stuff Manafort and Gates have been meaning to get to around the house. But now they have all the time in the world (uh, until their trials), so here’s their chance to build a treehouse or stain a wooden bench. Or, maybe they should really go for it and finally install that trap door leading to an underground escape tunnel. It might come in handy soon.


They’re probably going to do this anyway, but we thought we’d give them our blessing. Manafort might as well spend this time watching every cable news network, constantly checking Twitter, gnashing his teeth at every joke made at his expense and devising revenge fantasies. Plus, he can do it all from the comfort of his bed! He might even find out something useful, like for instance, that one of his homes has been humorously vandalized. (This is probably a good time to remind you to check out your window for teenagers spray-painting your lawn.)

See? This forced imprisonment might be a blessing in disguise after all.