How To Be A Role Model, Just Like Richard Nixon’s Head

Look at that face.

Ask 10 people to describe what they picture when they hear the phrase “role model,” and nine will tell you the exact same thing: the still-alive severed head of former president Richard Milhous Nixon, brined in a jar. The 10th will say something boring like, “My dad.” You should cut that person out of your life.

Yes, as president of Earth circa the year 3000, Nixon’s head has a lot of responsibilities; yet he manages to juggle them all using a mix of aplomb and terror. If you’re looking for someone to emulate, you could do worse than following his example. Here are some lessons we can learn from that jowly visage:

In life, Richard Nixon was known for his ease and generosity toward other people. (Note: Do not Google this.) This is as clear as ever the moment that a tentacled leviathan from another dimension, Yivo, asks the entire Earth out on a date. An egomaniac may have used the opportunity to bend subordinates to his will, but Richard Nixon’s head in a jar polls the room for input before acting. A real role model isn’t looking for recognition. Rather, he strives to satisfy the needs of those around him.

A thought exercise: You see two kids who are not only in verbal conflict, but are preparing to fight — possibly to the death. Free entertainment, right? Wrong. Watch how Nixon defuses the situation by espousing the virtues of nonviolence, much like he did during his first life in the 20th century. (Note: Definitely do not Google this.)

After all, how can you inspire the next generation if you can’t dance your worries away?