Acting Lessons from Calculon

Take a few notes from the biggest soap star in the galaxy.

Fact: Acting schools are scams. Why would anyone want to spend tens of thousands of dollars just so a bunch of egghead professors can teach you how to “access your emotions” or tell you to “rehearse”? All that stuff is for nerds and sellouts. Everything that you really need to know in order to become a successful actor can be learned by watching Calculon, the star of “All My Circuits” and the greatest acting bot ever programmed.

It’s important to push yourself as a performer, both because it’s the only way that you can expand your range and because you don’t want to get stuck in a rut. Here, Calculon is persuaded by a mafia enforcer to testify in court to cover up the Donbot’s crimes. You could argue that this isn’t so much a challenging role as it is a lie that Calculon is coerced into telling under penalty of death. But with a performance like this, who cares?

You know who needs to film something twice? An amateur. And you’re no amateur. Even if you’re just starting out, you’re the greatest actor in the world as long as you believe it to be true. And just like Calculon, the best actors always nail the scene the first time, even when their costar spontaneously wakes up from a coma and begins dancing on his hospital bed.

All that talk about you being the universe’s greatest talent might have inflated your ego, so remember to stay modest as you deal with all the vastly less impressive actors around you. Of course, like Calculon, you only have to do this long enough to appease the schmucks who care about all that “humility” garbage. As soon as you’re onstage, it’s your show, baby!

Now that your lessons are complete (assuming that you haven’t alienated everyone around you with your arrogance), you’ll be a massive intergalactic superstar in just a matter of days. Congratulations on your imminent success.