It’s 2018 — everyone uses emojis. But that doesn’t mean whatever shadowy organization controls them should be filling up our phone screens with more. Fact: Pukey face, dancing lady, smiling poop and thumbs-up are all you really need. Anything extra is just plain unnecessary.
THE DANGEROUS ALLURE OF INTERNET JUNK
Look, nobody loves opening up tab after tab of useless browser garbage more than we do. But if you fall too far down an internet wormhole, it can get you into trouble. Heed the tale of Abbi and Ilana, who were so caught up in investigating celebrities’ net worths and taking personality quizzes that they forgot they were sitting on the same couch. Terrifying.
DON’T EVEN TALK TO US ABOUT BITCOIN
If you’re one of those guys who won’t shut up about the Blockchain, allow us to stop you right there. We believe you that it’s a thing, but we don’t want anything to do with it. Please, please, please just pay us back when you have actual cash, thank you very much.
THE ROBOTS WON’T LISTEN TO YOUR STORIES, EITHER
You may think that the advent of robots in everyday life means that someone will finally appreciate the tales you have to tell. After all, robots have to obey your every command, right? Wrong. By the time these androids are commonplace in your office, they’ll be so advanced that even they won’t care about the time you almost saw Bob Balaban. Such injustice.
TEXTING: IT’S STILL DICEY
Forget the complicated stuff for a second and look at how much we manage to bungle using the technology we already have. If even text messaging is too complex for us as a species, we simply don’t have a chance of adapting to the really involved stuff. Just look at how it’s tearing Jordan and Keegan apart — and they’re best friends.
Technology’s Moving Too Fast for Us, Too
If these signs of high-tech havoc seem familiar to you, at least you're not alone.