Take this quiz to find out whether you’re an oyster-eating member of the elite or a humble potato-peeling servant.
1. What’s your favorite food?
a) Roasted bald eagle on toast points with cheese from my cheese man.
b) Gruel — it’s what’s for all-meal.
2. How do you like to spend your free time?
a) Hitting diamond-filled pinatas.
b) Hauling feces into the woods.
3. What’s the best way to discipline children?
a) I have children?
b) Quieting syrup (A.K.A. morphine)
4. What is your best quality?
a) My unmistakable beauty and my countless gowns and furs.
b) My ability to blend into walls.
5. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you?
a) Finding out that my brother/lover is marrying a fancy society lady who isn’t me.
b) Being in an iron lung and thus unable to oversee the desserts for madam’s birthday party.
6. How do you deal with not getting something you want?
a) That has literally never happened.
b) I have never wanted anything but to serve others.
Mostly As: Bona Fide Bellacourt
Congratulations, sir or madam, you’re as upstairs as a golden pony. Go ahead and throw meat at your new servant, Chair, adorn your dog with a cape made of puppies, and drink all the cocaine wine you please. Who’s going to stop you?
Mostly Bs: Sludge-Slurping Servant
You, my friend, are a member of the downstairs world. Your catchphrase is “Yes, madam,” and you’ve mastered the art of picking up things that the Bellacourt sisters drop on the floor on purpose. If you’re very lucky, maybe you’ll get to mingle with the upper class on Switcheroo Day.