Make Your Own Gruel

Finally -- a way to cook authentic wheat slop from the comfort of your own home.

Gruel: A barely edible grain slosh served to the feeble underclass for generations. For many years, all authentic turn-of-the-century gruel recipes were thought to have been lost. The gray slop would never again be stuffed down future generations’ throats. Thankfully, our luck has changed.

We here at the Comedy Central Test Kitchen are ready to unveil our genuine, carefully formulated recipe for the famed gruel once consumed by Bellacourt Manor’s serving class.
4 cups water
3 healthy handfuls woodchips
1 tsp cream (for texture)
1 cup menthol (to taste)

1. Combine water, woodchips, cream and menthol in a large pot or cauldron.
2. Stir until just blended.
3. Heat, if preferred.
4. Serve in a copper or tin pail. (A glass bowl can be substituted but is heavily discouraged for authenticity’s sake.)

Now you can sit back with a steaming* bowl of gruel and know you’re eating the same pile of pus-like filth that was once described as “cigarette milk.”

*Note: It will be steaming whether you chose to heat it or not. That’s just what happens when you mix this putrid pile of ingredients together.