Summer is all about sun, sand, surf and struggling to accept your subpar physique. Don’t worry! It’s totally normal to get healthy diet and exercise tips from the same place you hear dick jokes. We’re the next best thing to a personal trainer.
1. HIRE A NUTRITIONIST TO THE STARS.
If you want your body as willowy as whichever celebrity is currently winning the “Who Wore It Best?” tabloid contest, then lean on someone who can help you become the least you can be
Need a cheaper alternative? Go ahead and try one of Amy’s nutritionist’s popular techniques, including The Tapeworm Experience, The Chilean Miners’ Diet or The Colonic Blastoff.
2. USE AN AMATEUR TRAINER’S DVD COLLECTION.
Tap into your inner ripped-dude with Adam DeMamp’s workout video, “DeMamp Camp Vol. 2.” Catch a kettlebell, and remember that modifications are for porridge-bodied suckers like Ders and Blake. Results guaranteed
3. TRY GROUP EXERCISE.
Not one for weights? If you prefer a low-impact cardiovascular workout instead, throw on your Spandex and start aerobic dancing. Just don’t stop. Ever. No matter what
4. BE LAZY AND CHEAT THE SYSTEM.
Working out is boring and can hurt. Follow Forrest MacNeil’s lead: Take shortcuts to getting that perfect body. Think abdominal implants, spray tans and a gigantic silicon penis
So there you go. All you have to do is starve and exhaust yourself in preparation for a few months of hanging out and eating hot dogs. Seems totally worth it.