A functional manor requires two things to run smoothly: an unending supply of cocaine wine and an effective staff. While any man, woman, child or well-trained possum could handle the first, the second can be rather challenging. The perfect servant needs many qualities besides being alive and over the age of six.
Be Neither Seen Nor Heard
The only difference between a good servant and a wall is that a servant can carry a tray of drinks (though, technically, a wall could house a shelf that holds drinks). Either way, servants and walls are similar in that they are both important to the integrity of the household but should stay out of the way.
Never Express Any Emotion
Whether they are being flogged for not injecting enough opium into the lady of the house or having meat thrown at their face by a fellow servant playing the part of a rich woman, servants’ facial expressions should be as blank as Beatrice’s thoughts.
Live in Constant Fear
Mistakes have consequences. Serious missteps like spilling one drop of champagne or keeping a small washcloth for your own use could have you exiled into the world — or worse, sent back to the asylum.
Treat Their Job as the Only Thing They Live For
The only things worth living for are cleaning morphine-binge vomit off an Oriental rug and getting hit in the head with a bat by a wealthy young woman. There is nothing else.
If a prospective servant can’t handle these simple rules for employment, they aren’t fit for such a prestigious job. Just ask Peeper, the Bellacourts’ most respected servant.