Well, Father’s Day is here. And true to tradition, you’ve waited until the last possible moment to get the big man a present. As much as we’d love to shame you for it, nobody wants to deal with a sad dad. So here are some gift ideas that are sure to put a smile on that weathered, war-documentary-loving face of his.
What’s every dad’s number one favorite food? Easy: dried beef. The mass-produced stuff makes for a crappy gift; but there are plenty of overpriced small-batch jerkies that’ll make it look like you didn’t forget about Father’s Day until the absolute last minute like an ungrateful little snot.
Moms, dads, kids, bonobos — everybody likes marbles. Their entrancing, otherworldly beauty might even distract the man who raised you from realizing what a self-centered and forgetful person you’ve become. Also, they come in really fun colors.
A NEW FLEECE
The fleece is practically the unofficial dad uniform. It’s perfect for activities like golfing or pacing on the patio while on the phone arguing with the gas company. Y’know, dad stuff. As a bonus, the Nathan Fielder brand Summit Ice ensures that your purchase 100 percent recognizes the existence of the Holocaust — unlike those other brands. (We’re lookin’ at you, Taiga.) So not only will your dad be warm, he’ll be a good person — unlike you, you ungrateful child who forgot Father’s Day.