Miscreants, mobsters, underdogs, overlords. Call them what you will — they’re great at being bad. And while we’d love to tell you just how bad they were, everything we know about them was told to us by a bunch of wasted narrators who could barely get the words out. As such, we proudly present a well-meaning gist of their exploits. (Consider it our service to the youth.)
AL CAPONE: THE MAFIA’S SYPHILITIC MORON
“Is that a pus-oozing gun in your pocket, or do you just have syphilis?” It would be hard to tell with legendary gangster Al Capone, a man whose untreated STD helped him become the criminal whom historians continue to romanticize today.
THE KIDNAPPING OF HEIRESS PATTY HEARST
Not only did this American daughter of publishing titan William Randolph Hearst put Stockholm syndrome on the map, but she also broke new ground among millionaire heiresses by becoming the first one to serve time for radical leftist quasi-terrorism. That took balls — and by balls, we mean ovaries.
ART HEIST AT THE ISABELLA STEWART GARDNER MUSEUM
In 1990, a pair of canvass-slashing thieves made off with $500 million worth of precious, irreplaceable art. This is yet another example of something that required balls — and by balls, we mean box cutters.
Needless to say, crime isn’t quite like it seems in the movies, kids. Sure, it can be glorious, immortalizing, fame-inducing and like no other thrill on Earth, but you also sometimes have to go to jail for it — if they catch you.