Final Bows

Let’s kick these losers while they’re down, shall we?

Roast Battle pit some of the world’s best comedians against each other for four nights of verbal violence. Each night, the victors advanced to the next round. The rest… well, they caught a plane home or something. Probably checked out some local cuisine, saw some sights and then inevitably cried themselves to sleep.

Today, we salute them.

NIGHT 4

FINALS

SARAH TIANA

In the end, there could be only one Roast Battle champion. Though Sarah Tiana fought valiantly, labeling Mike Lawrence a diddler and casting doubt on his athletic abilities, Mike’s cuts at her age, sex life and stand-up material ultimately proved more pleasing to the Roast Battle gods.

SEMI-FINALS

EARL SKAKEL

Earl Skakel skillfully (and shirtlessly) ascended through the Roast Battle bracket with sheer tastelessness. And while the abortion joke he leveled at Sarah Tiana was crude, he was ultimately out-Skakeled by Sarah herself when she replied with a sharp retort about his internet activities.

K. TREVOR WILSON

The pride of Canada met his nearly identical match when he went up against his American doppelganger, Mike Lawrence. The barbs were sharp. The beards were bushy. But K. Trevor simply couldn’t hold off his slightly slimmer cousin, no matter how many accusations of rapeyness he threw Mike’s way. As they say in French Canada, adieu.

BATTLE FOR THIRD PLACE

K. TREVOR WILSON

And yet, it seemed the great Son of the North had further to fall when he lost to Earl “Kennedy Cousin” Skakel in the battle for third place. K. Trevor Wilson deployed his damnedest disses (including an especially harsh invitation for Earl to kill himself), but he was undone by Skakel’s unbeatable soft drink-based wit. O Canada indeed.

NIGHT 3

RALPHIE MAY

Things were tight between Ralphie May and Mike Lawrence, but ultimately Ralphie’s jokes about Mike’s, uh, interesting aroma couldn’t hold a scented candle to Mike and his willingness to make cracks about Ralphie’s weight and imploding marriage

SAM MORRIL

Sam Morril and Sarah Tiana went blow for blow throughout their match, even going into overtime by decree of judges Jimmy Kimmel and Seth Rogen. When all was said and done, Sarah had cut Sam down as harshly as he should cut down those fur snakes on his face. Better luck next time, Sam.

TONY HINCHCLIFFE

Tony Hinchcliffe came onstage looking like an unwanted extra from “Game of Thrones.” But he was no match for K. Trevor Wilson, who goes everywhere looking like, well, a normal guy. Sometimes reality is better than fantasy. Sorry, nerds!

JIMMY CARR

Jimmy Carr is one of Great Britain’s finest comics, and though he was ultimately felled by America’s Earl Skakel, we should all to take a minute to honor the pride his countrymen must — ah, screw it. U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

NIGHT 2

MATTHEW BROUSSARD

We send our deepest condolences to Matthew Broussard. It was a hard-fought battle against Mike Lawrence, and he got in some good barbs — but alas, they weren’t enough this time. At least he can take comfort in his Zac Efron-like looks as he reflects on his unfortunate loss.

OLIVIA GRACE

Young Olivia Grace roasted valiantly, but she just couldn’t withstand the pressure from K. Trevor Wilson, the world’s only mean Canadian.

MARK NORMAND

Mark Normand was a fierce competitor for Tony Hinchcliffe, especially considering the fact that Mark speaks like he just stepped off a Depression-era soup line. We hope he feels proud of his performance (and is able to get whatever he needs to get checked out, checked out).

MS. PAT

Ms. Pat and Ralphie May’s battle of wits was a glorious one, but only one could be left standing. May you roast again soon, Ms. Pat.

NIGHT 1

CHRIS CUBAS

Let us take a moment and bow our heads in memory of Chris Cubas’s run on Roast Battle. On the upside, now that he’s lost to Sarah Tiana, he has time to refocus his energy on the car wash business.

TOM BALLARD

Despite a strong showing, Tom Ballard couldn’t overcome being mentioned in the same breath as Steve Rannazzisi (see more on Steve’s loss below). Earl Skakel and his naked torso will move on to the next round while Tom will enjoy a shameful flight home to Australia.

STEVE RANNAZZISI

Steve Rannazzisi (whose 9/11 fib continues to haunt him) fought admirably against Sam Morril, but in the end, Steve couldn’t overcome Sam’s lacerating wit, and that’s no lie. Steve will never forget this day.

CHRISTI CHIELLO

Jimmy Carr traveled across the Atlantic to tear Christi Chiello’s career apart. Following such an intense roast, Christi disappeared into the fog from whence she came.