How to Blackmail a Wealthy Moron

The trick is to take it slow.
STEP 1: Identify your mark. It should ideally be someone too dumb to cover up their wrongdoings — we’re talking thinks-rocks-are-alive dumb. They should also be rich and/or powerful.

STEP 2: Dig up a scandalous or shameful activity from their past. The obscenely wealthy tend to have an insatiable hunger for the perverse and extravagant, so it shouldn’t be that hard. Here are some of the most popular pastimes to get you started:
– Hiding a secret family
– Hosting a “The Most Dangerous Game”-style hunt
– Hosting a “The Most Dangerous Game”-style hunt for the members of their secret family
– Having an incestuous affair
– Having an incestuous affair with a member of their secret family

STEP 3: Gather the evidence. Remember, your mark is insufferably stupid, so it should be something clear and simple to understand.

STEP 4: Confront your mark and lay out your demands. Extortion can be a hard concept for the intellectually challenged to grasp, so be prepared to answer lots of questions. Consider using flashcards.

STEP 5: Sit back and wait for your demands to be met. Morons are easily distracted, so you might want to send them a reminder that you’re planning to expose their darkest secret unless they do something about it.