Krampus Wants to Make Christmas Great Again

Wednesday, December 14, 2016 12/14/2016 Views: 586

Krampus (Dave Gruber Allen) joins Aparna Nancherla, Nick Thune and Milana Vayntrub to call out Santa's corruption and propose himself as a replacement. (5:40)

To celebrate Christmas,we tried to book Santa,

but he's at Book Soupdoing a signing

for his new coffee table bookof tasteful elf nudes.

-Luckily...-(laughter)

we were able to gethis Austrian counterpart.

He appears at homes and hovelsall over Europe,

and his biopic Krampus has 65% on Rotten Tomatoes.

All the way from the Teutonicforests of Middle Europe,

Krampus is here, everybody!

-(cheering)-(Krampus growling)

(growls, chuckles)

(growling)

(growls)Hey, Chris,

your audience probablydoesn't recognize me,

because Americans aren't awareof anybody's traditions

but their own.(growls)

Yeah, I... What an authenticAustrian accent you have.

-Uh, so...-(laughter)

-why are you here, Krampus?-It's 2016 now, Chris.

Better accent? Almost 2017.

Santa Claus is on the way out.

Too old, too jolly--

it makes you wonder...

what is he hiding?

He's crooked!

Crooked Santa.

All right, so you're sayingthat Santa Claus is corrupt.

Yes. He's too nice.

He rewards childrenfor being "good"!

And that's not whatreal Americans just voted for.

-(laughter)-HARDWICK: Oh.

They voted for kidsto be punished!

Punished with bundles of sticks.

(laughter)

That's where I come in.

Every year I go aroundto people's homes

and thrash kids with sticks.

That's my thing.

-(cheering)-MAN: Yeah.

It's what I do.

Isn't that what Christmasis all about, Chris?

The thrashing childrenwith bundles of sticks?

Well, I don't... I don't know.

Comedians,that is a good question.

What is Christmasall about? Milana.

The thrashing of childrenwith bundles of sticks.

Okay, all right.Uh, points for that.

Uh, con... that confirmation.Nick, what is Christmas about?

Uh, Christmas is aboutmy Uncle Rod

taking too many close-upcreepy pictures of my wife.

All right. Uh, points.

I mean, no... no offense,Krampus, I'm not being judgey,

but you seem to be particularlyobsessed with this idea

of thrashing childrenwith bundles of sticks. Why?

Uh, it's just so practical.

Think of the moneyyou'll save on toys.

You buy a Hatchable, right?

60, 70 bucks-- whateverthey cost, I don't know.

I don't go to toy stores.

I'm a grown man.

I send my assistant Michelleto the toy store for me.

HARDWICK:Okay.

Then you give the toy to thekid, and they start screaming

because of your hornsand sulfur breath.

Wouldn't it just be cheaperto buy one bundle of twigs

that you can use to thrash them?

Well, I mean,I guess... I guess,

if you lay it out that way,then-then yeah.

-Thank you.-All right.

I mean, it seems likeyou're spending a lot of time

collecting small stickswhen you could really

just grab one big stick.

That is a good point.100 points for that.

KRAMPUS:You know, you got a point.

Hey, come on, Krampus,you cannot... First of all,

you're so obsessed with sticks.

-You cannot go aroundhitting children wi... -Wrong.

-...with sticks and...-Wrong.

-No, you can't. -Wrong.

No, I'm right.

You can't just go aroundswatting kids with sticks.

I mean...

Hi, Billy.Hi, Billy. Whack!

-What did Billy do? -Oh, hey,Darren, what's up? Whack!

Why are you hitting these fakeinvisible kids in front of you?

There has to be a better way.

Comedians, what's a better,modern punishment for a child?

Aparna.

Giving them gluten.

All right, points.

Milana?

You, uh, you take awaytheir Pokémon

and then you tell them thatthe divorce is their fault.

Okay, good, yeah.

Listen, that's whatmy parents did,

and I turned out fine. Uh...

So, what is your pointwith all this, Krampus?

Uh, my point isSanta Claus is a cuck.

-What?-Wha... -What?

You heard me.

Google it.

America needsto upgrade this year

to a new Christmas guy:

me, Krampus,

the alt-Santa.

I... I...

I'm going to make... I'm goingto make Christmas great again.

I can tell you that.

I'm going to make Christmasgreat again.

All right.So, comedians...

rather than, uh,beating people with wood,

there's got to be a better wayto make Christmas great again.

Uh, so how do we do that?Aparna.

Putting... puttingthe Christ back in

"Jesus Christ,this country is (bleep)!"

All right, points.Points.

I was going to say thrashyour children with bundles!

But whatever.

If you were wan...really want to... their children

thrashed with stickson Christmas?

Uh... (scoffs)

Not a children, Chris.

Just most children.(cackles)

My elves will start a database

to keep trackof all the naughty kids

and to make surethey're all rounded up

and sent to camps...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, hey,hey! -Hey, no.

-No, you whoa, you hey.-No, you!

-Let me finish.-Okay.

Send them to summer camps.

Oh, okay, all right, that's...

There we go.Where they will be sorted

according to religionand sexual orientation.

-All right, that's it,we're done. -What?

We're done with you, please.Thank you, Krampus.

-Not thank you.-You! You!

Don't hit anyone on the way out.