Etsy Pitchmen - One's Papa and the Other One's Roach

Tuesday, October 13, 2015 10/13/2015 Views: 339

After checking out a few weird items on Etsy, Mike Lawrence, Ashley Barnhill and Blaine Capatch create taglines for each. (4:46)

IT'S TIME TO PLAY ETSY PITCHMEN.

ETSY PITCHMEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT ETSY IS. ANYONEWITH AN INTERNET CONNECTION

CAN SELL STUFF THAT THEY MADE ORSELL ANTIQUES IF THEY WANT TO,

WHATEVER THEIR CUSTOMWARES AREFOR FUN AND PROFIT.

THE ITEMS RANGE FROM SENSIBLEAND CUTE TO THINGS

SO NIGHTMARISHLY DEVIANT THATSIGMUND FREUD WOULD BLUSH.

SO COMEDIANS, I'M GONNA SHOW YOUA BAT[BLEEP] CRAZY ITEM WE FOUND

FOR SALE ON ETSY, AND FOR 250POINTS, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO GIVE

ME A MARKETABLE TAGLINE TO HELPSELL IT.

FIRST UP, THESE MESH TATTOOSLEEVES FOR BABIES.

BLAINE.

>> MAKE YOUR KID LOOK LIKE A[BEEP]IN' ASSHOLE.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> THESE ARE THE BOUNCERS AT THENURSERY.

[LAUGHING]>> I GOT TO SEE SOME ID.

YOU GOT A TINY FOOTPRINT?

>> Chris: ALL I GOT IS THISUMBILICAL CORD.

>> ALRIGHT I REMEMBER YOU.

GET IN HERE.

>> Chris: ASHLEY.

>> DRESS THEM LIKE THE DEADBEATDAD THEY'VE NEVER MET.

>> Chris: POINTS.

YES, YES.

>> ONE'S PAPA AND THE OTHERONE'S ROACH.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> WHEN YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKEYOU MANAGE THE STRIP CLUB YOUR

MOM WORKS AT.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

POINTS.

>> FINALLY, MY FRED DURSTCLONER IS A SUCCESS.

Chris: NEXT ONE THIS HANDMADEFELT BEARDED DRAGON PRINCESS

LEIA COSTUME.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE REASONS.THAT'S WHY YOU BUY IT.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> BECAUSE THERE IS MORE THANONE WAY TO ABUSE AN ANIMAL.

>> Chris: POINTS.

ASHLEY.

>> SOMETHING FOR YOUR LIZARD TOWEAR BEFORE IT KILLS ITSELF.

>> [BEEP]>> Chris: ALRIGHT.

POINTS.

BLAINE.

>> PERFECT FOR PROTECTING YOURHANDS WHEN YOU [BEEP] IGUANAS.

[ APPLAUSE ]>> I'M SURPRISED IT DOESN'T SAY

ONE SIZE FETTS ALL.

>> Chris: THAT'S SO GOOD, MIKELAWRENCE. I GOTTA GIVE YOU

A HUNDRED POINTS FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE: THIS LIFE-LIKE REBORNBABY.

STILL NOT CREEPIER THAN THEFIRST TWO.

MIKE LAWRENCE.

WE PRODUCE SOMETHINGSPECIAL BECAUSE YOU CAN'T.

>> Chris: OH.

POINTS.

"IT'S-A SHIPPED FROMY ITALY.

MAMA, MAMA.

HEY MAMA.

I SO HUNGRY, MAMA.

I EAT YOUR TITTY MAMA.

AHH AHHH AHHH.

IT'S-A ME, MARIO."

[ APPLAUSE ]

>> THAT'S LIKE IF MARIO AND TOADHAD A CHILD.

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: ASHLEY.

>> FINALLY A BABY YOU CAN LEAVEIN A HOT CAR.

>> Chris: YES, POINTS.

THAT'S REALLY -->> THE BABY IS LIKE, "WAIT, COME

BACK. DON'T LEAVE ME ATWAL-MART."

>> "DON'T WORRY, MAMA.

YOU CAN'T BREAK ME LIKE YOUBROKE THE OTHER ONE."

>> THAT WAS DESIGNED BY AGEPPETTO-PHILE.

>> Chris: A HUNDRED POINTS TOMIKE LAWRENCE FOR THAT.

NEXT ONE.

HOW ABOUT THIS OLD TIMEYPHOTOGRAPH OF A REAL DEAD NUN?

YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.

YEAH LET'S BLUR HER FACE OUT SOSHE'S NOT EMBARRASSED.

BLAINE.

>> PERFECT FOR RUBBING ONE OUTTO A DEAD NUN.

>> Chris: POINTS.

>> "I SEE YOU HAVE MET MYMOTHER."

[LAUGHING]>> Chris: MIKE LAWRENCE.

>> YOU CAN CATHO-LICK HERWHEREVER YOU WANT.

>> Chris: OH, NO.